Anyone else having a hard time getting over-the-moon wildly esctatic for the engagement and wedding? I’m super excited to be married, and can’t wait to call him my husband. But I am more excited about moving forward with the big milestones in life like having kids and buying a house.
My FI and I have been living like we are married for 7 years this August. Shared household, shared finances, shared dreams for the future and close relationships with our respective families. We even run a business together that we started a few years into our relationship. We are so lucky to have found each other, and both of us are amazed by the way that time has only made us love each other more.
We got engaged this past year, and are planning to do a large, but informal marriage ceremony/reception. I even secretly (or maybe not so secretly given my screen name, lol) like the idea of eloping.
But part of me feels like if we had gotten engaged when we were in our mid-twenties, maybe I would have been more caught up in it. We did disucss it at the time, and even though we knew we wanted to spend the rest of our lives together, we just didn’t feel we needed to get married, and we didn’t like the idea of needing society’s stamp of approval. We were also pretty annoyed about how many of our LGBT friends could not get married. Now, we realize that we want the rest of society to recognize our relationship the way we do, and that getting married is the way to do that. It feels funny and even inappropriate to refer to him as my boyfriend in business or community matters, and partner doesn’t convey the full relationship. I even feel like calling him my fiance somehow cheapens our relationship since in my mind he has been my husband and life partner for a very long time.
Of course, I come from an a religious household, and am something of a feminist. Also, I am a pretty frugal, intentional person, so the cost associated with all of the hoopla may have something to do with it.
Am I crazy? Does anyone else feel this way? Or am I just not that into weddings?
I’m not a 30-something (27), but I have similar feelings. We own a house together, combined finances, all that stuff. So I feel like we are married. I am SOO excited to marry my best friend and the man of my dreams, but I don’t feel like we need a big wedding to do that. I have asked him several times since we got engaged if we can go elope He actually wants the big wedding, so we are compromising with a medium size (75 total).
I also feel sick to my stomach at the thought of spending so much on one day. I know there are sooo many awesome brides who create beautiful weddings on tiny budgets, but I am just not creative like that. We arent going into debt for the wedding but I can think of so many awesome things we can do with that money instead-like a new renovate our kitchen! Or install a new patio! haha.
The more I start planning the more I get into it, but at the end of the day I am doing this for my fiance.
You have read my mind and feelings almost to a T. I actually thougth about starting a post last month like this…my realization about my non-excitement began with:
Recently a friend got engaged to a lovely young lady in her early 20s. Her reaction to the proposal and engagement party made me realize I am nowhere’s near as excited as she is (there were no tears or jumping up and down on my part, no diving into planning). I then had a serious talk with my fiance. I told him I thought I was missing the bride gene. He assured me I wasn’t and that I am just in different place in life. And then I thought, well if I had gotten engaged in my mid-twenties I would have been thrilled! Early twenties I would have said heck no!
I already feel married, could do without the big hoopla for a wedding and honestly wouldn’t have minded just going to the local court house. My fiance and I discussed a small destination wedding, but his family would have been hurt. We are having a larger and semi-formal wedding to appease his family. I would rather use the money designated wedding towards a new home. Oh well.
I am really hoping I’m excited on the actual wedding day. Thank you for sharing.
Yup. I’m excited, but nothing like…crying at my wedding dress or the proposal or anything.
Oh thank God someone else said it! I’m TOTALLY chill about it. Excited, yes, but certainly not enough to end my posts with FIVE EXCLAMATION POINTS!!!!!
Then again, nothing excites OR upsets me like it did in my 20′s, and I don’t miss it one bit. There was just so much drama, in all areas of life, I’m so much more easy going about everything now. Also, this is a second wedding for both of us, and we’re gong much smaller scale this time around. There was no way in hell I was going to drive myself batshit crazy with the all the tiny details.
I enjoyed planning and had fun with the challenge of planning on a tight budget. I also very much enjoyed the challenge of DIY and figuring out how to make the visions in my head with what I had or could find. I didn’t cry when I found my dress or at the wedding itself, but I did cry and call everyone I knew (or rather had the phone numbers for since I was in the Netherlands at the time lol) when he proposed, but I do think a difference is where you are both in life and in your relationship.
My husband proposed to me just 10 months after we met each other for the first time face to face, we were living in different countries, and had only lived together for 3.5 months. This is a first marriage for both of us, and for that matter first serious relationship.
I will fully admit though that because of our situation (immigration required us to be married within a certain time frame and that fell at a time when his folks couldn’t afford to travel to the USA), and the fact that we were married by civil ceremony 6 months prior to the “official” wedding, I did wonder if the “official” wedding was worth all the (at times) hassle and aggravation. Most of my wedding planning (of which I had 6 months lol) was done while I was also dealing with immigration and any issues that brought up, moving my husband to the USA and getting him settled, making MY space into OUR space, finding a job, and then working at said job.
Right there with you. I’m 32. My fiancé and I have known each other for 10 years, been dating for 5, and living together for 4. I would much rather elope or have a courthouse wedding, but he has a large family and they’re all really close. I love his family, but spending all this money on a wedding freaks me out. Plus, I’ve never really dreamt or thought about my wedding like many young women do.
My younger sister who got married three years ago, literally jumped up and down when I told her I was engaged. She’s more excited than I am…I’m happy to be marrying him, I just think too many people focus on the wedding itself instead of the marriage.
I want to go gown shopping alone, I don’t want any showers or bachelorette parties, and I just don’t want people to fuss over me in general. My wedding will be great; everyone will have a lot of fun and share our moment with us. That should be enough. I’m not going to refer to it as “my day” or make friends and family bend over backwards for me. I’ll smile and be happy, but I’m not going to put on a big show.
I’m glad I’m not alone in feeling this way.
thank you ladies! I am so glad I posted–I feel better knowing I am not alone.
Can I just say I laughed out loud at the part about missing the bride gene? And for the record, my FI is the one pushing our guest list to 175, lol. But that is fine. We are just calling it our big, hippie-casual wedding.
I’m 29, I’ll be turning 30 a few months after we get married.
I’m excited to be getting married, but I am so over this wedding stuff. I just want to get married and have kids and move on with life already.
I am finishing school (I went back to get a second degree) I have never lived with my FI, so I am different from a lot of my younger friends and even my younger sister who has lived with their SO. I don’t regret it, but I am just ready to get on with life already.
I never planned my wedding when I was younger and I never even thought about it until a few years ago.
@justelope: Nope, you aren’t alone. My fiance and I are both 30 and dont live near either of our families so we weren’t into a big wedding. I don’t think I would have been able to mentally manage my job and a long distance wedding planning stint, so we just decided to elope! Saving that money for a house!
well i am 30, was 29 when i got engaged, and i soaked up the whole process! i didn’t cry when i got my dress, but i revelled in the planning, i cried when i got engaged and i have been obsessing over my wedding (sometimes a good/fun thing, sometimes not so good) since it was over! so i can’t say i feel the way you do!
Yeah i think i’m in the same boat, for some things at least – i LOVED getting engaged, but it was on a holiday and kind of because i knew i could finally stop deflecting all the “when? when? when?” questions from everyone.
I HATED dress shopping and ended up buying a non-wedding dress while shopping on my own one day. No tears, no elation, just a salesperson telling me she thought it was my dress.
I’ve LOVED the design elements of the wedding – getting invitations sorted out, figuring out centrepieces and what the overall feel (NOT theme!! No colours!) of our venue will be
I’ve HATED dealing with guestlists, hotels, photographers, travel arrangements, and trying to please everyone.
I haven’t gotten nearly as excited or organised as any of the other brides i know, but i also know that our wedding will be very representative of us, and we’re pretty low key people. Eloping would have definitely worked for us.
I’m so happy I found this post. I’m in a very similar situation. I also am having a hard time being excited about anything for the wedding. Please don’t mistake what I’m saying as I don’t want to spend the rest of my life with my FI, I’m just over the wedding planning already. I don’t care about the color of my wedding, whether my invitation is cute, or if my dress is absolutely perfect. I just want a night to have a night to celebrate our love of one another. That’s it. I’m a teacher in grad school and just want the family life we will be starting together…
I am 28 and am mostly looking foward to the actual party on the day of the wedding and to being married to DH. I am a decisive and practical person and have yet to be really overwhelmed or “giddy” about the process.
On the other hand, I am a super perfectionist and “all or nothing” type of person , so if we are doing this wedding and reception thing, I am doing it right. It is more a means to an end though, and I am tackling this like I would tackle any big event I plan at work.
And, FI and I are having a relatively short engagement, engaged in May, married in Decemeber. I keep saying to him that I have no idea how people do this for 2 years straight! I am a few months in and am already kind of over it! haha