Do cancel or not to cancel …

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
1295 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

awe hugs*

I think that you should not consider calling off the wedding only because it isnt about them.. it is about you and your FI.. nothing else. You are right in that, they are not paying so they cannot just invite +1s.. that is rude of them. But you are clearly the bigger person here and can continue to act maturely.

If you called off the wedding.. what good would that do really? Would it save some grief now? Yes, sure it would. But what about the consequence of possibly making things really ROCKY with your FI. If it were reversed, and your FI was calling the wedding off because of YOUR family, wouldnt you feel like your love isnt strong enough to withstand other people and wouldnt that feel personal and hurtful? I dont know how much effort and trust I could put into someone if they called off the weddiing because they were fed up with others who have nothing to do with your relationship.


This is just my opinion.. keep your head down, try your best and take the high road. Be the woman that your FI loves and remember that it is about YOU AND HIM!!!

Post # 4
1466 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

@Lost_n_disgarded:  hugs!!! Families can be rough… when you marry someone, you marry their family! Do you think the family shenanigans will settle down after the wedding? If so, then I don’t think you need to call it off. But as Seashells7 is saying, it’s really between you and FI. Marriage is about being a team and protecting that team before anything else, no matter what it takes! It’s not about anyone else. Family is important, but you two are making your own family, and that is going to be your most important family from now on. I think you and FI should talk about being a team and always backing each other up, being loyal. I would see how that goes, if you see eye to eye about it, before calling off the marriage. 

Post # 5
257 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

@Lost_n_disgarded:  First of all, welcome to the hive! Smile

I am going to try to answer your question the best way I can… There are a lot of issues you seem to deal with at the moment, I tried to break them down…

As for your in-laws being upset about their son selling his grandparents’ house. I can somewhat relate to that. It probably has a lot of emotional value to them and that is why it upset them so much? That being said, I can totally understand why you would want your OWN home as a couple…

It does sound you cannot win with your SIL… They seem like you can never do it right. I have a “new” rule that I am trying to impose when it comes to my SO’s family. I try not to see them more often than I see my own family. I think that is a fair reason to point out. How often do you see your family? You could try explain for example: “I see my family XX times a week, hence I hope you understand that I cannot see you guys, even though I really like you ( be nice! ), more often as it would upset my own family. I hope you understand!”

As for no-children wedding, that is your decision to make and nobody should blame you for it. It is not your responsibilty nor fault that SIL cannot have her children babysat. However, it would be a nice gesture if you could let them attend, after all they are you future DH’s nieces/nephews. Maybe get them involved somehow (flower girl/boy) so you can justify to other guests why the no-children rule was broken?

As for the SIL not getting a +1… Is she currently dating? I think it is always nice to give the inner family of the bride and groom a +1. That includes parents and siblings but NOT cousins. Especially if money is tight! It is entirely other thing though if the cousins are married, engaged or living with their partner, it is not that polite to not give them a +1 in that case.

You have to understand that it can be very difficult to pick sides when it comes to family and partners. He surely loves you, but he also loves his family. When you are married, you should be his priority though and he should be 100% behind you and defend you in front of them. I guess it’s all about boundaries… Have a look to some past posts here about in-laws from hell, there was some good advice given there about how to set boundaries.

Anyway, don’t let it get to you! Enjoy the fact that you are getting married to what I trust is a great guy and that you are going to start a life together fairly soon! Smile 

PS: What is DNMs?

Post # 6
7281 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2011 - Bed & Breakfast

Your fiance is choosing you to be his family and his #1 priority. If he cannot put his foot down and protect you from his family of origin now, then he is not ready to be married to you. Love is not enough to make a successful marriage.

Post # 7
10904 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2009

@Lost_n_disgarded:  Only you can make this decision. No one else can make it for you.

However, please, please, please  realize that you will not  just be marrying your FI. You also be marrying into this family

Unless you and your FI make a conscious decision to relocate to another region of the country many hours away from his family, where visiting will be limited to one or two times per year, you are going to have to deal with this regularly if you choose to marry into this family.

I am so sorry you are facing this incredibly difficult decision. I pray that, once you evaluate all of the evidence before you that you will find the wisdom and courage to make whatever choice you believe is best for yourself.

Post # 8
9137 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL

@Brielle:  Great advice.

Post # 10
460 posts
Helper bee

Not much I can say except sorry you are faced with such a toxic IL family … Hope you guys work it out!

Post # 11
893 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

@Lost_n_disgarded:  be practical:

I would never dream of a wedding were my nephews werent invited. it would not be complete this arent your sister in law kids these are YOUR nephews. She is YOUR sister now. Does your husband love them? How is his relationship with his sister? Ad family. if you know she has social anxiety and problems abandoning her kids why torture her? just insist that there is a Nanny to take care of them.

My nephews came to church but went t. Bed for the reception. It was  NO CHILDREN policy wedding. It went great.


2. Plus 1. You dont have to be rude it is a very easy answer ” we want to include everyone but we just cant afford it. We have 1 ticket per cousin if you want a plus one you can pay for the plate. You can say it to your in laws and to the cousins. Without being rude or angry.


Word of advice I hate my In laws …. And I spend 8 years out of 12 fighting my Sister in law and now I adore her she is one of my best friends and I really feel she is my sister now.





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