Post # 1
So the in laws have always been a problem – if it’s not one thing it’s another. First when my SIL got pregnant to a guy who was just out if jail it was that I needed to keep my opinions about babies to myself (my mum is a NICU nurse so it’s fair to say I’m opinionated when it comes to babies) … Then it’s that I’ve changed my DH and he has an attitude now because of me … then I’m the worst person in the world because as a couple we chose to sell his house and buy our own (he bought his grandparents house when they died) … So it’s always one thing after another about me but never to my face only behind my back to my DH.
So I made the decision to no longer visit my in laws because my SIL moved home with her 3 children so it was safer not to have anything to do with them because she would just bitch about everything and play the woe is me single mum card. Then I’m getting abused for not visiting, followed by getting abused for not having anything to do with SIL children … So I visit … Then get abused for being quiet and not having an opinion. I just can’t win.
Our wedding is 3 months away and DH family decided not to contribute so my parents are paying for 90% of the wedding. We made the decision not to allow kids at the wedding … now I’m getting abused because she’s a single mum and won’t let her clinically diagnosed with separation anxiety because she doesn’t socialise them children be baby sat. Then I get abused for not involving his family in the planning so we take my in laws out to lunch to talk about the wedding and they voice no opinion on anything … Then SIL & cousins who are all single are complaining that they don’t have +1s … I’m sorry but who is paying? Weddings aren’t cheap but they aren’t paying so they obviously don’t realise this.
I sat DH down and explained to him exactly how I’m feeling because right now I feel like calling the wedding off. There’s always something his family have to complain about and once that’s past they will find something else to complain about, I don’t think I want to put up with that for my entire life. He said he’s torn between his family and the love of his life, aren’t I meant to be family too? I don’t even want to take his last name so I’m not associated with them. After a morning of DNMs my SIL clicked her fingers and DH went off to help her.
i don’t know if I can do this anymore. If he doesn’t have the back bone to tell them to go away then do I want to stick around? My parents are telling me to elope but that doesn’t fix that I have to put up with my in laws forever. I’m confused, should I call off the wedding or shouldn’t I? I even moved towns for him and am over an hour away from any of my family or friends. So I’m lonely, constantly coping abuse from his family, driving 3 hours a day to and from work and now I’m considering calling off the wedding because I just can’t take the abuse anymore.
Post # 3
I think that you should not consider calling off the wedding only because it isnt about them.. it is about you and your FI.. nothing else. You are right in that, they are not paying so they cannot just invite +1s.. that is rude of them. But you are clearly the bigger person here and can continue to act maturely.
If you called off the wedding.. what good would that do really? Would it save some grief now? Yes, sure it would. But what about the consequence of possibly making things really ROCKY with your FI. If it were reversed, and your FI was calling the wedding off because of YOUR family, wouldnt you feel like your love isnt strong enough to withstand other people and wouldnt that feel personal and hurtful? I dont know how much effort and trust I could put into someone if they called off the weddiing because they were fed up with others who have nothing to do with your relationship.
This is just my opinion.. keep your head down, try your best and take the high road. Be the woman that your FI loves and remember that it is about YOU AND HIM!!!
Post # 4
@Lost_n_disgarded: hugs!!! Families can be rough… when you marry someone, you marry their family! Do you think the family shenanigans will settle down after the wedding? If so, then I don’t think you need to call it off. But as Seashells7 is saying, it’s really between you and FI. Marriage is about being a team and protecting that team before anything else, no matter what it takes! It’s not about anyone else. Family is important, but you two are making your own family, and that is going to be your most important family from now on. I think you and FI should talk about being a team and always backing each other up, being loyal. I would see how that goes, if you see eye to eye about it, before calling off the marriage.
Post # 5
@Lost_n_disgarded: First of all, welcome to the hive!
I am going to try to answer your question the best way I can… There are a lot of issues you seem to deal with at the moment, I tried to break them down…
As for your in-laws being upset about their son selling his grandparents’ house. I can somewhat relate to that. It probably has a lot of emotional value to them and that is why it upset them so much? That being said, I can totally understand why you would want your OWN home as a couple…
It does sound you cannot win with your SIL… They seem like you can never do it right. I have a “new” rule that I am trying to impose when it comes to my SO’s family. I try not to see them more often than I see my own family. I think that is a fair reason to point out. How often do you see your family? You could try explain for example: “I see my family XX times a week, hence I hope you understand that I cannot see you guys, even though I really like you ( be nice! ), more often as it would upset my own family. I hope you understand!”
As for no-children wedding, that is your decision to make and nobody should blame you for it. It is not your responsibilty nor fault that SIL cannot have her children babysat. However, it would be a nice gesture if you could let them attend, after all they are you future DH’s nieces/nephews. Maybe get them involved somehow (flower girl/boy) so you can justify to other guests why the no-children rule was broken?
As for the SIL not getting a +1… Is she currently dating? I think it is always nice to give the inner family of the bride and groom a +1. That includes parents and siblings but NOT cousins. Especially if money is tight! It is entirely other thing though if the cousins are married, engaged or living with their partner, it is not that polite to not give them a +1 in that case.
You have to understand that it can be very difficult to pick sides when it comes to family and partners. He surely loves you, but he also loves his family. When you are married, you should be his priority though and he should be 100% behind you and defend you in front of them. I guess it’s all about boundaries… Have a look to some past posts here about in-laws from hell, there was some good advice given there about how to set boundaries.
Anyway, don’t let it get to you! Enjoy the fact that you are getting married to what I trust is a great guy and that you are going to start a life together fairly soon!
PS: What is DNMs?
Post # 6
- Wedding: October 2011 - Bed & Breakfast
Your fiance is choosing you to be his family and his #1 priority. If he cannot put his foot down and protect you from his family of origin now, then he is not ready to be married to you. Love is not enough to make a successful marriage.
Post # 7
@Lost_n_disgarded: Only you can make this decision. No one else can make it for you.
However, please, please, please realize that you will not just be marrying your FI. You also be marrying into this family.
Unless you and your FI make a conscious decision to relocate to another region of the country many hours away from his family, where visiting will be limited to one or two times per year, you are going to have to deal with this regularly if you choose to marry into this family.
I am so sorry you are facing this incredibly difficult decision. I pray that, once you evaluate all of the evidence before you that you will find the wisdom and courage to make whatever choice you believe is best for yourself.
Post # 9
Ladies, thank you all soooo much for your words of advice and wisdom! My fiance and I had a sit down heart to heart about everything and the wedding is still on – at this stage. I explained what my predicament was and that I needed his support when it came to dealing with his family. He now understands that he needs to step up and say no its not ok to talk about her like this and it’s not ok to bully her or put her down. So with that said all is going ok and the real test will be the next time some sort of issue arises … which is likely to be soon seeing as wedding planning is a very stressful time!
however with all that said I did state to him that if any of this continues we will be putting our house on the market and moving towns to be closer to my supportive family and away from his. He understands that it’s also going to be his decision if he comes or stays, I don’t want to force him away from his family and I would want him to come with me of course and continue our life together and start a family of our own together but if he decides no, he’s staying in this town with his family than that is entirely his decision.
oh life, why are you so complicated sometimes?!
byw: DNM means deep and meaningful 🙂
Post # 10
Not much I can say except sorry you are faced with such a toxic IL family … Hope you guys work it out!
Post # 11
@Lost_n_disgarded: be practical:
I would never dream of a wedding were my nephews werent invited. it would not be complete this arent your sister in law kids these are YOUR nephews. She is YOUR sister now. Does your husband love them? How is his relationship with his sister? Ad family. if you know she has social anxiety and problems abandoning her kids why torture her? just insist that there is a Nanny to take care of them.
My nephews came to church but went t. Bed for the reception. It was NO CHILDREN policy wedding. It went great.
2. Plus 1. You dont have to be rude it is a very easy answer ” we want to include everyone but we just cant afford it. We have 1 ticket per cousin if you want a plus one you can pay for the plate. You can say it to your in laws and to the cousins. Without being rude or angry.
Word of advice I hate my In laws …. And I spend 8 years out of 12 fighting my Sister in law and now I adore her she is one of my best friends and I really feel she is my sister now.