Post # 1
I haven’t told my dad yet that he isn’t walking me down the aisle. But I don’t know if he thinks he is or not. We had a very awful relationship for a long time until I moved out. Then my freshman year in college we got closer (absence makes the heart grow fonder?). Two weeks after that year of college ended I woke up to him leaving for the second time. This destroyed what we had built up. I found out one day (I guess because of all this plus him not really keeping in contact unless I started it) that my mom assumed she was walking me. I’m having my brother walk me down the aisle because we’ve been through a lot with my dad, his dad, and our mom. But I guess I’m asking if my mom assumed she was walking me, does my dad? How should I let this be known without it sounding like I thought he assumed he was the one that was going to walk me but so that it’s clear? I want to do this soon so it doesn’t cause tension anywhere near the wedding day.
Post # 3
How much contact do you have with your dad? Personally I wouldn’t say anything unless he asks. I think it’s a nice idea to have your brother.
My dad didn’t assume but that’s because he’s awesome and he knows everyone does it differently and he is very untraditional (at my parents wedding they walked in together). I had him and my mother walk me.
Post # 4
mountain.bride: We email sometimes. He’s not as supportive of things. When we moved our wedding up to Rhode Island (from South Carolina) he wasn’t happy about people (his friends) not being able to come and I had to flat out tell him it sucked that he couldn’t just support me and be happy for me, not worried about his friends that I don’t even know. And on my graduation from college in May he came but he didn’t actually see me or go out to eat with us afterwards because he didn’t want to see my mom which just hurt me. So he hasn’t really been there a whole lot but he is very traditional with some things and I don’t know if he’s assuming he is doing it. (I know this is putting a lot of business out there but I also know it’ll help with my question)
Post # 5
I think it depends more on the person than the relationship. I have a great relationship with my dad, but because of the kind of person he is (unassuming and humble), he would never have expected to walk me down the aisle. But you hear many brides say they have difficult or even non-existent relationships with their fathers, and the man still seems to expect to be given the honour of walking them down the aisle. You know your dad best. I do hope he doesn’t cause any trouble for you, either way!
Post # 6
I think it’s great you have such a great relationship by the way! I don’t know that he’d necessarily give me trouble as much as just be really hurt by it and show it (it doesn’t help that my brother is not his child and their relationship has always been absolutely awful). It’s weird because people in general know we don’t have a good relationship and still one of my friends and my fiance’s family seemed really surprised I wasn’t just going to let him walk me down the aisle so I didn’t know if he thought the same.
Post # 8
If I didn’t have a good relationship with my father, I wouldn’t want him walking me down the aisle, either. My husband/SIL’s dad walked out on them at age 2 and they email sometimes, and he comes down and visits once, maybe twice a year. It’s awkward, but semi-friendly, ya know? Forced maybe. Anyways, SIL didn’t have him walk down the aisle–DH and their grandpa walked her down the aisle. You have to have who you want walk you down the aisle–it’s a big honor and if he doesn’t deserve it, he doesn’t deserve it.
Post # 9
I had a simular not so great relationship with my dad. He was never around until I was an adult. He did assume he was walking me down the aisle but I am having my son do it. It really hurt my dad’s feelings when he found out. He just pretty much came out and asked before I had a chance to bring it up. I would make sure and say something though before your day. Maybe you could just bring it up when talking about the wedding. “I am so excited that ._________ is going to walk me down the aisle”
I am also adding in when the priest says who gives this woman to be wed that both my parents and my son will stand up and say “We do”
Hope that helps. I know it is hard and ackward
Post # 10
He may be a little hurt about you not asking him to walk you, but in my opinion, that is a subject that needs to be asked (by the bride), not assumed (by the dad, or anyone else). I think it’s smart that you run this by him pre-wedding somehow as you don’t want the drama of that effecting your wedding day. I would do like Nola says and put it in conversation somehow. It sounds like you genuinely care about his feelings, so just think of how you would like someone to approach you about something like this if the shoe was on the other foot.
I get the frustration as I’ve never met my real dad, as well as my mom is on her 3rd marriage. I am relatively close with her 2nd husband and he did legally adopt me, however they had a son very late in life and lately he has not been reaching out to contact him (my little brother is 3) in any way, shape, or form. This does not settle with me very well as he still has no problems trying to make plans with me. I’m very protective of my brother because I don’t want him to suffer the same heartbreak of his father not participating in his life like I did, so unless he straightens the act, my grandfather will be walking me down the isle solo (if we don’t elope). If all is well and we decide to have a ceremony, then he and my grandfather will walk me together. However, as my grandfather is the closest person to a father figure I’ve had all my life, he WILL be walking with me no matter what…. if we have a ceremony.
I really just want to elope though…. weddings are terribly stressful.
Post # 11
I haven’t read all the responses but I just wanted to say –
This sounds so much like my life. My dad and I just started speaking again in Dec 2009, after over 4 years of radio silence due to arguments while my parents were divorcing, compounded by a general bad relationship. He just met my fiance also, after we were already engaged, even though we dated for 4 years before that. Recently, I’ve been visiting his house in a different city about once every month or two.
I just told him yesterday that I asked my mother, who has always been there for me, to walk me down the aisle, but that I wanted him to participate through a father-daughter dance. It was the best thing I could think of to involve both of my parents, and I struggled with it for a long time before I told him.
He’s no longer coming to my wedding, by his own choice.
So be sure of your choice, stand up for what feels right to you, and you just can’t control how other people will react. It tortured me for 9 months before I finally just told him, and this is the result. And although I’ve cried every time I talk about it, I also feel a sense of relief and strength because I know I made the right choice.
Sorry this was so long, it just hit me personally after yesterday. Good luck with your father!
Post # 12
I went through this with trying to figure out if I would allow my dad to walk me down the aisle. He hasn’t been around alot and our relationship is rocky. He still expected that he was walking me. I still haven’t told him, myself, that he’s not. I didn’t even address it with him, because I felt like he shouldn’t have even thought it was an option… you have to do more than just be my dad to earn that priviledge. But anyway, if you don’t feel comfortable bringing it up….don’t….he’ll figure it out.
Post # 13
im in the same boat kinda,,i havent told my dad hes not walking me down yet,,, dont know how.. I am walking by myself because I have been with my man for over 11 years and have two kids,,it kinda seems weird to me to have dad give me away obviously I have already made that choice myself .. its just not me, hope it dose not offend him but he is remarried and has another daughter who he is real close with so maybe then he will have his day lol but this day is about my fi and me and how much we love each other and our family 🙂
Post # 14
I can’t say I have personal experience with a “bad” relationship with my Dad.
But, I really do think you should address it before the wedding as to not have any sort of drama the day of or even the few days before. I am sure you will already have enough wedding stress to deal with, to then have that added into the mix.
It sounded like you do have some sort of relationship with your father and you do communicate. So for that reason I would say to actually have a conversation with your father instead of just “letting it slip into a conversation”. If you are confident with your choice, I am sure the conversation won’t be that difficult.
Just get it out of the way, so you don’t have to worry about it and you can put your thoughts towards fun wedding stuff!
Best of luck with everything!
Post # 15
Just as an update to this thread I actually posted in a later thread how it went:
And now he’s coming to the ceremony (“probably”) but won’t be at anything else because he claims he realized I don’t really want him there but I have to invite him. He also got mad that he can’t invite three of his friends and their families plus his siblings and their families and his parents (we made the wedding smaller to save money so we’ve tried to allot a certain amount for each part of our families as well as for our close friends). I just figured I’d post this in here since it still gets replies sometimes.
Post # 16
The person who deserves it and was always there for you should walk you down the aisle. Also, the person you are comfortable with. Don’t let anyone tell you what you should do…