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My sister was married to a guy for 8 years before he did a 180, cheated on her, and spent much of their savings on Tony Robbins seminars all over the world. He actually left her while she was pregnant and she had to move back to my parents' to have my nephew and save enough to go back out on her own (at 34).
I love Fi with all my heart, but sometimes I look at my sister and wonder if the same thing could happen to me. She tells me that anything is possible, but even if someone (on her wedding day) tried to tell her he'd do those things, she still would have gone through with it. She does, after all, have my wonderful nephew.
I don't know... maybe I'm just being silly.
No not at all. I come from a background of divorce. My parents split up when was 5 and my mum remarried when I was 8 and is still happily married. My dad is now remarried and been with his wife for over 16 years well.
I think everyone goes through this, you see the divoce odds and you say that's not going to happen to me, cause let's be honest who gets married thinking about divorce?
Everything can happen you're right, but is that going to stop you? My aunt never got married fearing she'd get a man as bad as my grandpa, that didn't stop my other aunts or mom and ended up in happy marriages, that one aunt missed all that because of her fear.
It might feel like a leap in the dark but if you really love and trust the person your marrying you have to belive it's gonna work and work your a** off to make it work.
No, because I'm an optimist. I like to think it couldn't happen to me, and that DH and I will try harder to not make the mistakes that others have made. I think that being aware of the things that commonly cause divorce (communication, money, parenting) helps too.
Although I do always say if Tim McGraw & Faith Hill or Brad Paisley & Kimberly Williams ever get divorced, I have no hope because they just seem so happy and real!
@hisgoosiegirl: if Tim McGraw & Faith Hill
hahaha he toured here recently and i said to hubby "do you think they are that happy or faking it"
i dont have a single divorce in both our families, not a single one and thats even including third cousins twice removed. in my office there has been 1 divorce in 8yrs (they were married 20+yrs and he travelled A LOT, 3 weeks of the month easy). in our circle of friends, 1 divorce (but she wanted a wedding not a marriage) so i dont see a lot of it to make me wonder
It does make me uneasy. Almost every member of my family except for my grandparents is divorced -- many 2+ times over. And it makes me scared because I wonder if that could happen to me. But I think that what matters is that I have spent my life absorbing what a good relationship and partnership looks like through my grandparents and then comparing it to what a relationship is NOT when it comes to my mom, uncles and other relatives.
You do never know. As people, we are apt to grow and change and suddenly make rash decisions or realize a decision wasn't a good one in hindsight. I think counseling is important for this reason, which is why FI and I are going to start couple's counseling this spring so we can learn new ways of working out issues and conflicts that may arise. I have faith that we will work because I want it and so does he.
@eloping: when you watch the video for 'It's Your Love' and they're all dreamy-eyed, she's humungously pregnant, and he looks at her like she hung the moon, it makes me sigh. I'd be so depressed if it's all a lie!
Yes. I come from a family where divorce is rare. I can think of one and they had very legitimate, unavoidable reasons (no one just turned into a jerk, is what I mean). My parents have been married 30 years.
My SO's mother has been married three times. He's experience more divorces than most people, you can imagine. I can't lie and say it doesn't scare me. I'm not going to let it stop me from eventually marrying him, but it does worry me :(
Everyone in my family has been divorced! I just have tried to learn about the reasons why they got divorced and really tried to think about them in relation to my relationship. I made the decision a long time ago that an arbitrary fear of divorce is no reason to not get married!
I think if a couple is doomed to break up, or a person is destined to suddenly turn into an ass, it's going to happen whether they're married or not. It's like being afraid to be broken up with just because someone else you know was, married or not. When someone I know gets divorced, I always attribute it to their personal situation, and not the institution of marriage itself.
I come from parents who had the view, you just dont get divorced...super old school thinking! Yes it does make me afraid. My high school sweethear left his wife while she was 8 months pregnant. They had 3 boys already under the age of 4. He remarried imeadiately and all I could think was if HE could do that to someone anything could happen. ( he texted it to me too " hey just thought you should know I left my wife today and moved into an apt." I was like WHAT?! He is a great guy with a good heart and had his reasons but man that scared me, he was catholic and didnt believe in divorce. All we can do is work on out relationship and keep it working. I have had this conversation with many of my married friends.
well life is full of risks - you could be in a car crash if you drive, everything you eat nowadays will kill you and yes you could end up divorced.
I am divorced and looking forward to a second happy marriage - I am not giving up on life :)
No. I am not marriage counselor but usually when I know a couple that has divorced, it is sometimes easy to see why their relationship fell apart. Sometimes it can be as simple as the way they speak to each other. I have seen two of our couple friends divorce in the last five years. We were guests at both their weddings and we knew they wouldn't make it... kind of sad to say but it was true. We address things differently in our relationship. Of course there is always a chance of infidelity, sudden abuse, etc, but that is unfortunately you don't see coming too often.
No, but my FI's parents are divorced and his mom is remarried and his dad is basically married to another woman.....and recently two of my cousins got divorces, one I saw coming a mile away, the other was a complete shock, they were the happiest people I had ever seen and then boom, no longer in love....It is scary, but does not make me question our love for one another, I feel we have been through enough ups and downs that if we were ever going to be broken, it would have happened long ago.
Hmmm. That's a good question. I've thought about the fact that I know that there are a lot of women on this site...married, engaged, and waiting.
of those that get married, close to half of us will also get divorced.
It's so sad.
But, here's how I think of it when I need to put it into perspective.
Once you're married, imagine the WORST CASE divorce scenario. I mean UGLY. Devastating. Imagine the divorce event that would completely shatter your soul and make you wonder how your life could ever be whole again.
Then, think about all your happy times. Think about how your SO makes you smile and laugh, and how he makes you feel special. Think about how it feels to know that he picked you, out of every other woman in the world, to spend the rest of his life with. Know that there would be times like these over the years, following a marriage (hopefully).
Then ask yourself, is it worth it? Are all those times of happiness worth the RISK of the devastation of divorce -- a divorce that may or may not ever happen? How hard are you willing to work at marriage? How hard would your SO work to make it work? There's a lot that goes in to it and there's no simple answer.
I don't mean for this to sound wrong, but seeing some divorced people teaches us how NOT to do things. We had a talk about the whole "what would happen if.." thing. Since we have children, we talked about custody and how we would never use the children against each other, we talked about seperation of assets, everything. Kind of like a verbal prenup lol. We trust each other enough to know that if something like that ever did happen we would act like adults if nothing else for the sake of our children.
Nah. My mother has been through so many relationships that I thought it would influence me. Fortuantely, it didn't and I grew from it.
ETA: Now it really grinds my gears when divorced people try to imply that my marriage will fail because theirs did.
It honestly doesn't worry me - usually in cases of divorce, even when they cite irreconcilable differences, if you hear the whole story you can see the little germ that slowly grew and killed the marriage. Like marrying very young, or being undereducated/very low income, one of the partners was unfaithful even before marriage or had a history of substance abuse. People do change, but by the time people are 25 years+ they are fairly set in their ways and values. In those rare situations where there DOES seem to be a huge change, a lot of times the person was actually like that all along... they just hid it from the outside world very well.
When you read those silly lists listing the risk factors, we have very few of the supposed risk factors of divorce - same faith, over 26, no divorced parents, college educated, no cohabitation, household income over $X amount, blah blah blah. Who know if any of those actually matter? But maybe that gives me a sense of security.
And then I don't know that many people who have gotten divorced. I did have an uncle get divorced long ago. Out of my entire circle of friends in high school AND college, only one has divorced parents. There is 0 divorce in DH's family and he has no friends who were children of divorce. I wonder if it is in some ways a socioeconomic thing - in fact I believe I read about this in the New York Times, about how upper middle class couples are shunning divorce and it is even re-acquiring its stigma a little bit.
@DeadUtopia: That's a great thing to do, it's not like your planning your divorce but I do think it's healthy to talk about it, don't trat it like a taboo.
@MissPumpkinPie: I hate when people say things like "if half the couples get divorce what's the point of getting married?" really? well so there can be more divorces duh.. Kidding! But it IS annoying.
The divorce rate scares me. But I hope it always does, because it reminds me that so many couples were once in love and excited FI and I are right now, and somehow it broke. I hope it continues to remind me to treat him as something wonderful and to never take him for granted.
But yes, I have definitely worried about divorce. But in the end, I love him too damn much not to marry him, even if it scares me a bit.
@Coffee cup: Hahaha. There's some truth it in though. You don't know how many older people have looked at me like I'm crazy cause I'm getting married. Sorry yours failed or didn't work out, but I'm pretty damn sure mine will. We may fight, hate each other for a few miliseconds, etc.. but we're in this for the long haul, baby! Can't wait to prove it to people.
It worries me...especially because I don't believe in divorce and neither does he. So, once we're married, it's a given that it won't happen, but what if something REALLY bad happens and we just can't make it work?
No. Other people are not me. I know myself and feel confident. I married someone that I truly helped, that truly helps me. He wouldn't be alive without me. I know that anything can happen, but I hope to keep my relationship strong always with DH. We both have had the worst things happen to us in life, so we really appreciate one another. We have both been around many many a block.
That being said, I don't judge really or think divorce is always bad necessarily. People get married for all different reasons, some which might not be the best, but some of which might just be the result of circumstance- either way, I don't judge my experience by looking at theirs. Their decisions, judgement, motivations, experience, and circumstanses are different. I don't judge them, I just know that they are not the same as mine.
I had a friend who was going through her divorce tell both me & FI (BF at the time) how we shouldn't get married, marriage is a waste of time and never works out bla bla bla. Honestly, until then I never questioned it because every relationship is different, every circumstance is different.
It doesn't worry me but it makes me think about how happy we are today and what we can do to stay happy and to keep our relationship strong.
It is sad that there are a few friends of mine who have gotten married and have some serious problems in their relationships that could very easily lead to divorce. I hope the best for them whatever that may be.
No because every relationship is different. Yes, divorce is real. A lot of people go through them for a variety of reasons. But, there also are a lot of successful marriages that really do last till death do they part. It's really possible to have a lasting marriage and I believe with everything I am that DH and I will make it.
Both of our parents are divorced and remarried. We've been the "by-products of divorce" so to speak (not saying this is unhappy - I love my Mom to the moon and back!) but we do know, and feel very strongly, that so long as our situations are not those of our parents, we will do whatever we have to do so we can do this right the first time. We've talked about this several times - why my parents divorced, why his parents divorced...are we anything like that? Etc etc. Long story short? No. We're not.
I do live in reality; I know the divorce rate, the reasons why, and this that and the other. I also know that yes, we do have issues with money (hello we are in our early 20s) and we probably won't agree 100% on every single thing parenting related - but we'll compromise. We aren't perfect. We never have been, never will be. But we have the capacity to be happily married. We bicker and argue, but we kiss and make up. Or rather, hash it out and make up. We don't believe in perfection and so we don't hold ourselves to some insane standard. Long story short again? We're normal. We're your average, more-often-than-not happy couple. We don't crap rainbows or claim to be great when we're not...and I think people appreciate that about us. My brother has told me, "I want what you and S have." I think we're also a good bit like my grandparents in philosophy - who were married for 57 years before my Papa passed.
Jeez....I'll hop off my soapbox now. ;)
Oh and an interesting article I read (that I cannot find) basically said that healthy marriages need a 5:1 ratio. You need to have five "happy moments" for every one "bad fight." Bad fight...not disagreement or difference.
My parents split when I was less than 2, the divorce was final 2 years later. My grandparents were a major part of raising me and I look at them when I see what I want in marriage. That is why I waited until I was in my 30's to get married. DH and I have already been through some major things together and made it through. I think most couples just give up instead of trying ot work on their marriage. Communication breaks down and then if you don't start it again then things just fester. Marriage is hard work. It is not sunshine and rainbows. It is more than he left the toilet seat up again. It is we have no money and can't pay our bills and how can we make it next month. It is you did something I can't stand and we need to change things, not I can't deal so I left. I am not saying all marriages are salvagable, but I do think a majority are.
DH and I are both divorced. Prior to meeting DH I insisted I wouldn't get married ever again. I planned to have a long term relationship but who needs marriage right? I had a bunch of bf's propose and I always said no (they were never married before) and it ruined all of those relationships. When I met DH he was different from the rest I was head over heels right away. When he proposed (it was a surprise) YES came flying right out with no reservations. I think my failures and rejections groomed me to know when the right one came along. (I'm not at all saying that you need to get divorced to find the right one, but for me that's how it worked)
It's not silly to think that, a lot of people get divorced but I'm sure at the time they got married (most of them) they were in love and beleived they'd be together. Things happen though, you just kind of have to take a leap of faith and hope for the best.
Divorce doesn't make me question marriage. Life is crazy and anything can happen, but you can't go through life worrying about everything. My husband and I are so happy right now. It is scary to think that someday down the road we could divorce and hate each other. We are committed to one another that we won't allow that to happen to us. It's also scary to think that my parents' wonderful marriage ended when my father was only 56 and died of cancer, leaving my mom a widow at 51.
You can't predict the future. You just have to do what's best for you given your current situation now and then have no regrets later knowing that hindsight makes everything seem different.
The only divorced person I know is my mother and she was divorced before I was old enough to remember it, so I have no idea why it happened and whatnot. The fact that she's divorced has never crossed my mind in making me question marriage. In fact, it's quite the opposite. Some MARRIED couples make me question marriage. It's particularly my FI's parents make me wonder if marriage is terrible. They've been together 20someodd years and honestly, I don't know how they live in the same house without killing each other. Everytime I see them together, they are awful to each other, even on holidays and birthdays. It's difficult to be around sometimes. I often wonder why they aren't divorced, but apparently there's something there that I don't see. It makes me wonder if my FI and I will end up that way years down the road, too. But, I have faith in us and he's nothing like his parents and our relationship is much different from theirs, so I don't see that happening.
No, divorce doesn't make me question marriage. I understand that divorce happens - but that doesn't impact my relationship or make me worry. That said, maybe I should question it a bit more. My parents are divorced (dad is one wife #3, mom is remarried and he is awesome) and I'm divorced. I also know what was bad about my last relationship and I have none of those problems now.
It doesn't make me question per se but, I would say that it makes me nervous somewhat. Still, I want to get married.
@cbee: & @Juliepants: ITA with you both. I'm not concerned about what other people do or have done. Our cirumstances will be the result of our own efforts.
No, as mistakes happen and all people are different. We also have this 'it will work' drummed into our heads when we meet the one, so we still go ahead with it.
Thank you, everyone, for your responses. It helps to see different perspectives on this.
We all get so caught up in the planning of the wedding--I think it's just as important to really scrutinize your relationship as well, even the potentially bad stuff.
Other people's divorces don't phase me. DH's and my relationshp is our own and isn't the same as anyone elses so what happens to them has no bearing on us and the strength of our bond.
My parents had a terrible marriage and an even worse divorce. So I am sort of inherently pessimistic about marriage. Of course I love the idea of it and want to try my hardest to have a successful marriage, but honestly it's so hard for me to believe that it can work.
For me, in order to be comfortable with the idea of marriage, I had to redefine it for myself. I don't like the idea that the only way to have a successful marriage is to be together until you die - though, of course, to be happy together until the end of your life is the best case scenario.
I don't think divorce must mean "failing," per se, if it is done in the right way. If my wife and I are lucky enough to have some beautiful children and provide a happy home for them, and if we ever separated remained kind and respectful to each other, putting the needs of our family first, I can accept that. Of course the idea, now, makes me feel awful and terrible, but all I can do is trust myself and my partner and know that if we ever got to that point it would be the best thing for everyone and that hopefully we will still treat each other well.
I know it's a kind of dark and pessimistic view but oddly it is very comforting to me. It relieves a lot of the pressure.
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