Do FILs ever get less pushy???

posted 3 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
885 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

Wow, and I thought my FFIL was bad sometimes.  I feel for you… that is just brutal especially the part about you needing to change your sleep pattern… seriously?  Ugh.

My advice would be don’t even engage.  Rather than defend the decisions you have made for YOUR life, just stop the conversation with “I’d really rather not discuss this matter with you” or even “that’s really not your decision to make” and leave it at that. The more you argue your side, the more he will defend his opinion.

Post # 4
Member
855 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2008

>>>Yesterday was a holiday, and if you read my previous post, you’ll see that that means we are obligated to spend it with them even though we both worked the night before and SO worked that night.<<<

Between the 2 of you, neither one of you have the ability to stand up to someone and say no, we’re not going to spend the holiday with you and just not go???

and yes, it really is that easy

Post # 5
Member
3570 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

Gosh how annoying!  I would just say something, well, if I’m looking for advice I’ll come to you.  Right now I’m not.

Post # 6
Member
10384 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2010

I think if you want this to get better, you guys need to be more assertive in your boundary setting. People will only overstep your boundaries if you let them…and you are letting your FIL’s walk all over you.

Post # 8
Member
855 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2008

@taraelisabeth:  I would suggest that until your fiance can make a decision without feeling like he’s going to be effected by some guilt trip by his parents, you don’t marry him. Neither my husband or I can be guilted into anything by anyone. Everyone knows it doesn’t work and if someone tries, we shut it down QUICKLY. Then folks leave you alone.

Post # 10
Member
855 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2008

@taraelisabeth:  Yeah, I was going to say (but you said it) – don’t joke. Parents who don’t have boundaries end up in your household, in your marriage, they’re trying to raise your kids because their son won’t tell them to close their trap and respect their wives (or husbands). This is a good indication of what could potentially turn into a bigger problem. Fix it BEFORE you say I do and if he refuses to do so, refuse to walk down the aisle…

Post # 11
Member
7286 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

Your SO is the issue, he isnt standing up to them and its impossing on your happiness. If it isnt handled now, then yeah your marriage is really not going to fare any better. Nip it in the bud now. 

Post # 13
Member
7654 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2012

@taraelisabeth:  Do we share the same FIL? My FIL is the biggest PIA in the world. I got in a huge fight with him at a restaurant becuase he kept bothering DH about where HE thinks we should live.

Last night we had to drive nearly an hour and a half just for supper at FIL’s house (an hour and a half of driving for just 2 hours of visiting time). With coming that far we thought 4th of July supper would have been started. Nope. FIL instead started off by telling my husband he won’t ever own a motocycle like “Clyde’s” because we have a St. Bernard to feed. MIL just got off work, feet swollen, tired, and he comes in demanding her to cook for HIS family when he, who didn’t work all day and was standing around doing nothing, could have done something. They got into a big fight, and I finally just said to hell with both of them and made the burgers myself.

There is no reasoning with him. He is always right even when he is wrong.

Post # 15
Member
4698 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@taraelisabeth:  Memorize the following acronym: SNIP.

Smile

Nod

Ignore

Proceed.

Phrases like “Hm, that’s interesting, we’ll think about that” and “I’m glad we have you guys’ experience to draw from, it’s a big decision to mull over” are helpful. The best way is if you act like you’re considering their advice but never agree to anything, and then go on doing things your own way. They probably will always be pushy, but your choice is whether you start a fight over it, or just quietly go ahead and do what you were going to do anyway. Nothing you say is likely to change their idea of what THEY think is best, and nothing they say SHOULD change your well-considered plans. 

So my solution to these situations (that do crop up for us too) is just to go “uh huh” and then move on.

I do suggest that you and your guy draw some better boundaries though – he needs to stand up to them when they insist on a visit at an inconvenient time, that’s a conversation you two should be having. (Knowing that the first few times you refuse, his mom will push much, much harder, but if you stand your ground, that at least should improve over time.)

Post # 16
Member
2368 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

Two things.  You need to stop saying the word “if”.  None of this “if he can drive, if we can make it”, all you’re doing is encouraging them to bully your fiance.  The correct answer is “I’m sorry, but we’ve already made plans.  We’ll have to come over some other time”.  When pressed to pin down a date, the answer is “We’ve been terribly busy with work and other commitments.  We love seeing you, and we’ll call to set up a date to come visit”. 

The second thing is more important.  HE needs to grow a pair and man up.  If he doesn’t, they are going to run your lives till the day they die.  They’re his family, he needs to stand up and say “We have other plans, and we are not coming to visit this weekend”.  You can’t stand up for him, he has to learn to put on his big boy pants and do it himself.  Otherwise, you’ll be the horrible bitch that’s keeping their precious baby away from them. 

And @Bebealways: is absolutely correct on how to handle their advice.  Do not engage, just give a noncommital statement and move on.

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