Weddingbee boards

My FI & I are from two different countries. Picking where to do the wedding was very difficult. We decided to do it in his home country, because it would be hard for a lot of his family and friends to fly to the US for the wedding, both due to cost of travel and obtaining visas. However, because FI has a HUGE family, and I wanted a smaller, more intimate wedding (since even though it is easier for my family and friends to travel financially, it still isn't something everyone can do so my side of guests will be lopsidedly small), we decided to do it in a resort town about a six hour drive from his hometown. This way, it will be a destination for both families, although a bit easier for those on his side.

Now, this resort town is rather expensive since it is a popular DW spot. Also, doing the kind of wedding I envision, is expensive, too. We are looking at $25,000 for about 75 guests. I want to do something beautiful and memorable, since so many people are traveling so far for the event.

I have been talking to a lot of people who have been warning me that because people (especially my guests) will be spending money to travel for the wedding - about $1,000-$1,500 per person for the trip - I probably won't receive gifts, or at least not as much as I would receive if they didn't travel.

What is the general ettiquette rule for gift-giving at DWs? I don't want to sound gift-grubby, the truth is that, I think when you do spend a lot of money for a wedding you do hope to recupe a portion of the cost in monetary gifts or gifts for the house. I do feel like, to some extent, a wedding is to celebrate but also to help the new couple with items to begin their life.

I just feel worried if we are going to spend ALL that money on a wedding (when we could do so much more with it) especially if we won't recupe any of it. In some ways, I am more inclined to do a wedding in my hometown, to avoid that, but then FI's family will feel shafted - and even doing two weddings, one in each home town, will probably end up being the similar price as one DW and the point of a wedding is to bring both families together, so I am leaning towards one big one.

Thoughts?

I wouldn't expect gifts, especially at a destination wedding. I've only been to one, but I did bring a gift. However, many guests who traveled out of town for mine did not bring us a gift and I understand because traveling is expensive. I was just thrilled that they took off from work and got a plane just to be with us on our wedding day.

$25,000 is a lot of money, and you will not receive even close to that, even if all of your guests bring you gifts. We had over 200 people at our wedding and spend just over $10,000. I did not expect, and certainly didn't come close to, that in gifts. Our gifts have been extremely helpful in building and furnishing our home and helping with post-wedding expenses, but if i were you I would not expect to 'recoup' your wedding budget from your gifts.

Even at non-DWs, gifts are not expected. Of course, I'm sure someone else will be more helpful in knowing the general 'rule' of DW gifts. I have heard, however, that most DW couples prefer monetary gifts as opposed to a registry because of travel expenses.

Since you pointed out that you wanted a nice, intimate wedding, going about the destination route seems fitting. Your family and friends will travel and spend $$ to see you, so the gifts you do receive will mean that much more.

Thanks for your input! I know we shouldn't really expect anything. I'm just struggling so much, because I do want to put on a wonderful event to celebrate with our friends & family, and for us to remember forever....but then I think of ALL the other things we could do with that money & it kind of hurts my heart! haha. I know we probably won't even recoup 1/4 of what we spend....gulp...which is tough because wow, $25,000 would make a great down payment on a house. A local wedding could probably be done a lot cheaper, but I would feel bad with FI's closest love ones not being present..

Thanks for all the feedback. It's interesting. I guess a lot does depend on the mindset of people traveling. My brother and SIL said they told me that they got back most of what they put into their wedding ($20,000 for 150 guests). I guess it depends. I will probably just do it how I want and not expect gifts or look for a cheaper alternative to the wedding I want.

@pinkshoes: The main reason we decided to make it a destination for both families is that, no lie, his family is massive. Both of his brothers' weddings had around 600 guests. (Let's call it 300 on the groom side). I know if we do it there - by the time all the relatives, distant aunts, uncles, cousins, elementary school friends, parents friends, etc, - his guest list would be well over 200-250. This might be fine, but since I have a very small family, and only about half of them will be able to travel for the wedding - I would be looking at having 30 guests on my side and 200+ on his side. I just don't feel comfortable having that huge of a wedding where I don't even know half the people. Plus, my parents are paying for basically the WHOLE thing. I want to do something beautiful with the money. If we have such a huge wedding, we will have to do a very moderate affair to accomodate all those guests. I just don't want to feel like a stranger in my own wedding and have to pay for 150 extra people I don't know. If we do it in his hometown, it is a lot harder for his family to not be able to invite their guests, their would be hurt feelings, etc, which is why a DW makes sense.

I gave cash on one occasion and a gift another. It depends on the individual or their financial situation. Some people will still send a gift as well even if they are unable to attend. One couple recived lots of homemade gifts and gift cards because some guests couldn't afford more expensive gifts after paying so much to travel.

If I was spending that much money to attend your wedding, I would only give a small gift.

@Lindsay12.31.2010: Haha! You're so cute. Of course you can come! ;-)

Overall, I do tend to see it more of the point of view (if I were the one traveling to the DW, instead of the bride, for example) that if I am willing to shell out $$$ for the travel, what's another $100 on top of that?

I won't *expect* gifts, but since most of the guests who will attend will combine it with a vacation, and we are planning to make it a nice multi-day event with dinners, receptions, activities, etc, it will be special than someone having to shell out several hundred dollars + hotel to go to some random town in, say, Iowa (not to knock anyone from Iowa). So, I hope they see it more as that and if they come they see it as a vacation they choose, rather than an obligation they made to me.

I am putting on my wedding website something to the effect of "although you being there is gift enough, if you so choose...." etc.