Post # 1
Ashley is one of my closest friends, we were sorority sisters, and lived together for 2 years. Last year while living together one of her best friends from home got engaged and will be married May 2012. For the past year, she’s been overwhelmed and venting about her friends wedding and all things related to it.
When I got engaged in August, I wanted to do something cute to ask my bridesmaids. And in the process of doing that, my father passed away. So all things wedding came to a stop and I haven’t been able to ask them yet. So now that it’s been a month since he’s passed, we’ve started to get back into wedding things.
Three weeks after my engagement, our other friend got engaged and immediately after being asked, called Ashley to be her maid of honor. This friend is getting married in October 2012 and within the first week of being engaged, Ashley started venting about having no time for all the things these girls want her to do.
The point is… do I still ask her to be a bridesmaid and risk stressing her out even more and give her the option to turn it down? I really don’t know what to do in this situation since I’m getting married August 2012.
Post # 3
From what I’ve read, it seems Ashley doesn’t really enjoy being a bridesmaid, so maybe she’s not the best person to ask anyway?
If someone were to ask me, and I already had a lot on my plate, I’d feel badly about turning them down. I’d probably accept the offer, even if I secretly wasn’t really excited about it.
Perhaps you’d do better asking other close friends, and give Ashley a breather? If she mentions it, tell her you weren’t sure that she’d want another obligation during such a busy time, but that you’d love to have her input throughout the planning process if she wants to participate.
Then later down the road, if she does express interest in helping out, you can always give her another special role in the wedding. Then there’s no pressure in either direction.
Just one perspective!
Post # 4
It depends — how much help do you think you’re going to want from her during the planning process? And how much have these girls actually wanted her to do?
Honestly, here’s what I’d do. If you guys are that close, I would level with her and say, “Look, you’re one of my closest friends. I love you, and I’d like you to be part of my wedding. However, I know that these other two events have been super stressful for you. You’d definitely be one of my choices for a bridesmaid, but would you prefer to do a reading at the wedding instead, since I figure that I’m going to need roughly [whatever level of commitment you expect] from my bridesmaids?”
That way, she knows how important to you she is, but has the chance to be honest with you about her own time and money management. That being said — even if she says she wants to be a bridesmaid and you include her, I would adjust your expectations of her to pretty much buying a dress and shoes, and showing up on the day. So then you won’t be disappointed in her, she won’t be stressed due to you, and any extras she volunteers for will be icing on the cake. 🙂
Post # 5
Ask her to do a reading or some other form of participation in the ceremony. That way she can still be a part of your day without making the full on commitment of a BM.
Post # 6
I think you need to make sure you let her know that you’d love to have her in your wedding, but that her stress level is more important. Let it be HER decision. She may be closer to you and more experienced by the time it’s your wedding. Provide her with an alternative or even just been an honored guest and tell her she’s welcome to help with some of the other planning if she’d like. In other words, find out how involved she wants to be and go from there. After all, it sounds like you want her in the wedding, but can do without her if it’s going to end up driving a wedge between you.
Post # 7
@dfontaine07: I’d give her the option. Be honest with her. Tell here you know she may or may not be up for it and that you won’t be offended if she says no. You have to really mean that, though. Also, I’d consider asking her and telling her that all you really want from her is her participation on the day of the wedding. That way she doesn’t feel the stress and pressure of all the other things lots of brides expect from their bridesmaids. It might make her more apt to say yes.
Post # 8
You guys have been so extremely helpful. This has been one of my most stressful situations just because I don’t want to stress people out or hurt any feelings. I will let you all know how it plays out. I appreciate everyone’s advice SOOO much!
Post # 9
i think you can ask her if you are okay with her only involvement being getting a dress and standing up with you on the day. and you tell her that. don’t ask her for anything else or expect it and then neither of you can get disappointed and she can still support you on the day of? and of course give the option to decline.