(Closed) Do I have a right to be a little upset? or am I overreacting?

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
  • poll: Do I have a right to be a little upset? or am I overreacting?
    No, he's justified in what he said... : (8 votes)
    7 %
    I think your just upset about not making more money... : (10 votes)
    9 %
    I would be upset too! : (90 votes)
    83 %
  • Post # 3
    4001 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: June 2010

    I do think you have a right to be upset.  It seems to me, that given the amount of time you both work and the number of responsibilities you  both have, the cooking/cleaning/etc, should be split equally too.  This concerns me because it sounds kinda like he’s expecting a subservient wife.  I don’t know if that’s the case, but from what you said, it could be a problem.  I’d sit down with him and outline what it is you both take care of.  Maybe when he sees it that way, he’ll realize he’s not doing much more than you are and he’ll realize you both have to maintain the household.

    Post # 4
    3788 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: July 2011

    That other place you have to live? I’d probably be on my way there right now. At least enough to scare him into realizing that his expectations are ridiculous. Sorry that might be a bit overreacting on my part, but that is a really sexist and rude thing for him to expect. A couple should be about compromise and give and take, and this sounds like an awful lot of take. And further, marriage is not a bargaining chip. Either you will or you won’t. That would piss me off the most. Ultimatums like that should be reserved for super serious things, not as coercion to get a maid. I think you need to seriously talk about his expectations, your expectations, and the financial situation. You are working as hard as you can, and it is not OK for him to say that girls are lazy bitches just because you are not as neat as he’d like. I would either move out (hey, he’s the one putting the wedding on the line; I’d play hardball) like I said before, or I would stay and pick up after myself so that anything of mine were never out of place… and let him pick up after himself. Then, he can’t complain that you are lazy or not pulling your share. I want to say look into subletting your place so you can reallocate your funds, but I think the bigger problem is not the money itself as his domineering, sexist attitude. Good luck.

    Post # 5
    61 posts
    Worker bee
    • Wedding: November 2011

    WHAT THE HELL. That would be an effing deal breaker for me. That is the most disgusting, disrespectful request I’ve ever heard. He’s not more valuable in the relationship just because he makes more. JESUS $#%&[email protected]^([email protected] Just reading this is getting my blood boiling. If you contributed less money AND spent more time at home, then I think the request would be justified. But just because you chose a career that makes less than his (which he has known all along, right?) does not mean that he gets to have special rights in the house. Tell him to use all his extra income to hire a maid full time. Then run for the hills.

    Post # 6
    3762 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: May 2010

    I would be living in my own house right now as well.  I can understand spending time together but he needs to realize you are not his maid.

    I don’t understand how you equate him asking this of you to you not making as much money though? 

    I would maybe try to get a better understanding of things.  Does he want you to take care of the household chores since you aren’t paying to live there?  Or is this something he actually expects of you just in general (ie even if you were helping pay the mortgage). 


    Post # 7
    1084 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: September 2009

    Yikes – sounds like he has a bit of growing up to do.  If he’s worried about the $$ and contributing he needs to talk to you about that and you guys need to figure out what to do about the other place and if he feels like he’s worried that you’ll break up and he’ll have lost money renting to other people or what his deal is about that.  But to turn it into you should be his servant because he chooses to have you sleep over…..no, no, no, hopefully he was just being a jerk in expression and not actually going there.  Sounds like a real money talk needs to be had but you being his servant is not the solution. 

    Post # 8
    1982 posts
    Buzzing bee

    Agreed with the others. WTF mate?! I would set him straight–and trust me, I’d have been yelling so loud, he wouldn’t have been able to hear afterwards. What a ridiculous statement for him to make and what a sexist thing to say.

    Post # 9
    2201 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: August 2010

    I’d personally be pissed. If he wants a maid, he can hire one. If he wants a girlfriend/wife, I’d tell him to clean up his act because from my point of view he’s being a jerk. (okay, a little strong, but really, keep a spotless house or I won’t marry you?!? Is this 1955?) You seem to have a ton more patience than me because I’d already be packing up my things to move into my other apartment.

    Post # 10
    1982 posts
    Buzzing bee

    PS- there is no option in the poll for what I think 😉

    Post # 11
    234 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: November 2010

    I didn’t vote because there was no option agreeing with you! I don’t think you’re wrong for feeling this way. Your bf is holding ridiculous standards and it’s not fair. I highly doubt you’re the only person making messes. Like one of other girls said, I’d hightail it back to the place you pay rent on. Tell him you’re going to stay there for a little while…and watch how quickly his house get’s messy. Just because you make less money than him right now doesn’t mean you have to take over the household duties. I don’t work right now and my FH would never expect me to keep the entire house clean but I do it because I want to. If he told me I had to do it or made me feel like crap because I didn’t, I wouldn’t do it! You aren’t his child you don’t have to listen to his requests. Also you are his GIRLFRIEND not his wife so you’re only “cleaning responsibilities” are cleaning up after yourself and your pets. Idk who he thinks he is expecting you to do all that cleaning while working your full time hours too. I get mad and upset for you just thinking about it lol Anyway try to be nice but def. talk to him about this and explain to him that you aren’t obligated to clean up after him and you appreciate him letting you live with him but if this is how hes going to be then you’ll be moving back into your own place because you’re not his maid. Maybe when you’re married and you compromise and do more domesticated things for each other, you’ll have no problem cleaning up after him and the entire house but for now you’re just his girlfriend. OH oh and make sure you remind him that you’re not his mom and he’s not handicapped so he can clean up too.

    Post # 12
    3125 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: December 2009

    My husband makes more than I do by quite a lot, and though we split bills and responsibilities around the house, I have never felt the way you have described. All of the things that we each do contribute to the household as a whole – you should not feel like you owe the other anything. If i were you, I would tell him how you feel. It’s not fair to you to feel like a slave just b/c you make a little less than your fiance.

    When we were having some growing pains, my fiance brought up concerns like this about the household – he’s very neat, and I’m not as much. but not in a personal way.. more like, “I really can’t feel at ease after work if the dishes are left in the sink” or something like that. I understand it’s how he is, vs. how he thinks i should act. I make more of an effort to clean b/c it puts him at ease and shows him that i love him, not b/c it’s women’s work or something. I think you can make it work but he has to change his attitude and compromise with you. When my hubby and i have these talks, he usually will concede something to make things more fair.

    Post # 13
    114 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: August 2010

    Umm, WHAT? My Fiance makes a lot less than me and I don’t expect him to pick up after me. That is ridiculous. If I were you, I’d tell him he better be willing to split the chores or YOU’RE not even going to think about marrying HIM.

    Also, you really should be living where you’re paying to live otherwise, you’re just wasting money. Either that or end your lease and move in with him but before you do, make sure he understands you are not his maid.

    Post # 14
    298 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: October 2010

    You have a right to be more than a little upset, you have a right to be a lot upset.

    He knows your financial situation, and he knew it when he asked you to move in. And now he’s moving the goalposts on you, which is beyond unreasonable.

    I would sit down with him and calmly point out to him why you’re in this situation — and that if he wasn’t comfortable with the situation, then asking you to move in was probably premature. Explain that you see this as a relationship of two equals — and that you both work equally hard, so in your view you should contribute equally to the household chores.

    Ask him if you were contributing to the mortgage the amount you currently pay in rent and bills, would the chores be divided proportionally based on who pays what? I’m pretty sure he wouldn’t.

    His attitude seems to be way off here, and he needs to really reassess his priorities of what marriage is all about, in my view.

    Post # 15
    1137 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: April 2009

    I guess I’m a little confused too.  So, if you WERE paying towards the mortgage, would he be fine splitting household chores?  If this is just a general expectation–ie: you need to clean up after him because that’s what he expects out of a wife–BAD.  Wife does not = maid.  However, if he’s feeling upset because you’re not paying toward household expenses, despite living there, and he thinks this is a good way to even things out, I can understand that a little more.  Still, this all seems weird to me.  I think you guys need to have a SERIOUS talk.  If he is upset that you’re not paying toward household expenses, and the reason you can’t afford to is because you’re still paying your own, you two need to discuss why you’re not comfortable giving up your place and really moving in with him.  And, if I were you, I might go live in my own place until this was all figured out.  I’m sorry you’re dealing with this!  Good luck!

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