Post # 1
So my birthday was sunday. I told my FI to not get me a gift as we are talking about building a deck in our backyard. i figured it would save him some money and we could put it towards the deck. I asked him to take me for dinner and a movie. a date night.
the friday of the date night, he had a bunch of running around to do and we ended up having a quick dinner and no moive. i was mad he did’nt plan anything and just winged it. so I said i wanted to home rather then to the movies.
on my birthday i didnt expect a big gift. I expected him to at least get me a card or something like flowers to make me feel special. I got nothing. i was upset. that same day he went and bought a 400 dollar saw to build the deck. today he is thinking about buying a $6500 boat. I guess i should have just asked for what i wanted…
do i have the right to be upset? i guess i put myself here by not asking for a gift….but come on!
what do you think?
Post # 3
I completely understand where you are coming from and I would be upset as well.
Unfortunately, men are just not that complicated. You said no gifts, just a date night, and a date night was what you got!
Try to explain to him, without being upset, that in the future even if you say no gifts that you want him to make you feel special on your birthday with flowers or a card etc.
P.S. Happy Birthday!
Post # 4
I think you have a right to be upset about not getting a card or made to feel special, since that doesn’t cost money. But you did say no gifts, and you were the one that said no movie, too. I’d be livid if he went out and bought the boat though, when the whole point of not getting you a gift was to save money for a project…
Happy (belated) Birthday!
Post # 6
This is a perfect example of how men communicate differently from women – I think we have all had experinces just like yours. 🙂
In reality, you did get excatly what you asked for & in his man head, he thinks he nailed it, b/c he listened to you.
The truth is you are going to have to flat out tell him that while you didn’t want a gift, that you wanted a little something like a card or flowers (once again, be really specific.) Just be sure not to show that you are upset about it b/c he will feel fustrated b/c he feels he listened to you. Basically, just tell him nicely, that you loved going to dinner & that you know you didn’t ask for a gift, but in the future you would love things that don’t cost alot of money like X,Y, and Z.
Post # 7
- Wedding: August 2013 - Brookfield Zoo
I agree with previous posters, although I would be mad too, when you say no gifts, guys usually think “no gifts.” However, if you said the reason of no gifts was so that you can funnel money towards building a deck and he goes and buys a boat, then you definitely have a right to be angry!
Post # 8
If you say no gifts to a man…..they think “Buy nothing!!”. But they boat, umm no! But if you are saving money for a deck, and he buys a saw, well isnt that technically money going towards a deck?
But happy belated birthday!
Post # 9
I think I would be upset. You asked for a date night and you got one I guess… except he didn’t even really plan it or schedule it in for you!
As for the no gift part, he probably took “no gift” to also mean no card and no flowers.
Post # 10
@Dolcebabe: No you don’t have the right to be upset. You sent mixed signals to him about gifts. Why should he assume you wanted a gift for your birthday but you didn’t want one for the anniversary. I also don’t think you have the right to be angry about the $400 saw. You wanted a deck built and he is acquiring the tools to do so. When it comes to gifts and special occasions I specify exactly what I would like or list a few options and I also tell him what kind of date I would like us to have. Next time you want something ask for it and be clear about it.
Post # 11
I’m not sure why we do this as women. We say one thing, but really mean (or want) something else. It’s like we try to test men and see if they will pass, but we set them up to fail. Most men take things literally. You say “I don’t want gifts”, when you’re really thinking “maybe he’ll buy me something anyway”, but he hears “she doesn’t want a gift.” They don’t sit and overthink things the way we do. You got exactly what you asked for, a date night. If you wanted something more, you should have told him. In this case, I don’t think you have a right to be upset that he didn’t do anything else. I do think you have a right to be upset about the expensive boat, especially if you both agreed to save money to build a deck. I don’t think the boat purchase should be tied in with you being upset about your birthday.
Happy Belated Birthday!
Post # 12
the thing is… I am 100% clear with him. clear to the point I tell him exactly what we are doing, what he should buy me all the time! I’m sick of him coming to me 24/7 to make a decision.
I guess part of me just wants him to
1: pay attention to me and not have to ask ‘what I want’ and just know.
2: plan a date without me telling him where, when & how….. a little romance and surprise would be nice.
a girl can dream i guess. i plan on telling how I feel about this…. so he knows for next time. I don’t plan on letting him know I am angry as i do think its petty that I am mad…. venting to the bee’s has helped straighten me out.
Post # 13
@Dolcebabe: Definitely tell him that. Tell him it would make you happy if he planned something nice without your input every once in awhile.
Have you read or heard of the book The 5 Love Languages? Lots of bees here recommended it, so I picked it up. It’s informative and helps you understand eachother’s needs.
Post # 14
@Dolcebabe: I totally understand this part. Unfortunately, some guys are just not so good at this. Mine isn’t. I focus on all of the wonderful attributes he does have, and I try to reinforce his positive behavior, like when he does do something sweet and romantic. I think with your encouragement and communication, he may understand what you want–not to have to tell him what you want. My SO has gotten much better at that over time!
Post # 16
@Dolcebabe: you said you didn’t want a gift, so you didn’t get one. Next time, say what you mean. Men are not mind readers. Also, I don’t understand why you were angry about the date.
Yes a woman would understand that even though you didn’t want a huge gift, you wanted SOMETHING. But guys sometimes need things spelled out for them