- 3 years ago
- Wedding: September 2013
Bees I’m feeling badly about myself because of my weight.
A brief history: I was a skinny kid, but kinda blew up between the ages of 14 and 16. In 10th grade, I weight 180 – 190 lbs. I decided to lose 15 lbs one summer. So I did. I just paid more attention to what I ate and exersized a little more. Nothing crazy – I still ate chocolate and pizza sometimes and there were days I was a couch potato. But by the time I graduated high school, I had lost about 45 lbs. I weighed 143 when I graduated and I stayed at that weight for close to 5 years. Even then, I only gained around 10 lbs or so.
Between the ages of 22 and 28, I weight somewhere between 150 and 160 lbs. and was a size 12. I was pretty happy with that.
But last year around this time, I was going through a really rough time in my life and I started taking Celexa for depression. I’ve battled depression and anxiety my entire life, so this was probably the 3rd time or so I was prescribed anti-depressants (in the past, it was Zoloft, Prozac, and/or something else I can’t remember).
Well, the Celexa worked on my depression, but I INSTANTLY started gaining weight (which was also a side-effect on the other meds I’d tried in the past). So My doctor switched me to Lexapro. Well, my depression/anxiety is still at bay, but I’ve gained probably 10-20 lbs. over the last year and I am disgusted with myself.
I am probably happier than I’ve been in a LONG time in all other aspects of life – marriage is awesome, house is awesome, family is awesome, new job is GREAT, etc….. but I’m my version of fat. (I say my version because I don’t want to offend anyone who is in the 165+ weight region. I know women who weigh MUCH more than that and I would never think of calling them fat. But for me, it’s chubby. Heavy. Gross. It’s not the best me).
The problem is, I just can’t seem to lose ANY weight. I am CONSTANTLY hungry. I’ve tried eating foods (cereal bars, supplements, etc) that are supposed to make you feel full but they do NOTHING. And as far as exersize goes, I feel like I’m out of options. I’m bored to death with what I used to do (walking, jogging, lifting hand weights, some yoga, leg lifts, etc). I can not afford to join a gym or buy a piece of exersize equipment. And I work 2 jobs so a zumba or aerobics class is practically impossible.
I used to get myself motivated to work out easily, but I can’t anymore. Part of me thinks it’s the fact that I’m “an old married lady” and it doesn’t matter. That sounds bad but I don’t mean it in a negative way. My husband loves my body even after the weight gain and I love that. But I don’t feel good about myself. And for some reason, that’s not enough reason for me to try to lose weight.
I know I have to “just do it” and all that junk, but I don’t know why I feel like I can’t. I’m usually a really motivated person, but there’s some sort of mental block this time around.
And while my doctor disagrees, I feel like the bulk of the problem is the meds. I was never hungry like this when I wasn’t taking meds.
I mean….. I don’t want to look like an American Ninja Warrior. I don’t want to run marathons and climb rock walls and live on lettuce and grapes. I don’t want to lose 50 lbs. I want to lose, like 10. I don’t want to even be thin. I like being curvy. But I want to be strong and toned. Being a curvy size 12 and 150 or so lbs. is perfect for me.
And the thing that’s irritating is that I don’t think I eat badly at all …. fast food really doesn’t do much for me. I hate donuts. I don’t eat chips or Cheetos or any of that crap. I don’t drink soda. Sure, I love chocolate and carbs but …. in the grand scheme of things I feel like my diet is not that bad.
I just don’t understand what I’m doing wrong and why this is so hard for me right now.
Friends and family have suggested that I try going off my anti-depressants to see if that helps my weight, especially since things in my life have improved so much over the last year, but that makes me really nervous.
I don’t know….. I’m so mixed up and feel like I let myself down so much…..
Also wanted to add…. while I welcome suggestions, I am NOT interested in diet pills or anything like that. I don’t want meal replacement bars or shakes. I don’t think they’re healthy AT ALL regardless of what anyone says.
- This topic was modified 2 years, 8 months ago by Stace126.