Post # 46
I would say it really depends on your guests and your friend group. You definitely don’t want anyone to feel bored or awkward. We’re having a small family wedding, and I didn’t extend the cousins any plus ones unless they were married, engaged, or cohabiting.
1. Ididn’t want to spend any part of my day greeting strangers.
2. It will essentially be a family reunion on my FI’s side (we were kind of pulled into it), and to be honest, I’m not sure I’d want to go to something like that as an SO of a cousin.
3. Everyone will know everyone intimately since they do an annual family renunion seperate from our wedding (yes, we’re still having a family reunion style wedding – sigh).
We are a very casual family and I don’t anticipate any guests being secretly resentful that we excluded their SOs etc. Also, it helps that FI and I cleared it with all the matriarches (and they saw absolutely no problem with it).
The problem is how you see guests at your wedding. Some see it as a blessing that they have so many people who want to celebrate with them and so they spare no expense. Others got forced into inviting and spending money for people they’d rather not come, and so every additional expense is unpleasant. Also, there is some difference between the people paying for the wedding themselves and the ones who have help paying for it. I’m not saying everyone who pays for themselves is resentful of additional guests – I’m sure now I’ll get some reply from someone who was the exception, but in general terms – its harder to spend your own money than spend someone else’s.
If you can stick up for yourself and cut down the guest list, that is the best solution. As a host, you do have an obligation to make sure everyone has a good time. At the same time, if you don’t care if so and so cousin you never speak to comes or not, and you only invited them because your mom kicked a hysterical fuss over it – then just invite the cousin. If they decline because you didn’t include a plus one, then it works out the best for you.
Post # 47
I really hate the ‘social unit’ or ‘disrespecting a relationship’ arguments. Not extending an invitation to both of us doesn’t in any way invalidate our relationship. My fiancé and I aren’t a unit, we are individual people who have a huge number of shared friends, but we actually enjoy socialising as individuals as well!
Venues hold certain numbers, and the couple can only afford to feed and provide drinks for a certain number of people. For our wedding I would much rather surround myself with people who we are close to than invite a load of random plus ones and then not be able to invite friends and family because a perfect stranger has taken their place. I would be insulted if I discovered that’s why I wasn’t invited to the wedding of someone close to me!
If my fiancé is invited to a wedding and I don’t know the couple, I usually don’t go with him, unless he won’t know anyone else there. For our wedding we are providing a plus one for anyone who won’t know anyone else there, but just because someone we are inviting is dating, living together or married to someone then that doesn’t automatically guarantee we’re going to invite that other person, especially if we don’t know or don’t like them!
It’s your wedding, and you’re paying for it, invite who you want, for the reasons you want, and if a few people decline your invitation because the other half of their ‘social unit’ isn’t invited then so be it, you obviously weren’t that close in the first place and I’m sure you’ll cope without them there!
Post # 48
- Wedding: October 2016 - Lola's Trailer Park
Couples are a social unit and should be invited together, regardless of your relationship with the spouse.
Post # 49
I do think some people judge the seriousness of their own relationships over these wedding invites and that’s why there’s so many emotions attached to it.
My BFF had an issue where she didn’t invite the fiance of one of her FI’s close drinking buddies. The problem though is that the buddy never mentioned ever that he was engaged. We had no idea that he had someone in his life at all. She wasn’t even facebook friends with him, never showed up in any of his pictures, never came to an event or party etc. My BFF had asked this guy if he was planning to bring a plus one, and he said no, he just wanted to party. About three weeks before the wedding, she got a hysterical phone call from this fiance – the girl got BFF’s now-husband’s phone number from his buddy’s phone. It took me and her some serious snooping to figure out who she even was.
Drinking buddy and the girl are still together, and he now takes her to events with him sometimes but according to BFF, it’s super awkward. Could BFF have avoided that by extending him a plus one anyways? Sure. But could the drinking buddy have actually taken this girl seriously and mentioned her existance at some point? Yes.
At the end of the day, you never really know what could go wrong with wedding invitations. The safe thing to do is to invite everyone in a relationship and give all the single guests a plus one, but that’s not in everyone’s budget – push comes to shove, you’re the one paying however many thousands of dollars, you dictate what you want your day to be like.
If you don’t think people will get offended (you know your friends and family better than us), or if it’s not worth an extra $_,000 to make sure so and so cousin’s SO isn’t offended and therefore neither of them will attend, that’s a conscious decision you make and none of us can tell you how to spend your money better or worse.
Post # 50
theotherbride : thank you for all that!! That’s the kind of intimacy I want!
Post # 51
mrsdeantobe : RIGHT?! If they don’t wanna come because of THAT..then oh well they weren’t supportiveness any way
Post # 52
theotherbride : true..I wish I could just stay let everyone bring whoever they wanted..but like you said..our budget doesn’t cut it
Post # 53
bellsprout : thank you! Thank you!!