Post # 1
I’m still new to this site so please bear with me.
I’ve already reserved my venue and was super excited to tell my family. When FI mom asked me how many people it fit I already knew what I was in for. I told her that it fits 400 people and I swear I saw a gleam in her eye! She looked ecstatic lol. Fi and I will be paying for the entire wedding and decided on just having close family and friends. FI told his mother numerous times that he just wants people there who know us and love us. Isn’t that the point of a wedding? Being surrounded by people who love you. Apparently she thinks it’s just a “free for all”. I dreaded asking her for a list of people but I had to because the only people who I know from his side are his sis and two cousins. Needless to say she brought quite a list.
The problem with her inviting so many people is they aren’t really his family. His mom remarried after his dad passed away and has been with FI stepdad for about 12 years. Yes, I know. He was pretty much raised by this man. But FFIL has sooo many siblings. And his siblings have grown kids. And their grown kids have kids!!! It’s like the list never ends!! I supposedly finished my list the other day and she texted me to be sure and add 3 more people. All of whom have husbands and kids. I honestly wouldn’t care to invite these people if I have ever SEEN them! She thinks it’s rude to invite one sibling but not the other two. I completely understand but why in the world would I invite someone who I’ve never seen?
We spend most of our time with my family. They’ve helped us through thick and thin. I’ve narrowed down my list to try and save money. I don’t want to hurt anybodys feelings but I think it’s unavoidable at one point or another when planning a wedding.
FI and I have argued a few times about this. He hasn’t seen many of these people in years. I know he’s just trying to please his mom (but that’s another story entirely hee hee:) I have to constantly tell him “Babe, this isn’t a family reunion for your mom. This is OUR wedding and I want people there who are going to celebrate with us. Not go and mingle with family and eat!”
So I would love some advice and how some of you would go about it. I honestly wouldn’t care to invite all of them if I had the money but frankly we don’t.
Thanks in advance! (Promise I’m not being a bridezilla, there are people in my family who I’m not inviting)
Post # 3
Just another FYI. FIs dads family has 40 people. This is an issue because we only want to invite 100 people. That number is not including my family, his moms family, or our friends! And that number isn’t counting the extra people!
Bees, wish me strength lol
Post # 4
I don’t have any advice, but I totally feel you. My MIL added all sorts of people to the invite list that I’d never met… mostly people from her church. My parents paid for the wedding, and didn’t invite any of their friends b/c as they said “those are our friends, not yours. you need to have your friends at the wedding”, so I felt especially bad that they had to pay for all of my inlaws’ friends. Oh well, it’s over now.
Post # 5
I had this problem too. It’s all about the money and these extra people will kill the budget. We had a very strict rule about not inviting people who wouldn’t recognize us on the street in a foreign country.
Unfortunately, you can’t invite some of FFIL’s siblings, but not other ones. You can, however, draw the line at kids (even if they are grown).
Figure out how much the wedding is costing you per person. Include EVERYTHING such as alcohol, DJ, flowers, whatever. Give each set of parents a number (after you have decided who YOU want to invite). Let them know that beyond that number, they will have to pay for any further invitees. You will need the cash before you order the invites. Do NOT back down on the money. It is amazing how much less they like people when they have to pay $100+ a head for them. This tactic helped me tremendously!
Yes, this may take away from the smaller, more intimate wedding you wanted, but should still keep the peace.
If that doesn’t work, invite the people you want and tell them who you invited. There will probably be a fight, but it is YOUR wedding and you are paying for it.
Post # 6
@Georgia Bee: I definitely agree with you about taking clear, rational steps towards making your argument. It will be tough for FI’s parents to argue with the numbers if you lay them out on a cost per person basis. If you put it that way, and say “this is how many we can afford to invite,” I think that’s pretty difficult to dispute.
Would you be open to allowing them to invite additional people they want to if they were willing to pay for them?
Post # 7
I would just flat out tell them that you can afford for them to invite a certain amount of people, so they can’t go over that amount.
Post # 8
I totally feel you.
I think you just have to draw a line in the sand somewhere. We decided to invite only first cousins. No second cousins or third cousins or ex-step-aunts or whatever. We also didn’t invite children, simply becuase that would have meant we couldn’t invite a lot of adults. I think to be fair, you just draw a line at when “close family” ends, and then apply that to everybody’s family. If you happen to have a friendship relationship with your second cousin, though, then invite that person as a friend.
Post # 9
HAng in there! i know this feeling well! my Husband is one of 13 kids – his mom is one of 12 and his dad is one of 15 so you can imagine the number of aunts uncles cousins grandkids we had on our list. Im one of 5 kids, my mom is one of 5 kids so that just added to the number – we got super lucky in the fact that most of his family is wayyy up north – it was in the dead of winter and during the school year so we had a lot of people decline because of that – we also did the “no kids” rule hoping that would deter people from coming, we ended up with several kids at the wedding anyway but our number luckily dwindled because of that – not to mention his sister got married 6 months before and everyone had already traveled down here for that.
i personally would have your FI tell his mother, here is the number of people we can afford to have. split it in 2 – your side gets 50 and his side gets 50 – or if you know for a fact his family will have more people maybe give him 60 and you take 40? but you have to draw the line somewhere. we invited about 250 people and ended up with 120! not sure how we pulled that off but i was super happy.