Post # 1
I’m still new to this site so please bear with me.
I’ve already reserved my venue and was super excited to tell my family. When FI mom asked me how many people it fit I already knew what I was in for. I told her that it fits 400 people and I swear I saw a gleam in her eye! She looked ecstatic lol. Fi and I will be paying for the entire wedding and decided on just having close family and friends. FI told his mother numerous times that he just wants people there who know us and love us. Isn’t that the point of a wedding? Being surrounded by people who love you. Apparently she thinks it’s just a “free for all”. I dreaded asking her for a list of people but I had to because the only people who I know from his side are his sis and two cousins. Needless to say she brought quite a list.
The problem with her inviting so many people is they aren’t really his family. His mom remarried after his dad passed away and has been with FI stepdad for about 12 years. Yes, I know. He was pretty much raised by this man. But FFIL has sooo many siblings. And his siblings have grown kids. And their grown kids have kids!!! It’s like the list never ends!! I supposedly finished my list the other day and she texted me to be sure and add 3 more people. All of whom have husbands and kids. I honestly wouldn’t care to invite these people if I have ever SEEN them! She thinks it’s rude to invite one sibling but not the other two. I completely understand but why in the world would I invite someone who I’ve never seen?
We spend most of our time with my family. They’ve helped us through thick and thin. I’ve narrowed down my list to try and save money. I don’t want to hurt anybodys feelings but I think it’s unavoidable at one point or another when planning a wedding.
FI and I have argued a few times about this. He hasn’t seen many of these people in years. I know he’s just trying to please his mom (but that’s another story entirely hee hee:) I have to constantly tell him “Babe, this isn’t a family reunion for your mom. This is OUR wedding and I want people there who are going to celebrate with us. Not go and mingle with family and eat!”
So I would love some advice and how some of you would go about it. I honestly wouldn’t care to invite all of them if I had the money but frankly we don’t.
Thanks in advance! (Promise I’m not being a bridezilla, there are people in my family who I’m not inviting)
Post # 3
We told our parents that they could invite X amount of people. No more, there was no room at the venue and we didn’t want it to cost a fortune. That way they have to narrow down their guest list.
Post # 4
The venue fits 400 people? Who is paying for this?
And approximately how many additional people are you talking about that she wants to invite? Sometime it’s easier just to invite them to keep the peace…
Post # 5
You guys are paying for this. you need to tell her she can invite x amount of people, and no more. Your FI needs to stand by you on it, and put your foot down when she complains. SHE IS NOT PAYING, and the wedding is about you guys, not her
Post # 6
Thanks for the responses! Sorry I’m replying so late, I completely forgot that I had posted this.
I am paying for the majority of the wedding. Our venue fits over 400 people but we’ve decided to have our Ceremony and Reception there. This means we will split this gigantic room in half, one part for the Ceremony and one part for the Reception. I believe this cuts the capacity down to about 175 per section.
I think I’m just going to have a talk with them and explain again about the numbers. I now see that the best thing I can do it be consistent and firm. If I let one person slide, what’s going to stop her from trying to squeeze in 10 more people? If she still complains well tough luck to her!
Thanks for the advice ladies! I really appreciate it =)
Post # 7
You and you FH decide the list!
We had immediate family and close friends and that was that. FIL threw a fit about his 12 brothers & sisters (before spouses) not being invited & MIL well we didn’t even give her an option.
We told all of our parents right off that we made the guest list and that was that.
We had about 5 of DH cousins that were invited but only b/c I was friends with them too… actually know them from church and we were friends before I even knew they were all related.
Ultimately they’ll get over it. Don’t take their junk on as yours and just let them steam if that’s what they want to do.
This is a great time for you and your FH to begin your foundation of standing by each other and having loyalty to each other and really only to each other. Decided what works best for you two and then FH just needs to put his foot down to his family. It has to be him though… not you.. b/c you doing it will only be seen as you trying to control… FH doing it will be him taking a stand for what will now be his family and it ultimately will be more well received and respected.
Good Luck and have fun with your planning! =)
EDIT:::: Oh and NO Children… we invted 89 total. adding their kids would’ve put us at 120! eek!
Post # 8
I was given some great advice from a friend who with her FH paid for their entire wedding themselves. Their criteria for coming to the weddings was as follows:
- Had to of met the bride
- Had to of met the groom
- Had to of seen the bride/groom after the age of 21(she was 29 at the time)
This eliminated a TON of people and than she said her wedding was only with the people they were closest to.
Now if I could just follow that advice. My FI would only have 12 people on his side!
Post # 9
I think its good to give everyone a set number and just let them know it will be intimate.
Post # 10
you guys should come up with an actual number of how many guests you want. and then decide how many will be from his side and how many will be from your side. I really dont think you should have told her that the hall fits 400. If your number is 200 then tell her thans how many you can afford to seat and stick to that.
Post # 11
I agree with PP about giving FMIL a set number, and sticking to it. But first I think you need to get more details situated before you take on anyone else’s requests. YOUR guest list comes first since you’re paying for it… then others’ if there’s space. Also make it crystal clear if you’re allowing children, because if you welcome some, you have to welcome all of them.
Another piece of advice: there’s no need to ‘go over the numbers’ with your FMIL, or anyone for that matter. Tell them how many they get and leave it at that. Further explanation isn’t necessary and will only lead to the other person finding ‘holes’ in your logic and weaseling in other people.
Post # 12
I understand exactly what your going through same problem here. We made our list but FMIL said she needed to review it. Our venue only holds 150 people so I told her that that was the very max that we could invite. We have also told her that it is our wedding and we have veto power. We also explained that if she would like to pay for the wedding then she could invite whoever she liked. I haven’t seen her version of the list yet, but hopefully it won’t have too many additions. Also if your FMIL is anything like mine I suggest highlighting guests that are from your side of the family so that she doesn’t cross them out because she doesn’t know them. Mine already tried that. Now everything is highlighted!!