Post # 1
I have a friend that I don’t want to invite. Sorry this is long…
We used to be absolutely best friends years ago but about 3 years ago we had this enormous fall out. She and my 2 other so-called friends sat me down to tell me everything I had ever done wrong in my life. I totally believe that friends should be able to tell each other when they’re being idiots but this? This was not constructive or helpful. I spent days and days crying. This hurt me so much that even today when I think about what they said to me I well up. I could go into details but then I won’t stop.. lol
The other 2 friends and I no longer talk. I didn’t feel the need to keep those toxic friendships alive. However the other girl, the best friend for years, we still occasionally talk (although the last time we saw each other was almost a year ago now). Our parents are friends and have been friends for years. They will be invited to the wedding for sure.
I really don’t want to invite her but my mom keeps saying that I should because it would be awkward to not invite her but invite her parents. We can’t really not invite them either because they haven’t done anything. She hasn’t really either, I just don’t feel the need to invite her. I don’t really want her there because I don’t feel like I trust that what remains of our friendship is genuine.
I wanted to just send an invitation to “Smith Family” and hope that she doesn’t RSVP along with her parents. I know the right thing to do would be to send her her own invite but I guess I’m trying to invite her still but without outright saying I’m inviting her. Make sense?
And yes I know, our wedding is a year away but this is a frequent conversation with my mom.
Post # 3
do whatever you want. It would be an obvious slap in the face if you invite her parents and not her, but it may effect your parents’ relationship, but it’s your wedding, so do whatever will make you happy. And I’m talking big picture happy… will potentially hurting your parents be worth not inviting her in the long run?
I am inviting two people who I despise because one of their daughters is my niece and it’s more important to me to have her be a part of my day than to exclude them from it. It’s a long, werid, trashy story… but it’s the family I’ve got, and I’m dealing with it.
Post # 4
It boils down to this.
It’s YOUR wedding you invite who YOU want.
If anyone questions your decision, say that you want to use your (limited) guest list to surrond yourself with loving and supporting people to help you celebrate your love with your FH.
Post # 5
If you are on civil enough terms with the former best friend to be able to talk with her now and then, I don’t see the harm in her attending the wedding. Take it from me, I had a tiny 50 person wedding and I still barely managed to spend more than five minutes with any given person other than DH, the wedding party, and our parents; you will be far too busy to worry about her presence on the day itself if she does decide to come!
Addressing it to “Smith Family” would definitely be the best way to go about it. That way you’re not expressly inviting her, but not obviously excluding her either.
Post # 6
You just have to weigh it out.
I ended up inviting this girl who I’d had a HUGE fall out with. We’d gotten over the argument part of it, but I was definitely still not a fan of hers. But she’s SIL’s best friend and my in laws see her a lot so I said, “What the heck, I’ll invite her-no way she’ll say yes.”
When she asked SIL if she should come, SIL responded with, “Oh definitely, she wouldn’t have invited you if she didn’t want you there!” Now she’s in a ton of the pictures (she’s an attention loving person) and I had to talk to her and see her on my wedding day. Not to make a short story long, but she even brought the boyfriend (who was not invited) she had left one of our GM for shortly after he propsed. In the long run it’s not a huge deal, but I really wish I’d chosen not to invite her just for the sake of it.
Obviously not everyone’s like this, but I’d be weary of inviting someone hoping they’ll RSVP no. Just some perspective!
Post # 7
I agree with the two Previous. It is your day and you want to spend it with people who love and support you and not have those negative feelings. If you haven’t seen her in a while and you probably won’t I say don’t. Who cares if she gets pissy, she obvi didn’t care when she sat you down to be rude to you.
Do whatever makes YOU happy!
Post # 8
Your wedding you invite who YOU want… not who your parents want or think you should invite… or anyone else for that matter.
It’s a day that you are going to remember for the rest of your life… is she someone you want to be included in this memory?….
Post # 9
Thanks ladies. Lots of different perspectives on this to help me think this through.
While I am on speaking terms with her the idea of talking to her and seeing her still makes me feel anxious. @linguo42: I totally agree, I know we’ll be super busy with everything going on but I’m a bit worried that my friend will be like what June Bug mentioned below. She’s a bit of an attention whore…
One thing that’s making me lean towards inviting her as part of “Smith Family” is that she will literally not know anyone her age at my wedding. She will know many of our parents’ mutual friends but she doesn’t know any of the friends that FI and I are inviting. I’m hoping that I’m right in assuming that she won’t come just because of this!!
Thank you ladies
Post # 10
@Ms. Martian: You said “seeing her still makes me feel anxious.”
Do you want to risk these feelings on your wedding day? Listen to your heart and how she makes you feel to be in her presence. Your parents may disagree, but if they really get that she causes you anxiety, they may be more understanding (I hope).
* HUGS *
Post # 11
I second pink.sequins. It’s your wedding and you need to have those there with you that care for you the most.
Post # 12
@pink.sequins: Thank you. You’re right, I don’t want to feel that way on my wedding day.
I think my mom is slowly getting over it. We’ve been engaged for almost a month and I have yet to hear from the friend. Not that it matters but when people I haven’t spoken to in years have come out of the woodwork to wish us happiness then it hurts when someone you shared everything with for 13 years can’t even bother to send a text.
Thank you all for your kind words.
Post # 13
I have to agree with the PPs that are saying no. It’s YOUR wedding day, invite who YOU want to be there.
When I first met my mother’s boyfriend back in January, I didn’t like him. I got a very bad first impression. After getting home from vacation, I worried how I was going to tell my mom that I didn’t want to give her a PlusOne. (My sis/BM ended up doing it for me, lol)
Now that I’ve seen him again since and gotten a chance to get to know him, things may or may not change in the aspect of a plus one for my mom, but the point is: why invite someone you don’t want to be there? This isn’t a BYOB backyard BBQ pool party, it’s a wedding!
Post # 14
@Ms. Martian: Her silence has spoken volumes about how she feels about you. You certainly are under no obligation (parents or otherwise) to invite her to share this important and life changing day with you.
Now, I’m gonna go figure out how to listen to my own advice 🙂
Post # 15
Have you ever spoken to your friend about what happened? If not, doing so, might help push you one way or the other. She might feel badly about what happened and she might be too ashamed of her behavior to say anything to you. Talking to her might not necessarily be a good idea, but I’m just curious if you ever told her how painful what she did was, or if she ever expressed remorse. Is she still friends with the toxic twosome? If so, I would definitely keep my distance from her.
If you explicitly don’t invite her though, your friendship will likely be over. It doesn’t sound like that would be a big loss to you, but you may want to keep it in mind when you make your decision. And if you do invite her and she does come, I agree with some of the previous posters…you will hardly see her at the wedding. There isn’t even time to stop and talk with all of the people you want to spend time with but the attention whore thing could be an issue.
It sounds like the family invite is a good middle ground. Since you have a year to think about it, I would continue mulling things over and go with your gut when the time comes. Even though you are rarely in touch with her now, something could change between now and the wedding that makes you feel strongly about her one way or the other.
Post # 16
Thats a hard predicament.. You don’t want to upset your parents, but should you have to go through the annoyance of having to please someone else, ON YOUR DAY! Its your wedding, not your parents. Yes you have been friends for a long time, but people grow apart ya know… it’s just one of those things, and if she really truely cared, she would have been a first to congratulate you..
I’m kind of going through a similar thing, we had considered a date, but due to venues already being booked and all of that we had to change it to the next weekend, well my mom had mentioned to my grandma the first date, and my grandma comes up to me on easter and starts telling me a whole list of HER friends to invite, and then when i said something about the new OFFICIAL date, she had a fit “You just can’ go changing things like that and not letting people know, my friends are going to have to request off and make sure they don’t have other plans, and book the hotels” .. I’ve never been hateful or mean or rude to my grandma, but that sure did set me off. :-/