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Ouch, that's rough. I was in a similar situation. I don't get along with my boss. She and my co-worker are besties so they make things pretty rough sometimes. My wedding isn't a destination wedding but it is 3 hours away. I decided to invite them (after lots of debates and WB posts). Not because I wanted them there obviously, but because it seemed to be the lesser of 2 evils.
Now, with you having a smaller wedding, you might be able to use that to your advantage. If you're comfortable doing so, you can speak to her privately and tell her that you've decided to have a small, intimate wedding with only your family (even if that's not the case). However, if your friends/co-workers all take the time off to go, will your boss notice? Or is she not their boss too? If she'll notice, it's a done deal, you'll kinda have to invite her. And pray she won't come (unfortunately mine is coming, wth?).
I didn't invite my boss.
I have been losing respect for him for years now, if it's possible I have a negative amount of respect for him. He has p*ssed away money for years, and now we are all broke, we have been at 80% of our salary for 1.5 years now, with no positive outlook in sight.
I invited 8 people from my office, and not a single one of them would have wanted to be seated with him. Everyone loathes him right now.
So I didn't invite him. If he asks, I'll tell him that funds were short (yeah because of you Jack @ss) and we had to have a smaller wedding.
He hasn't said anything to me yet. We'll see if he does when I get back from my honeymoon.
I can relate to your situation. Here's my take (after much debate in my head and points brought up from other posts on this site):
I work in a small office (like 8 total) and I DO want some of my c/w'ers there. Because it's a small office I feel like it's all or none. So, even though I don't like my boss, she'll be invited because I don't think it's "fair" to invite everyone else (or even just one or two other people).
I realize that not everyone agrees with this, but it's how *I* feel. FI works in a much larger office (like 50+ people) so inviting just a few is much easier.
My boss isn't their boss, but there is no way she wouldn't know they weren't at my wedding. My office has about 15 people who work out of the NYC office. She will be pissed over the fact that one of my friends is a bridesmaid and the other 2 will be doing readings at the ceremony. She will come because she was talking about this trip she is taking to france next year which ends at the French Riviera where I'm having my wedding. She has no social skills and will just do things to try to humiliate me. Just to hint that she wasn't invited to the ceremony I told her FH and I would have a party in December for the people who can't come to the wedding, but she's slow and had her mind made up. isn't it totally rude to invite yourself to someone's wedding. Everytime I see her she keeps asking me questions and I just say oh we haven't decided to get her off my back.
She came to my father's funeral after harrassing me for the address and made snide comments afterwards because there were so many people in attendance. I just can't take it.
jennifer, I will pray that both of our bosses don't show up. I can totally sympathize with you because a few months ago she had her minion as well and they would both double team me.
I invited my immediate boss because I was friends with her, but I did not invite her boss (our GM). I didnt like and didnt want her at my wedding. My friend that got married 2 months later did the same thing as well. She never said anything to me but made comments to my boss that she was upset she wasnt invited and when my boss told her she didnt know why, she said something along the lines of "but I see her once a week!". Yeah didnt really care she wasnt there. I was in a unique situation because I worked for a company where I was at one location with certain people and others were across the street at a different location though we still interacted with each other. I ended up only inviting the people at my location to make it easier and draw a line somewhere.
@ San Diego, normally I would just do the right thing and just invite her as well as the rest of the office which I planned on doing initially, but after my dad's passing I just feel like I don't want to deal with her crap on my wedding day. Day to day is hard enough.
@Ella, I've been there. We were reduced to 50% for about 6 months from September of last year until about February. I was very resentful to them because the people who make the 6 figures suffered no cuts in their salaries. We were returned to full time status in March, but then you have to play catch up for a while. And like you it was their fault we were in that financial mess due to wasteful spending. I really don't like the idea of her being there just so she can gossip later on. She doesn't even like me!
@naange please don't make me start thinking about her boss who also feels that she has a right to be invited as well even though she works out of a separate office. I mean I never assume I'm ever invited to any event in a coworker's personal life.
Lol...I'm really getting a headache and my vertigo is acting up.
Just don't invite her. Ignore all her hints. If she talks about her trip just say "oh that sounds like you'll have a nice time" and leave it at that. If she has the gall to ask you directly why she wasn't invited (and sadly, she might) just tell her "oh, our guest list is only 40 people, the vast majority of whom are family." Don't let her make you feel guilty. Obviously if she has any sense she'll know that she's not so close to the two of you that she would make your top 40! You could even fudge it and say "only 30 or so" just to drive home the point. If she asks you before the invites go out, just lie through your teeth and say "I'm so sorry we aren't going to be able to invite you. The venue just won't hold more than 40 people, and we've had to cut so many people whom we would have love to be there! But I'm sure you understand what a tight position we're in <insert sad little smile like you're actually disappointed> " If she makes snide comments, just say "I'm sorry you feel that way" and walk away.
I'm sorry you're stuck dealing with her, but you can do this! If being around her makes you so upset now, think about how horrible it would be to have her around on your wedding day! Any amount of trouble she gives you before or after about not inviting her is worth it, imho, just to have that one day without her!
Are you really seriously considering inviting her because she's guilting/bullying you into it???
What kind of hints is she dropping?
If it's directly related to "making plans for your wedding" you need to clarify it for her BOLDLY.
Tell her that after the passing of your father, you've changed your entire wedding plan and are doing a DW with a very small group of people. And, while the bigger affair would have allowed you to invite more people, this will be only the people that you are intimately acquainted - and then follow it up with thanking her for her support (even if she didn't offer it!)
She will find out about your co-workers (likely) but it's not a point for discussion. And, technically, she can't give you hell (legally). She'll get over it - I promise.
Also, my condolences on the loss of your father.
Unless you really feel that not inviting her threatens your job in any way (which legally, it shouldn't), then absolutely DO NOT invite her! It is obvious that you are already upset at just the thought of her being there.
No, no, no! Don't do it. Definitely don't let her near your intimate wedding.
Talk to her! Just tell her what you told us... since the passing of your father you're keeping it as a small affair with only 40 of your closest family & friends. It's completely understandable. If she doesn't get it & she makes your life hell... perhaps its time to look for more work or file a complaint about her.
It's sicking that she thinks she's invited to someones wedding she doesn't like THAT'S IN FRANCE! I'm having a 200+ wedding in town, inviting two of my friends at the office, and still not inviting my boss who I hate, because seeing her face and hearing her voice makes me unhappy, and there's no room for unhappy on your wedding day. And someone will stick out alot more in a group of 40 than 200. You know you don't want her there, don't give in. If you really need an excuse, there are some good ones above, just don't let her spoil your day!
@greenleafmountain -- couldn't agree more!! Excellent advice. Dutch, whatever awkward, unsettling situations/conversations you'll have to go through to not invite the boss, it's worth it to not have her there at your very intimate, very special DW. She cannot be there. So sorry you have to deal with this!! Stay strong!
Do you hang out with her outside of work? If not, then don't invite her. I didn't invite my boss because he has no connection whatsoever with my life outside of work so why should he be at my wedding?
I'm not inviting my boss or the owners of my very small company - and I LIKE them. We simply do not have room on the guest list after family and very close friends.
I just don't really think you have to invite someone because you work with them. Just tell her you're only having family (she won't know if she's not invitied). It would be different if you invited your whole office and excluded one person. I'm inviting ONE co-worker and several former co-workers.
People who fish for invites are rude.
It is the most important day of your life...do not invite her! Express that it is a very intimate affair, if she even asks. I love all of my co-workers but we aren't close enough for me to invite to my wedding. My rule is - if I hang out with them outside of work more than 3 times and we really enjoy each other's company...then perhaps I will send them an invite.
Ladies thank you soooooo much! Thank you for the supprt I really feel stronger now. I took the day off from work yesterday just so I could relax and not feel so stressed over this situation. Legally it would be wrong for her to behave in this manner, but my boss ( as well as some other superiors) get away with bullying other ppl at my office. In order to survive I see coworkers do things they don't want so they aren't bullied. My work environment is not the most ideal and like violetbride stated I too cannot stand the sight of her or listen to her voice. I cringe when I see her and have to give myself a pep talk before every meeting with her. I loathe her and she hates me, but tries hard to be my "friend" so she can gossip about me as if I'm an idiot and can't tell the difference. She even said to me once that she doesn't like interracial relationships! I'm mixed and my FH is Dutch so does she even think I would take offense to a comment like that? No! Not her.
I'm going to stand my ground and not invite her. My dad isn't here to see me get married so why should she! I'm making an exit plan anyway. So that by the time I come back from the wedding I won't even be there. I have a year left in my nursing program and will complete that so I can just quit before the wedding. I will just have to take the abuse for the next few months as she slowly begins to realize that she isnt invited.
As a side note, when I told her my wedding was moved to France she said oh well you can have a party after you come back for the people who couldn't go. This is who she is feeling that she has a right to tell me how to run my life and my private affairs!
Oh GOOD!! I'm so happy to hear that! Especially that you can quit that horribly toxic work environment before your wedding and start a brand new positive direction in your life when you come back! That's so great. This woman sounds like just a terrible person (the racist comment?! SERIOUSLY!? That's harrassment, IMO) and I am glad you won't have to deal with her for longer than the next year as you finish your schooling. You deserve so much more than that crap. Best of luck to you!! :)
I don't get it...that just sounds so weird. I have never heard that it is proper etiquette to invite your boss. That's just strange. I see an exception if you're like best friends or something, but I don't think that's very likely.
It's a wedding..its supposed to be spent with company you want, it shouldn't be about obligation.
You did good!
I am inviting my boss to save myself stress, but also because I would really feel bad if I didn't being that he basically lets me PLAN my wedding in his office LOL
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So my fiance and I are having a small intimate wedding in the French Riviera next year with no more than 40 people. This is how I always envisioned my wedding. Prior to this I was planning a big 200 guest NYC wedding, but after the passing of my father in March I decided to go this route because the first one was really to please my parents. I hadn't sent out any invitations or anything yet as I was engaged only a month after he died.
Fast forward to now. I don't like my boss. She is a controlling insecure woman who is quite jealous of me and does what she can to try to make my life miserable. She tends to give advice that isnt solicited and just wants to come to be nosy. With 200 people in attendance I figured I could just ignore her because my parents were making me invite her. Proper etiquette as they say. But now that its a very intimate affair I really don't want her there. I have 3 coworkers that are like sisters that I'm inviting, but we've been discrete about the whole thing. My boss is dropping hints of plans she is making for next year and is assuming that she is invited. I really don't know what to do because if she finds out that not only did I not invite her, but I also invited my coworkers my life at work will be a deeper hell than it already is. Any advice would be helpful because I've been having dizzy spells all day.