(Closed) Do I have to invite my bridesmaids boyfriend?

posted 9 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
Member
1514 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

Honestly, I’d stick to my guns.  I wouldn’t make an exception for her.  Maybe say he can come after the ceremony and dinner (can come for the dancing, etc.), but after all the other people were trimmed and the other BM isn’t allowed to have her boyfriend (maybe make the same offer to her – he can come for the party portion) I would have to say the sister’s boyfriend needs to not come. 

Post # 4
Member
1205 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2009

Usual etiquette is that you’ll make an exception for your wedding party to bring a date.

I personally don’t agree because you’re counting on your wedding party to do other things, not keep their guests company. 

Post # 5
Member
1276 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

Hmmm…I think sometimes it’s not a big deal to have different rules about guests for the BP.  And so I’m not sure the issue of fairness applies.

FI’s sister is being bratty, though.  I’m assuming she’s younger?  Not sure what to say.  I think weddings can be difficult for younger siblings b/c they feel they are not getting any attention.  Esp. if there is any history of sibling rivalry.  If FI’s okay with it, I might just let her bring him.  Since she’s your FSIL, I imagine you don’t expect her to be taking care of you a lot or anything…and maybe keeping the peace with FI’s family members is worth it.

Post # 6
Member
157 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

Hmm…maybe it’s just me, but if I were in the bridal party I would assume it was understood that I could bring a guest. I totally understand your budget concerns and want you to know that I sympathize! Having been on both sides, though, as a BM you typically pay for your dress, your hair, spend time helping the bride with various things, setting up a shower and bachelorette, traveling, etc. To that extent I might expect that an exception be made in the case of bringing a date.

Post # 7
Member
278 posts
Helper bee

I think it’s a usual trend where the bride and groom allow their BP to bring their date.  Honestly, I’d be offended if I couldn’t bring a date and I’m a BM.  But I guess it depends on the situation too.  A lot of times, the bm doesn’t know a lot of people at the wedding and it can be a bit awkward especially at the slow dances and stuff – who will they dance with?

I don’t see anything wrong with you sticking to your guns too, it IS your wedding and your BM should respect your decision.

Post # 8
Member
495 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2009

I made it so no +1’s unless they’d been dating for a year but my BM’s were exempt from that rule (as were GM’s)…but I don’t knwo if that’s necessarily ‘etiquette’ or just my own thing!

Post # 9
Member
2470 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

We are planning to "enstate" a similar blanket rule.. however I don’t think its fair to the bridal party and especially to SIBLINGS to say no to a date. But that is just my personal opinion. You can stick to your guns, but keep in mind that because she is a relative and in the bridal party, I don’t think any guests will be miffed by it.

Post # 10
Member
2820 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2013

The thing about etiquette is there’s no "hard and fast" rule. Some people allow +1s for their bridal party even if they don’t for their guests, some don’t. The good side of this is that if you do allow it, and people ask why your BM has a guest, you can explain that you made an exception for the bridal party (assuming that you let the other BMs & GMs know!).

Personally, if my BM were to bring a +1 when she was specifically told he couldn’t come to the wedding (she wouldn’t, bless her heart, but that’s beside the point because this is hypothetical), I would straight-out tell her that either she could pay for him to come to the wedding, or he would have to find something to do the night of the rehearsal dinner. *shrugs* The thing is, YOU TOLD HER that she couldn’t bring a +1, and SHE DID ANYWAYS. The onus is on her, not on you.

Post # 11
Member
6010 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2009

I would normally say stand firm, but since this is your FSIL, I might bend a little.  Does everyone else in her family think she’s being a brat?  Or do they listen to her complaints and think you are being the jerk?  Even though it’s her fault for putting you in this position, if the rest of her family sympathizes with her, I would probably give in.  I’d hate for my husband’s family to think I was being a "bridezilla," especially over something that is not my fault at all.  On the other hand, if they are used to her being bratty and sympathize with you, keep telling her "no" until she gets it through her thick skull!  πŸ™‚

Post # 12
Member
256 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

My fiance and I decided the same rule for our wedding however the only people we are extending a guest to regardless of current relationship status is our bridal party. We did that because (and this is just our opinion) the bridal party has already done so much for you at that point (or should have anyway) that we see it as a nice gesture.

However, I understand your reasoning for not inviting him and I don’t blame you for being upset simply because your FSIL completely disregarded your wishes by bringing the boyfriend and making the situation terribly awkward. If that’s the decision you and your FI made than she should have respected it. Normally at this point I would say stick to your guns but where this is (future) family I might suck it up and make the exception. Why start your marriage off with bad blood? What do your in-laws have to say about it? Even though I would let her bring the BF I would still let her know that although he can come, her behavior was unacceptable.

Post # 14
Member
350 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2009

It’s typical to bend the rules for members of the wedding party, but it’s not wrong or rude to apply the same rules to everyone. Furthermore, your FSIL is being pretty manipulative about this — her BF’s two-week visit *had* to start on the weekend of your wedding?  Riiiight.

How does your FI’s family feel about this?  If it were my family, my mother would be PO’d that I was being so bratty and manipulative, and would tell me in no uncertain terms that it wasn’t going to work and my boyfriend needed to find something else to do.  Maybe your FI’s parents can intercede on your behalf.  But if they’re inclined to give in to her, I’m with Mrs. Spring — it’s probably not worth a battle with your FI’s entire family if you’re the only one willing to stick to your guns.

Post # 15
Member
1276 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

Hmmm…well FI’s wishes change things.  I guess I would say, stay out of it and let FI deal with it as much as possible.  If you’re worried about other guests’ feeling if you bend, don’t.  It’s a BP and family member.  But it sounds like he’s the one who’s really putting his foot down.  Let them work out their sibling dynamic.  My sister and I can clash on things.  My FI def. has opinions but he *stays out* for his own sake πŸ™‚  I say, do the same.  There’s no good outcome for you that will come from you worrying about/dealing with this.

Post # 16
Member
6010 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2009

I agree with fizicsgirl.

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