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I don't think you're terrible for not wanting to invite him, but I think you kinda have to invite him. Unless of course, your sisiter would be totally fine with it and it wouldn't cause any drama if you don't invite him. But I'm guessing she is with him for a reason, and she would be upset if you didn't invite him.
Ugh that SUCKS but I'm gonna say you don't really have a choice if you're inviting other people with dates. And she is your sister, which makes it even more obvious that it's personal if you don't invite him.
I can totally understand why you wouldn't want to invite him but would your sister still attend if you didn't? You run the risk of offending your sister and causing a rift in your relationship. If it were me, I'd just invite him and hope for the best.
I'm in a similar situation with my uncle and his emotionally abusive spouse. I really do not want to include her in this important day in my life but I value my relationship with my uncle.
No, you don't have to invite him.
Will there be a ton of drama if you don't? Yes, there will be. That is the decision you must make. How much drama am I willing to take to have him not be there?
This is one of those things that I think you can put your foot down on if you emotionally steel yourself and have a plan. You have to expect people to be mad or upset. You cannot get mad at them for being mad or upset. You must explain yourself logically, but acknowledge that this is hard on other people. And then you have to not budge.
You also have to let your parents, siblings, and sister herself know before the invitations go out. Springing this as a surprise is not acceptable.
Finally, I may be totally wrong on this, but Iwould seriously consider telling this guy yourself, IF it will at all spare your sister. My biggest concern in not inviting him in not Emily Post (I doubt she has a section for abusive addicts who date your sister). My biggest concern is that your sister will suffer at home for your decision. While doing all of the things above (stand firm, take the heat, acknowledge people's feelings, etc.) is totally necessary, you should also do everything you can not to add extra trouble for your sister. You can't totally protect her, she has made a kind of choice to be abused, you can do things to avoid bringing her more hurt.
Good luck and keep us posted.
How close are you and your sister? I'm very close with mine, so I know what I would do if I were in your situation...I'd talk with my sister. I would be honest with her that he doesn't normally do well in these type of situations so that you'd considered not inviting him, but that you'd rather not make her uncomfortable either way. Then let her make the decision. If he's as bad as you say, she's probably aware of it, it may even embarrass her too! She may be able to not include him by coming up with an excuse for you, but I'd let that be her decision, not yours. You don't want to draw any lines in the sand in regards to your relationship with your sister, as things like this can hurt for a lifetime if not handled correctly.
The only other suggestion that I have is that you may want to be careful where you place them, if you're doing a seating arrangement or something...I'd put him around other guests that may be more understanding of his actions & words...and I'd put lots of distance between myself and him on my special day...
Best of luck! And let us know how you handle it!
If you want to avoid drama with your sister, then you pretty much have to invite him.
I'm sorry that you have to deal with that. But, I think you kind of have to invite him. You can't tell your other siblings that they can bring a date, but tell her she can't. I wouldn't "invite" him, but you have to put on her invite that she has the option of a guest. Also, what would your sister have to go through if you invited only her, and say she came without him? Would he be horrible to her when she came back? Or leading up to it? Would it make their relationship even worse?
You don't have to invite him - but I'd be prepared for a mess of family drama if you don't. That includes your own sister boycotting your wedding.
Trust me, it's better if you bite the bullet and do it, rather than put up with the drama from not inviting him. :(
I think you already know the answer to this question, unfortunately... you're pretty much stuck, unless you want to piss off your whole family royally (they will probably side with her, even if nobody likes him, because that's just how weddings go!).
I dont think you have to...just hear me out. My FIs uncle's wife (so technically his aunt by marriage) will NOT be invited to our wedding. Reason being that she is emotionally abusive and has stolen money from FIs grandparents by forging their signatures on checks, etc. She is not invited to my wedding but he is even though all other aunts/uncles are invited with their spouses. You should have a conversation with your sister before making a judgment call, but in the end it is your decision and you will have to live with the consequences!
Your not terrible for wanting to exclude him, but it's poor family politics. Your sister is a big girl who makes horrible decisions (obviously), but your wedding is not the place to show your dislike for her poor choices. You & your family should have expressed your feelings before 6yrs and stopped including him (and in turn her) at other things by now. You pretty much have to invite him, unless you want your sister to not come (and be very angry with you for a very long time) or to have him crash.
this is your day and if the thought of him being there just makes you sick then do not invite them. i understand wanting to please everyone but at the end of the you have to be happy with how it went. you're going to have these memories for the rest of your life and why add the extra tension and stress of having him there?
i just wanted to add to my previous statement. its YOUR wedding....you are NOT REQUIRED nor do you have to invite anyone!! im not trying to make any of the previous posters on here mad or anything like that but thats how i feel. its YOUR WEDDING NOT ANYONE ELSES so why should you invite this guy if you DO NOT want him there. call me bridezilla or whatever else you want but i feel that when it comes to your wedding day, its yourself and your FI that have to be happy with the day and the how it turns out. not your sister, not your sisters bf, not your friends, not even your parents. its YOUR day and honestly if they dont like that, then well screw em!
To avoid conflict with sis like the other girls said, you got to stick it out and invite him. You will be so busy anyways all day you wont even notice he's there. I cant stand my sister's husband either nor my sister and I still have to invite them. I have more important things to worry about then ignorant people, sorry
If friends are allowed to bring a guest, and most of the major issues with the BF are in the past, you really need to let her bring him. I think weddings are about bringing families together ( I am not a big proponet of the YOUR day mentality though!)- do you want your sister to be upset and resentful on your wedding day? I doubt this guy will bother you much, you will be having one of the most amazing days of your life. And not inviting him to the wedding won't stop your sister from seeing him, which IMHO, is what is more important.
Thanks so much for all the input, everyone. I still don't know what I'm going to do. I know that my sister would not refuse to come if I don't invite him, that just isn't something that would happen given the dynamics. So that is not a concern. The rest of my family would not be mad, either, since these issues are no secret and everyone feels the same way about him.
There is one other issue: my sister's son, who I would REALLY like to be present at the wedding, will not be able to attend if my sister's boyfriend is present (it's part of the court order). I hadn't thought of this angle, so maybe I can use this as part of my leverage for not inviting him.
Given this, do you think it would go over more smoothly if I tell her that he's not invited? Or is that still really awful?
The only way to get out of inviting her BF is if she agrees he shouldn't come. So it totally depends on your relationship with her and her general understanding of your feelings towards him.
My sister had a BM with a very physically and emotionally abusive husband who was in and out of jail several times. Once she asked the BM to be a BM she pretty much told her that the husband would not be invited to the wedding. BM totally understood and it wasn't an issue.
Your nephew gives you the perfect excuse!! You want FAMILY to be there - and the court order says that the boyfriend cant be. If I were you, Thats exactly what I would do.
It's not required, but even if you don't want to, it's rude not to. They've been together 6 years, and you'd probably have less drama if you do it. If you can deal with drama, then don't.
ETA: USE THE COURT ANGLE! = D
totally agree with mdarrah... point out that you want her son there, and that means that her bf can't be there... tell her that you hope he'll understand, but that family comes first to you and that means your lovely nephew.
The nephew is the perfect excuse and I would take it and not back down for anyone. I'd also discuss it with your sister - she may need to prepare for some drama with her partner if he's not invited. We didn't invite DH's cousin's partner, she is incredibly abusive and basically insane, has made life very difficult for his whole family and his mother refuses to have her in their family home. The partner wouldn't let him stay overnight at the wedding (it was 2 hours from their house), instead preferring that he drive back DRUNK because she was so upset that she will never be accepted by his family (um, maybe because you're crazy?) So your sister might need to be prepared to deal with the potential fall out. Good luck - it would break my heart to see my sister in a relationship like this so I really hope you get through this ok!
this is how i look at it.. it's YOUR day. this day is 100% about you and your fiance. it's about joy and laughter and love. it's about starting YOUR life together. if he's going to inhibit your happiness don't invite him. you need to do what will make you the happiest/least stresed on your big day. your sister will get over it.
I think you do have to invite him, especially if they've been together that long. It sucks though, I feel for you. Fingers crossed that your sister will dump him before then or ask him not to come considering the situation. Good Luck!
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Even though no other siblings will have dates?
Ladies, I really need help with this one!
I friggin hate my sister's boyfriend of six years, with whom she lives. I usually like & get along with everyone. But THIS is a different story. We're talking a history of physical abuse, emotional abuse, alcohol addiction, drug addiction. It has gotten a lot better over the last couple years, because they are both sober now, but I still have really negative feelings toward him. I truly can't help it! He hurt my sister so much, and I just hate him.
Most of the serious issues are in the past except for the emotional abuse. Which is a big deal! But aside from that, which is generally behind closed doors, he is REALLY annoying at family get-togethers. (We are in the habit of including him for my sister's sake). He dominates conversation by talking about himself loudly & incessantly, he brings up inappropriate topics (even at the dinner table!) and he's rude in a host of other ways. And... did I mention... I just hate the site of him, being around him, etc.
So, do I have to invite him to the wedding? It makes me sick to think of him sitting with the guests, witnessing our vows. We're inviting friends with a guest, but planned only to let siblings bring a guest if they're in a relationship -- and she's the only one who is. So she'd be the only sibling with a guest... would it work to invite friends with guests, but not let siblings??
So what do you think, ladies? Can I get away with not inviting him? Am I terrible for considering it?