Post # 1
Here’s the story:
My aunt threw a shower for me last week. She called me to ask what day would work, then sent an evite out with the details about time, location, etc. to everyone. She included two family members who weren’t on our invite list. She doesn’t know that they weren’t on our list, and I don’t plan on telling her.
One family member (we’ll call her Anne) attended my shower but the other didn’t (we’ll call her Mary). Anne brought us a gift, which was very nice. We haven’t heard from Mary.
A few days later, my mother hosted a baby shower for my sister. Anne was invited but Mary wasn’t. Anne called my mother the day of the shower and told her to invite Mary, that it was rude not to. My mother brushed it off. Both Anne and Mary are angry about how that played out. They both feel like Mary should have been invited.
Mary has been invited to both my sisters’ bridal showers, their weddings, and to two baby showers, and she’s never attended even though she lives in the same town. Honestly, I am a bit surprised that she is mad that she wasn’t invited to my sister’s shower. I mean, it’s been 6+ years of her declining invites.
We weren’t planning on inviting Anne or Mary to the wedding. Should we now? Both? Just one? Who? Both of them have seen the save-the-date magnet on my parents’ fridge. Just looking for some advice.
Post # 3
That’s a tough one. Ettiquette says if a guest is invited to the shower, they ought be invited to the wedding. Barring issues with venue limitations, I would say it’s rude not to invite Anne. In general, I think that if you invite one “tier” of family members, you should invite everyone. So inviting one aunt means inviting all aunts and uncles. Otherwise it just seems divisive no matter how much you don’t see, speak to, or like your other aunts and uncles.
Post # 4
you shouldnt invite anyone that you do not want to
Post # 5
I think if they were invited to the shower, they need to be invited to the wedding.
Post # 6
It’s only two people…. just invite them, no dates, Mary probably won;t show up and it seems like Anne isn’t so bad.
Post # 7
My fiance is saying to just invite them. Mary is married, so we’d invite her husband too (but neither will come). Anne is single and new to the area, so she’ll probably come alone anyway. We’d also add in Anne’s parents (Anne’s mother is Mary’s sister) but they probably won’t come either, since they’re in Florida. Total it would be 5 extra guests, 3 extra invitations, all to keep peace in the family. I’m guessing that at least Anne knows that she wasn’t going to be invited, b/c of the STD magnet. Oh, well.
Like MightySapphire said, we did try to keep our guest list to first cousins and aunts/uncles. Anne is my mom’s cousin, and Mary is my mom’s aunt. I am hoping we’re not opening up a can of worms (if my dad’s cousins find out, or if my fiance’s family is upset they can’t invite more people).
We don’t really have any space restriction at our reception site, but the church is VERY small. I think it might hold 85 people. We wanted to invite 100 guests. Adding in 5 more brings our total to 127. Yikes!
I wanted to try to keep my post neutral, but I’ll say it here. I don’t care for Anne one bit. This is why she wasn’t invited in the first place. She treats people, especially my mother, like crap until she needs something. I am hoping she’ll decline. I am still very upset that my aunt invited her to the shower without asking me for a guest list first.
Thanks for the help though. As much as I don’t want to, I’ll add them all to the ever-growing list. :-/
Post # 8
I think if they got an invitation to the shower, they should get one to the wedding.
Post # 9
Etiquitte says yes they need to be invited. However if money is an issue then I would hope they would understand. Times are tough and two more people could mean a lot more money for food, favors, chairs, etc. And one more thing, it is your day. If you think their presence will in anyway put a damper on your spirit then don’t invite them. But be prepared for the consequences of falling outs and other family members wanting to voice their opinion about your decision.
Post # 10
if you do not want to invite them, don’t period. it s really not that big of a deal
Post # 11
Traditional ettiquette says that people who are invited to the shower should be invited to the wedding. Although, I think that IME, the bride provides the invitation list to the shower hostess, so that way people who are not invited to the wedding will not be included.
FWIW, just because they’ve seen the StD magnet, doesn’t mean you have to invite them. My MIL told pretty much everyone she’d ever met what our wedding date was, but it didn’t meant that we had to invite them. Why weren’t these two on your original list? I’d say if it’s just two more people and you can invite them without too many problems, maybe I’d do it. If it would open a whole group of people, say if they are your parents cousins and by inviting them, you would have to invite ALL the cousins, then maybe you can get away with not inviting them. Against my wishes, my MIL invited a bunch of people to the shower that she threw for me and I did not cave and invite them to the wedding. It was awkward, but I didn’t want to change our list (invitations had already gone out) because she was being difficult. You CAN do it, but it’s traditionally right and I’ll admit, it does feel weird to have people give you a shower gift and then NOT invite them.
Post # 12
i think i’m confused. did your aunt go over the invite list with you? if so, and you did not tell her these two were not on your own list for wedding invites (and therefore should not have been invited to the shower), then i think ettiquette dictates that you invite them to your wedding. unless it is a work shower, then you should not invite anyone to a shower whom you do not plan to invite to a wedding because it’s rude and is perceived as gift-grabbing. would you like to be invited to a shower, but not to the wedding? regardless of whether or not you did not want your aunt to know who was on your invite list, you should have either a. had the courtesy to tell her anyway, since she was throwing the shower or b. politely declined her generosity for throwing the shower, so that you would not have to tell her who was included in your invite list. .
Post # 13
i think you should invite both.
if mary always declines, you don’t have to really worry about her, and anne should probably be invited since she attended the shower, even though you hadn’t originally intended to do so. you can’t undo your aunt’s faux pas, so instead of making it worse, just invite them and be done with it.
i think it’s better in this situation to invite both of them and eliminate the problem instead of creating what it sounds like will make an even more awkward social situation. it’s unfortunate for you, but i think it’s just one of those crummy things that happens sometimes.
ps – i think it’s really weird mary is so mad if she never comes! what kind of sense does that make!? maybe she just really likes buying gifts for people???? 🙂