Post # 1
I have been friends with a girl since high school. We were inseperable back in the day, still live close together and stay in touch. If I called her at 2 am from jail she would come bail me out, no question about it. But while bailing me out she would judge me and tell me all about how what I did was wrong.
So my issue is do I have to ask this person who is going to judge everything I do to be a bridesmaid. I know she expects to be, there is not a question in her mind that she will get one of my very cute “will you be my bridesmaid” cards.
Next question- would it be better to ask her to take on a more administrative role? She can be the person who goes to the reception site before hand to make sure everything is the way it should be and keeps everyone where they need to be. Or is that more of just a slap in the face?
I have been trying to figure this out for weeks now and need help/advice!
Post # 3
I like your idea of putting her in an adminstrative role! That way she is still included but you don’t have her breathing down YOUR neck but everyone else’s ha. Just tell her (if its true) that there is no one you trust more than her to make sure the day of is just right as far as the venue and stuff.
Post # 4
The other girls you’re going to ask to be bridesmaids, are they friends or family? Do all the girls know each other/are they close too?
Post # 5
Its your wedding and you should pick whoever you want for your bridal party. If I were her I would totally take it as a slap in the face though.
Post # 6
Other bridesmaids are my sister, my best friend, and two other friends (well at least one of them, if I have her I have to pick one of the two). I have been friends with the last 2 for far less time than her, but they are more supportive of any idea I have.
I really do trust that she would have everything as it needed to be and could handle any hiccups that might happen along the way well I am busy.
Post # 7
i would be honest with her. i’d say to her, you are one of my oldest friends and i really want you to be a part of our special day but i have some concerns…then tell her what you told us in the same thoughtful manner as u did on the boards. i would let her know that i want her as a bridesmaid but she has to tone down the judgmental stuff.
i have learned that sometimes people do not realize that their behavior has a negative effect on others unless they are told. if she is really ur friend she will respect what u have said to her and be by ur side to wish u well!
Post # 8
I don’t know about giving people jobs for the wedding if they don’t even get to be part of your bridal party. If someone asked me to do stuff like that and I wasn’t included in the bridal party I would be like yeah right!
If she is super judgmental person I do understand why you wouldn’t want her to be involved. People like that make me crazy.
Post # 9
Oh, she knows just how judgmental she is, jokes about it even. She has a way of insulting people in subtle undertones that they do not even realize half the time.
I have learned to ignore it and don’t even notice most of the time now, but the other Bridesmaid or Best Man can’t really stand her (can we say potential fist fight at rehearsal dinner)- they catch the subtle b*tichy undertones and don’t like it.
I know how much she expects to be in the wedding but I also don’t want to worry about what she thinks as opposed to what I want when I have perfectly supportive friends willing to fill the role.
Post # 10
Why not pick her as a Bridesmaid or Best Man and just not share any details with her? I would definitely not give her a leadership role, since the other BMs don’t like her. I would give the leadership role to someone very supportive and who gets along with everyone. If you feel that she would create more drama not being in the wedding party than being in the wedding party, then I guess invite her. But I would just call her out EVERY TIME she says something judgy or nasty. I mean EVERY TIME. You say “I have decided on tulips.” (Because you only tell her details AFTER you have made up your mind!) And she says something like “Tulips are ugly and cheap.” You can reply “I don’t appreciate you saying that, and I’d appreciate if you keep your thoughts to yourself from now on.” She’ll get tired of hearing that and your BMs will appreciate you saying something to her.
Post # 11
I think its kind of strange to have her in an administrative role without having her in the bridal party…I think she will take it as a slap in the face…can you have her as a bridesmaid and tell her that she is responsible for the administrative stuff? but if you dont feel comfortable with her I would just not have her in the bridal party at all…
Post # 12
Part of the thing is that we are looking at a venue that does not normally do weddings, so I really would like for someone to be there early to make sure everything is in order, and the bridal party will be off doing pictures and whatnot. I really need someone who is not in the bridal party to be in charge of those things, and an actual wedding planner is not in the game plan.
Post # 13
I think it will all depend on the delivery and how you sell it. If you make it sound like a really important job that perhaps only she can pull off then you will be stroking her ego and complimenting. she may be perfect for the role taking charge and not taking any slack from vendors etc. I would get her a present like you would get the other BM’s and mention her in speeches if you mention the other girls. Single her out and sell it!
Post # 14
I had a group of girlfriends who weren’t BMs but who helped out ALOT both during the engagement and the wedding (set up the reception tables etc). I called them my planning committee, bought them all personalised t shrits to wear on the day, and got teary when I thanked them in my speech. I don’t think any of them were annoyed to be doing those jobs when they weren’t in the bridal party. It is possible to put people in that role and it’s not a slap in the face, but I think it depends on how close you are and who is in the bridal party (I just had sisters, a cousin and my male BFF). If your friend knows she does this and even jokes about it and the rest of you ignore it, then letting her know this is the reason she isn’t your Bridesmaid or Best Man might be a wake up call to her that her attitude and behaviour have consequences and she might want to re-think how she treats her friends.
Post # 15
Pick whomever is closest to you at this moment in your life who is supportive of you and your relationship. If you aren’t close anymore even though you were when you were younger, just invite her as a guest. It takes the pressure off both of you.
No idea what you mean by administrative role, but stuff like the guestbook takes care of itself and is not an honor for anyone. The caterers take care of serving the food and drink. Even when those roles are given to teens, no one wants to do them so an adult certainly will not. Allow her to be a guest which is much more of an honor than any ‘duties’ that may be performed by a non-bridesmaid, especially someone you are not close to at all at this point in your life.
Post # 16
Since you have reservations, you probably shouldn’t pick her regardless of how helpful she might be. Do you have to pick your BMs right away? If not you could see what her attitude is towards your wedding choices are (if she asks you point blank, just say you haven’t thought about it yet).