Post # 1
So my older sister and I have always had a wishy washy relationship. She struggled with alcoholism and talking to her was always really difficult as she would only talk about herself. She had been sober for about a year (no alchohol or weed) and our relationship had immensely improved. We went from speaking a few times a year to almost weekly right before I got engaged. Soon after I got engaged she started smoking weed again which I personally wouldn’t think it would cause such a behavior change – but it did. Now everytime I talk to her – she doesn’t make sense and she only wants to talk about herself and weed. Her involvement in the wedding has been non existent – she hasn’t gotten her bridesmaid dress yet, she isnt attending my shower, and she said she wasn’t planning on going to any bachelorette party. Ok fine. Hurtful – but fine.
She’ll have to do some traveling for the wedding so she asked if she could bring one of her girl friends. I don’t have a problem with that at all – but on the day of I want her to be in the moment with me and I don’t want her friend ( who Ive never met) there with us getting ready. Im worried about telling her her friend cant be in the room with us bc for my other sisters wedding she through a hissy fit when she was told she couldn’t wear her hair a certain way and ruined my sisters getting ready experience. What do I tell her about her friend? How do I approach this without having a melt down on the day of?
Post # 2
I would make it clear from the start that she is welcome to bring a friend to hang out with during the reception but only the bridal party will be present during all the pre-wedding stuff. And, personally, I’d give her the option not to get ready with all of you. So I’d say something along the lines of:
“You are absolutly welcome to bring a friend to travel with and hang out with during the reception. However, I am really only comfortable with having the wedding party and the moms present while we are getting ready the morning of. If you don’t want to get ready with us that’s fine, just make sure you meet us at X times for pictures, but you can’t bring your friend with us if you want to get ready with everyone else. She can just meet you at the wedding later in the day.”
And I’d start setting low expectations in your mind now. She can only ruin what you allow her to ruin.
Post # 3
BostonBride0917 : “you’re welcome to bring Sally to the wedding, but are you sure she’s going to want to come since she’ll be alone most of the day? the bridesmaids will all be getting ready together with me, and then we’ll be doing photos for several hours, so it seems like a bummer that you won’t even hang out with her until the reception. but if she’s fine with that, then feel free to invite her (:”
Post # 4
Is it certain that this friend is just a friend? Any possibility that it’s a) a girlfriend or b) a sponsor? Weddings can be really hard on recovering alcoholics, so maybe she’d like someone there to help stave off temptation?
Post # 5
abwcmo : ^ that’s what I was thinking
With people who are very reactive, I tend to be a bit of a pushover. I have family members like this and I know how much an outburst can ruin a good experience.
If it were me, I would probably call my sister beforehand and be super super nice- I’d say the friend is welcome to come, even to get ready, and that I hope her friend doesn’t mind not being in photos.
Obv I know that the friend is not welcome in photos, but I think people are more reasonable when they feel like they are doing a favor– Plus, there are probably going to be strangers from the venue/caterer/hair & makeup anyway… One more person really won’t change much. Especially if it means saving you a headache.
I would also clear all hair/makeup/dress details with sister beforehand. I would probably go over a timeline for the getting ready portion as well.
Finally, I would probably assign either a family member, friend or one of my parents to keep an eye on my sister/help to accommodate her.
I know that’s a lot to have to do on your wedding day, but like I said, I’m really sensitive to my family’s emotions behavior and I like being prepared. Even if you do what’s reasonable, you can’t guarantee that your sister will be reasonable. Save yourself the stress.
Post # 6
BostonBride0917 : exactly what catskillsinjune : said. THEN, when your sister replies “oh, but Sally can just hang out too, she won’t mind.” You reply, “No, I’m sorry, the getting ready and photos are for wedding party only. Sally is welcome to arrive at (state the venue name) 4pm.” (or whatever you are ok with her arriving to the venue)
Stand firm bee. Repeat as needed. And just know, this may mean your sister will not attend or “forget” to attend…. either way… you tried. This is immature of your sister.
abwcmo : Seeing as her sister is back to smoking weed and again distant, it may be that this person is actually pushing the temptation.
Either way OP, even as a sponsor or girlfriend – she can arrive at the reception and wouldn’t be needed at the getting ready photos. Or are you having alchohol during this?
Post # 7
BostonBride0917 : I would ask her “will you be getting ready with your friend or with me and the rest of the bridesmaids?” That makes it clear that the friend is not invited to get ready with you, but leaves your sister feeling welcome and in control. If she decides to stick with the friend, so what. The idea of getting ready together is that everyone WANTS to get ready together. If she doesn’t, you wouldn’t want to force her to, right? So letting her make the decision is a win-win.