Do I invite my Aunt if it will greatly upset other family members? (Long)

posted 3 years ago in Family
  • poll: Would you invite "Aunt GG" after what she did to "Aunt M"
    Yes : (15 votes)
    37 %
    No : (19 votes)
    46 %
    Maybe : (7 votes)
    17 %
  • Post # 3
    Member
    1737 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: December 2014 - 13th ~ TN

    @Ms_Purple:  For your sake and sanity on your wedding day, you need to consider what might take place if they are all in the same room. If it is going to cause you any unnecessary stress, don’t invite her. However, I would feel that I shouldn’t invite the other sister either, just to be fair.

    Post # 4
    Member
    2649 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: October 2010

    @Ms_Purple:  Wow.  I don’t envy you.  

    On one hand, strictly from an etiquette standpoint, you can invite whomever you want and its up to the invited guests to decide if they want to attend or not.  People can and should behave like adults and just avoid/ignore whomever they don’t want to deal with.

    From an emotional standpoint, your Aunt and her kids have been through some horrible stuff and Aunt GG’s actions were inexcusable and it sounds like all of this is still pretty fresh.  Sorry, but “that’s just how she is…” isn’t an excuse.  

    If you have to choose, then I say choose the people victimized by GG.  Alternatively, perhaps ask her to apologize or make amends?  Its not okay that she just wants to live in her bubble and expect everyone else to just get over it.  

    Post # 6
    Member
    1892 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: May 2013

    @Ms_Purple:  IMO, it’s YOUR wedding. Invite who YOU want. Yoh should have a talk with you other aunts and tell them if any type of drama happens, then they will be asked to leave. We had a similar situation with DH grandmother(moms mom) and his fathers new gf. his gram doesn’t like new gf and we told her if she cause any issues she was leaving…(she’s stirred up shit in the past with the gf)… everytjing went fine day of.

    Post # 7
    Member
    1737 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: December 2014 - 13th ~ TN

    @Ms_Purple:  If they can be together and not cause issues then you should just express how you feel to your mom and the other aunt. She is still family and yall still love her. I understand that this situation was tough for them but I agree with you that the “outside” aunt was “minipulated” a bit too by this man. Should she have gotten both sides of the story? Yes! Should she have defended her family? Yes! That is how I feel with my family but, even as close as my family is, not everyone thinks the same way in every situation. Obviously this happened a while ago, since the memorial service was over a year ago, so I think it is time for people to start moving on. Even if that means that the victims need to just get over it and be the bigger people and accept what happened as past events.

    Post # 8
    Member
    2620 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: June 2012

    i would see if someone would try to tell her she needs to reconnect with the niece and nephew and her sister befor you send an invite to aunt gg.

    Post # 9
    Member
    6510 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: June 2013

    I personally would not want to invite her. I don’t think someone should get out of  apologizing and acting like that because “that’s the way she is.” I get that your uncle was likely manipulating her but IMO your Aunt GG acted horribly and this situation would probably change my relationship with her.

    However, since you said you wanted her there, invite her. Don’t let her relationship with others dictate your decision.

    Post # 10
    Member
    430 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: September 2016

    I would invite her. From the sounds of it, you truly want your Aunt GG there in addition to your Aunt M. They are both adults and can decide whether they want to accept or decline the invitation. In addition to them both being adults and choosing whether or not they will attend, they should both be mature enough to make this day about their neice and her new husband as opposed to their differences.

    It sounds as though Aunt GG certainly was manipulated by Uncle B, so the blame cannot be entirely placed on Aunt GG. If someone turns to you for support, you automatically assume that they are telling the truth – as much as it is horrible for Aunt M and your cousins, I completely understand why Aunt GG sided with Uncle B (he contacted her before the allegations against him came into view). While I would hope that Aunt GG apologises, I can see why it would be embarrassing for her to do so, as she was effectively fooled into believing horrible, untrue things about her own sister, niece, and nephew. It may not be the most mature course of action, but staying silent and hoping it will get better is understandable.

    From where I’m standing, your aunts do not need to speak to one another at your wedding. Your cousins do not need to speak to your aunt at your wedding. Nothing has to be spoken about Uncle be at your wedding. The focus at your wedding is your wedding and should not include other family members’ drama. Your family should be invited and supporting you and your new husband despite their differences. It’s not your job to play mediator.

    Post # 11
    Member
    3016 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: July 2014 - Prague

    If you really want her there, invite her. They’re all adults, it’s true. 

    But depending on your relationship with her, it might be worth a straight-talk convo about the fact she has deeply hurt Aunt M and kids. Maybe an apology would be possible. (I mean, the dude is in prison; she’s got to see she was in the wrong on this one…) 

    Just a suggestion.

    Post # 12
    Member
    2657 posts
    Sugar bee

    I agree that this is your wedding and you should be able to invite whoever you want.  That being said, I don’t know if I would personally invite her because I wouldn’t want to put other family members in such an uncomfortable position.  I’ve had to make this same decision for my guest list, although the family members I excluded I was not very close with to begin with.  You can’t force people to heal and make amends, these things take time.  If your family can’t handle being in the same room with her for a few hours with 120 other guests, you have to be prepared for the consequences if she is invited.  There is really no right or wrong decision here, you just have to figure out which consequences you are prepared to deal with.  

    Post # 13
    Member
    5421 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: August 2014

    @Ms_Purple:  I voted no; because honestly, I would not WANT her there after how she has acted. Mental disorder or not (which I agree is very likely) her behaviour was appalling, and I can totally see how Aunt M and your mother wouldn’t want her there, and would be worried about her being there. Having been through something similar-but-different with a suspected narcissist recently, I can say that if I were Aunt M and knew that Aunt GG were attending, I would probably send my apologies; I just don’t think I would be able to face it.

    However, I am not you, you are not me; this is your wedding, and your decision. Only you can decide what is best for you and your family. I’d say that the likely scenarios are:

    You invite both of them, they both attend, all is fine.

    You invite both of them, they both attend, drama ensues.

    You invite both of them, Aunt GG accepts, Aunt M decline and understands your decision.

    You invite both of them, Aunt GG accepts, Aunt M declines and is upset at your decision.

    You don’t invite Aunt GG, she understands.

    You don’t invite Aunt GG, she is upset.

    You don’t invite either.

     

    Only you can decide which possible outcome/s you’re most OK with. But I do think that if you invite Aunt GG you risk not just drama on the day, but major hard feelings with Aunt M and your cousins, and your mother.

    Post # 14
    Member
    1689 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: May 2014

    I’d invite her, just because she’s family.  It really sucks what happened, but you shouldn’t get involved in family politics.

    Both my fiance and my family’s have drama.  Some people don’t like others, and they try to get you on their side.  We had a similar situation come up as we were inviting.  We chose to ignore it.  Everyone got an invite to our wedding though because frankly, it’s on them to make their peace and to me, family bond is more important.

    Post # 16
    Member
    330 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: July 2014

    I say it’s your wedding. I think if you’ve been close to aunt GG your whole life maybe you can have a heart to heart with her and tell her how you feel. Maybe even express the fact that if she said she was sorry it might go a long way for mending the relationships and making things better for your wedding. I would ultimately invite her… she is family.

    i know you will have a beautiful wedding day. try not to let all the stress get to you.

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