Post # 1
- Wedding: May 2014 - Madison, WI
I have been very close to my Aunt GG my whole life. I was in her wedding, she’s been there for all my big events. I really want her at my wedding. But due to some recent family drama, my Mom and her other sister Aunt M do NOT want her there. They said it would possibly cause them (esp. Aunt M and her daughter who is a BM) to have a breakdown. I just don’t know what to do…My Dad said he thought it would be okay for me to still invite her. But things have not gotten better. I don’t know what to do.
Below is the situation….thanks to those who follow along…
Aunt M and Uncle B got divorced. Turned out Uncle B was a closeted homosexual all this time (25+ years). He was abusing everyone in his family. Forced his son to watch gay porn with him. Called his daughter a slut because he was secretly lusting over her boyfriend. Would yell at Aunt M tell her she should just die etc..for being disabled after a botched knee surgery. She developed RSD and suffers from chronic pain that can lead to seizures/hospitalization. He would throw their dog across the room when it barked. The kids would hide with the dog in a closet to try and keep it safe. Kids are both adults now (19 and 21) but still live at home. Needless to say Uncle B is now in prison. Aunt M finally felt like she could reach out to us after years of Uncle B keeping them isolated. We believed her right away and did everything we could to help (we being my immediate family, this is my Mom’s sister). We live close by so it was a little easier for us to see what was really going on.
However, when all this was first coming to light Uncle B decided to call Aunt GG (his SIL/Aunt M’s sister) and get her on his side. She lives further away and also didn’t see Aunt M much plus they were never close because they were more competitive. Well he tells Aunt GG that Aunt M is just drugged out on her pain meds and her disability is making her crazy. That he is only trying to be a good father etc..blah blah..that his daughter is a slut and that his son is menace (seriously..could not be further from the truth!). Well even though you’d think Aunt GG would defend her sister or try to believe her, Aunt GG likes drama and being the center of attention, a lot. So she agrees with Uncle B. Says it must be so hard on him etc..that it’s horrible his daughter is such a slut etc…Well needless to say this was heartbreaking for Aunt M and her kids to hear. They cannot believe Aunt GG sided with their Dad…but this was all before the police got involved and he was arrested. The police actually asked my parents about the text messages between them thinking she might be some sort of “girl on the side” to Uncle B…so clearly some were even more inappropriate. Aunt GG is married herself with two kids. But this is classic Aunt GG behavior, she is like a 40 yr old “Mean Girl”, she’s very narcissistic, and vain. I love her and she’s so much fun to hang out with at time but this is just who she is and always has been. For some perspective she had a breakdown after a bad hair dye job and ended up on antidepressants. Aging is very hard on her I guess.
While after everything came out Aunt GG shut up and just didn’t talk to us. I’m sure she felt played by Uncle B who clearly was manipulating her but she never apologized to Aunt M or her kids. This does not surprise me, she’s more the type of person who just hopes after enough time you’ll know she’s sorry and just move on and let things get back to normal. But with everything Aunt M and her kids have been through with their abusive father etc…they can’t get past how hurt they were by Aunt GG taking their Dad’s side and never trying to apologize. I feel like it’s just how she is and in her mind she does not see how much she hurt them…but at the same time I don’t want to make anyone in this family suffer more which seems like it would happen if they saw her at the wedding. Aunt M is in a really bad place right now. She finally got her divorce finalized but of course Uncle B left her with a pile of debt to deal with while he’s in prison. We’ve all been try to help. Her kids are both college students and give every dime they have to pay their mother’s bills. It’s heartbreaking…
We are having around 120 people total at the wedding. I was hoping it would be okay if I sat Aunt GG away from them and I know they’d all keep their distance assuming things are not resolved beforehand…but I just don’t know what to do? What would you do? Would you invite Aunt GG who you’ve been closest to your whole life? Or not, because she did a hurtful thing to her sister and you cousins?
Post # 3
- Wedding: December 2014 - 13th ~ TN
@Ms_Purple: For your sake and sanity on your wedding day, you need to consider what might take place if they are all in the same room. If it is going to cause you any unnecessary stress, don’t invite her. However, I would feel that I shouldn’t invite the other sister either, just to be fair.
Post # 4
@Ms_Purple: Wow. I don’t envy you.
On one hand, strictly from an etiquette standpoint, you can invite whomever you want and its up to the invited guests to decide if they want to attend or not. People can and should behave like adults and just avoid/ignore whomever they don’t want to deal with.
From an emotional standpoint, your Aunt and her kids have been through some horrible stuff and Aunt GG’s actions were inexcusable and it sounds like all of this is still pretty fresh. Sorry, but “that’s just how she is…” isn’t an excuse.
If you have to choose, then I say choose the people victimized by GG. Alternatively, perhaps ask her to apologize or make amends? Its not okay that she just wants to live in her bubble and expect everyone else to just get over it.
Post # 5
- Wedding: May 2014 - Madison, WI
@MrsUPS: Well Aunt M is being invited regardless because this is one thing she is so looking forward to and both her children are in the wedding. They’ve all been in the same room once before since all this happened and that was a year ago for a memorial service. My cousin had to leave the room to cry and I guess Aunt M was near tears just seeing her. Nothing confrontational would happen, they’d just be upset at seeing her I guess.
@Zhabeego: I feel more like everyone was victimized by Uncle B. He manipulated the situation the whole time. I know “that’s just how she is” isn’t an excuse for her behavior but I don’t feel like she did or said anything knowing what was really going on to be malicous. I think she believed him when he said my Aunt was not being rational etc because of her pain medication. She’s on high doses of dilaudid, it wouldn’t be that hard to believe. But yes, once the whole truth came out she should have apologized for what she said and did before she really knew everything that was going on. It seems like someone in the family (her brother or my Dad) might approach her to make amends because she has been reaching out to us (just not apologizing).
Post # 6
@Ms_Purple: IMO, it’s YOUR wedding. Invite who YOU want. Yoh should have a talk with you other aunts and tell them if any type of drama happens, then they will be asked to leave. We had a similar situation with DH grandmother(moms mom) and his fathers new gf. his gram doesn’t like new gf and we told her if she cause any issues she was leaving…(she’s stirred up shit in the past with the gf)… everytjing went fine day of.
Post # 7
- Wedding: December 2014 - 13th ~ TN
@Ms_Purple: If they can be together and not cause issues then you should just express how you feel to your mom and the other aunt. She is still family and yall still love her. I understand that this situation was tough for them but I agree with you that the “outside” aunt was “minipulated” a bit too by this man. Should she have gotten both sides of the story? Yes! Should she have defended her family? Yes! That is how I feel with my family but, even as close as my family is, not everyone thinks the same way in every situation. Obviously this happened a while ago, since the memorial service was over a year ago, so I think it is time for people to start moving on. Even if that means that the victims need to just get over it and be the bigger people and accept what happened as past events.
Post # 8
i would see if someone would try to tell her she needs to reconnect with the niece and nephew and her sister befor you send an invite to aunt gg.
Post # 9
I personally would not want to invite her. I don’t think someone should get out of apologizing and acting like that because “that’s the way she is.” I get that your uncle was likely manipulating her but IMO your Aunt GG acted horribly and this situation would probably change my relationship with her.
However, since you said you wanted her there, invite her. Don’t let her relationship with others dictate your decision.
Post # 10
I would invite her. From the sounds of it, you truly want your Aunt GG there in addition to your Aunt M. They are both adults and can decide whether they want to accept or decline the invitation. In addition to them both being adults and choosing whether or not they will attend, they should both be mature enough to make this day about their neice and her new husband as opposed to their differences.
It sounds as though Aunt GG certainly was manipulated by Uncle B, so the blame cannot be entirely placed on Aunt GG. If someone turns to you for support, you automatically assume that they are telling the truth – as much as it is horrible for Aunt M and your cousins, I completely understand why Aunt GG sided with Uncle B (he contacted her before the allegations against him came into view). While I would hope that Aunt GG apologises, I can see why it would be embarrassing for her to do so, as she was effectively fooled into believing horrible, untrue things about her own sister, niece, and nephew. It may not be the most mature course of action, but staying silent and hoping it will get better is understandable.
From where I’m standing, your aunts do not need to speak to one another at your wedding. Your cousins do not need to speak to your aunt at your wedding. Nothing has to be spoken about Uncle be at your wedding. The focus at your wedding is your wedding and should not include other family members’ drama. Your family should be invited and supporting you and your new husband despite their differences. It’s not your job to play mediator.
Post # 11
- Wedding: July 2014 - Prague
If you really want her there, invite her. They’re all adults, it’s true.
But depending on your relationship with her, it might be worth a straight-talk convo about the fact she has deeply hurt Aunt M and kids. Maybe an apology would be possible. (I mean, the dude is in prison; she’s got to see she was in the wrong on this one…)
Just a suggestion.
Post # 12
I agree that this is your wedding and you should be able to invite whoever you want. That being said, I don’t know if I would personally invite her because I wouldn’t want to put other family members in such an uncomfortable position. I’ve had to make this same decision for my guest list, although the family members I excluded I was not very close with to begin with. You can’t force people to heal and make amends, these things take time. If your family can’t handle being in the same room with her for a few hours with 120 other guests, you have to be prepared for the consequences if she is invited. There is really no right or wrong decision here, you just have to figure out which consequences you are prepared to deal with.
Post # 13
@Ms_Purple: I voted no; because honestly, I would not WANT her there after how she has acted. Mental disorder or not (which I agree is very likely) her behaviour was appalling, and I can totally see how Aunt M and your mother wouldn’t want her there, and would be worried about her being there. Having been through something similar-but-different with a suspected narcissist recently, I can say that if I were Aunt M and knew that Aunt GG were attending, I would probably send my apologies; I just don’t think I would be able to face it.
However, I am not you, you are not me; this is your wedding, and your decision. Only you can decide what is best for you and your family. I’d say that the likely scenarios are:
You invite both of them, they both attend, all is fine.
You invite both of them, they both attend, drama ensues.
You invite both of them, Aunt GG accepts, Aunt M decline and understands your decision.
You invite both of them, Aunt GG accepts, Aunt M declines and is upset at your decision.
You don’t invite Aunt GG, she understands.
You don’t invite Aunt GG, she is upset.
You don’t invite either.
Only you can decide which possible outcome/s you’re most OK with. But I do think that if you invite Aunt GG you risk not just drama on the day, but major hard feelings with Aunt M and your cousins, and your mother.
Post # 14
I’d invite her, just because she’s family. It really sucks what happened, but you shouldn’t get involved in family politics.
Both my fiance and my family’s have drama. Some people don’t like others, and they try to get you on their side. We had a similar situation come up as we were inviting. We chose to ignore it. Everyone got an invite to our wedding though because frankly, it’s on them to make their peace and to me, family bond is more important.
Post # 15
- Wedding: May 2014 - Madison, WI
It’s tough because we all used to be so close, though Aunt M was isolated away from us by her now EX-husband. But Aunt GG was always there for everything. She was at every graduation event I had, she helped me pick out my prom dress, she was there when I got ready for prom etc…Obviously things have changed since this happened. She wasn’t there for my engagement announcement, picking out my wedding dress, or anything to do with my wedding because of this situation. Aside from my mom and Aunt M, all other Aunts and Uncles (her brothers/sisters) are still in contact with her. They’re very non-confrontational I guess and though they support Aunt M, they still have a relationship with Aunt GG too.
Part of me just really feels like one day they will get past this…even my mom says she thinks someday they’ll fix things. I only get this one wedding. If she misses it, that’s it. I guess I am leaning towards inviting her but really hoping we can resolve things at least a little before the wedding.
While all this did happen well over a year ago now, it’s been made fresh for Aunt M recently because her divorce was just finalized. So now she’s dealing with the stress of selling their house and having no money in the mean time to pay the bills. Uncle B’s 401K is supposed to put toward all the debt he accumulated but she hasn’t gotten any money yet. My Mom went over there the other day and all she had in her fridge was milk. I think the added stress of the current situation is just making it worse when for awhile it seemed like things were getting better..My Mom said she would be okay with me inviting Aunt GG and for awhile I really thought they’d get back in touch…but really everything has now taken a huge step backwards.
Post # 16
I say it’s your wedding. I think if you’ve been close to aunt GG your whole life maybe you can have a heart to heart with her and tell her how you feel. Maybe even express the fact that if she said she was sorry it might go a long way for mending the relationships and making things better for your wedding. I would ultimately invite her… she is family.
i know you will have a beautiful wedding day. try not to let all the stress get to you.