Do I invite this unruly, alcoholic guest??

posted 3 years ago in Food
  • poll: Should I invite this potentially unruly guest?
    HELL NO! He'll have to get over it : (38 votes)
    73 %
    HOW COULD YOU NOT? He'll be devestated! : (11 votes)
    21 %
    Other, explain! : (3 votes)
    6 %
  • Post # 3
    Member
    7654 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: July 2012

    @BurlapnLace:  So if he is already teetering on the edge of destructive drunk guy, how do you think telling him, “Sorry, Billy, you’re not invited” is going to go over with him? Probably not good, and while it isn’t your responsibility to worry about how other people feel about who you and your FI decide to invite, you will lose this friendship (or lack there of) over it honestly.

    Post # 4
    Member
    2878 posts
    Sugar bee

    How close are you to this person ? I get from your message that it’s not someone you really hang out with, but you probably chat online from time to time just to make sure he’s okay. 

    I’ve been in a similar situation years ago and it’s pretty much how you described it … I knew the guy before he was a self-destructive drunk, before he started to drive drunk and go to jail because of it. Although a very sweet person when sober, I couldn’t bear with the part where he was doing illegal things and where he would bring chaos. We didn’t hang out that much in real life, but we had a chat every now and then just to keep up with the news. If I would have planned my wedding back then, I wouldn’t have invited him, even if he knew people I had invited.

    I know it’s a delicate situation because you probably feel guilty by the idea you might hurt someone who already deals with a lot of pain, but you’re an adult, so is he … and you can’t take the burden of his poor life choices over your shoulders. You can’t change people you don’t want (or aren’t ready) to change. It’s sad, but it’s life. And I think you shouldn’t spend your wedding day worrying about his behavior once he starts drinking. People like this don’t wait until midnight to pass out, they’re drunk by the cocktail hour basically. I think you and your guests should be focussed on having fun, not checking over someone who becomes aggressive when he’s had to drink. 

    Post # 5
    Member
    5932 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: April 2018

    @BurlapnLace:  Look, I know it seems like this wedding is the event of the season, and while it may alter your life as you know it for all eternity, for the rest of the people that know you, its just another party.  Invite this guy because you want him there, not because you feel bad for him or because you think it will devastate him if he’s not welcome…because it won’t.  Just have someone take his keys, let him have at the bar until his face flies off and call him a cab…there’s one of these at every party…there’s nothing you can do about it….it in no way reflects badly upon you, your family or your new marriage…its just one more guy that can’t handle his liquor, and that’s his problem.

    Post # 6
    Member
    206 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: August 2014

    My fiance has a (not close) friend who is a recovering alcoholic, so he’s sort of in the same boat.  Mutual friends will be coming, and of course with facebook and all it will be “out there” that the wedding is taking place and my FI does not want to hurt this guy’s feelings.  We discussed it though and because we will be having an open bar and because weddings are weddings (social drinking expectations, oftentimes awkward if you don’t know a lot of the guests), we don’t think it’s an ideal situation for someone in recovery.  We aren’t being completely selfless in our decision though, as we are also aware of the potential for a drunken scene and we don’t want to deal with that on top of everything else!  We just want to enjoy ourselves and not worry about who’s drinking how much of what.       

     

     

     

    Post # 7
    Member
    1988 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: October 2015

    @BurlapnLace:  Oh dear, that’s hard. 

    I have to be honest though and say that if it were me, I wouldn’t invite him. It’s heartbreaking, really, but like you said, why flirt with something that could possibly ruin your wedding day?

    If he asks why he wasn’t invited, tell him the truth though. Tell him you were afraid of his out-of-control drinking would make a mess of your wedding. Maybe it’s what he needs to sit down and think about how his drinking is in fact a big enough problem for something like that to happen. If an intervention didn’t work, this just might. 

    Post # 9
    Member
    1988 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: October 2015

    @BurlapnLace:  You’re welcome. I really hope this eye-opener works and that you don’t lose a friend over this. Fingers crossed!

    Post # 10
    Member
    2092 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: May 2014

    @waterbaby:  It is not up to you or your FI to decide what is or is not an appropriate event for a recovering alcoholic to attend. As a recovering alcoholic myself, I would be highly offended being treated this way by my “friends”, and they would not be my friends anymore. Like, who do you think you are deciding what’s best for someone struggling with a disease that you have no clue about? Give your head a shake.

    Post # 11
    Member
    206 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: August 2014

    @sillysillybee:  eek, I’m terribly sorry I offended you, I see how my statement might have hit a nerve as it was not worded in the most sensitive manner.  You’re right that I have no clue as I do not have family or friends who are alcoholics, nor am I one.  However, I am not a completely clueless jerk as you seem to think!  I shared about our particular situation, one where we know the person involved and the history of his recovery.  You may be doing much better with your recovery than he is, and you may not have had quite the lows that he has, I’m not asking or judging.  But for this particular person, in a situation controlled by us, we do get to make that judgement call.  Again, no offense intended and I am not trying to speak out of place.  Just sharing my experience.             

    Post # 13
    Member
    2092 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: May 2014

    @waterbaby:  Ok I do understand and yes, everyone is different. I don’t know how serious your friend is about his recovery, but from my personal experience, it is very hurtful to be treated as some sort of social pariah because of your past when you are doing everything you can to get better. Certainly our behaviour and the things we alcoholics have done in the past will never be forgotten, but ideally they should not be used against us when actively living a life of recovery. Having said that, the reality is that most people don’t get that it’s a disease and not a choice. Also, if your friend is working a solid recovery program he will have tools to help him decide which social events he should or should not be attending. It’s just disheartening when the choice is taken away from you.

    ETA: Everything I said I mean only about RECOVERING alcoholics who are trying to help themselves. If it’s an alcoholic who is still actively drinking and in denial that’s a whole other story.

     

     

     

    Post # 14
    Hostess
    3787 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: June 2011

    @BurlapnLace:  Honestly, it sounds like you aren’t close. You don’t have anything to talk about except college, and he has a serious drinking problem that he’s not getting help with. I have an immediate family member with serious addicition problems, and I dated a guy who sounds a lot like your friend in college. There’s something that he’s getting out of these patterns and he won’t get help until continuing to go down this path is more painful for him than getting help. 

    I don’t think that getting an invite to your wedding is going to be the thing that pushes him into getting help, but I think it’s worthwhile to think about this for what it is. You aren’t really friends anymore because you don’t have anything in common. You shared a part of your life that you look back on fondly now, but you’re not really “friends” with this guy because he’s drinking and you can’t and don’t want to relate to that. If he asks you, just tell the truth. “So and so, I love you but we’ve grown apart over the last ten years. I don’t really see you much, and we don’t have much in common anymore because you’re still drinking/partying and I’m just not. I wish you the best, but we’ve chosen to only invite close friends and people that know us well as a couple.” 

    Sorry. It sucks to watch people go down this path. But if I’ve learned anything from going through it, it’s that you can’t fix people and even if you’ve shared some really amazing times, they’re just not the same person anymore and neither are you.

    Post # 16
    Member
    422 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: July 2014

    i have a friend who we chose not to invite for similar reasons. i don’t know if i would really call us friends anymore. i basically have been withdrawing myself from her for two years, although when i do run into her (generally at a local bar) she is HAMMERED and screams to everyone about us being best friends. i just laugh and shake her off as soon as possible.

     

    i haven’t made our wedding plans well known for this exact reason, i’m worried about her response to not getting an invitation. i certainly don’t want to hurt her feelings, and did a lot of teetering when it came to adding her name to the guest list, but in the end, we decided we just couldn’t have a hot ass mess at our wedding. 

     

    it’s an unfortunate situation, but i wouldn’t risk embaressing yourself and your FI and your wedding because of their beligerent actions. 

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