Post # 1
Well Bee’s, I am married. Yay! Almost everything went perfectly.
But during the ceremony, we asked BIL (who is 23) to read “i carry you in my heart”, which has been my favorite poem since high school. Instead, he read the lyrics to “That’s Amore.” Bee’s, I worked SO HARD at the ceremony, to make it flow, to make it just right. Darling Husband thinks I need to let it go, that it was a joke. But I feel like I can’t trust BIL with anything of importance. He hasn’t apologized, and he never will. That’s not his personality. But you only get one shot at a wedding, and someone doing something like that purposefully is just not cool in my book.
What do you all think? Let it go, or silently remember in the future? I just feel like, especially when kids come along, we can’t trust him to not expose our children to things we don’t approve of. If he can’t act like an adult now, I don’t think he ever will.
Post # 3
How old is your BIL/is he married himself?
I do think you HAVE to let it go, at least as far as the hard feelings. You’ll never actually FORGET it, I don’t think. But you can forgive him and move on. That’s the best thing. After all, that’s your BIL forever now.
As far as the kids comparison…I don’t think it’s the same. I think he was just joking with that (which I agree was stupid and wrong) but it didn’t actually hurt someone. I would like to think that people respect parenting decisions a bit more because it’s more obvious how it can have long-term effects if you go against a parents wishes. Maybe you’ll be a bit more cautious letting him watch your kids alone, but I would hope he would have their best interest at heart if/when he were to be alone with them.
Post # 4
He’s 23 and not married. He acts inappropriately in serious situations. He thinks it’s funny, and charming. It’s not. It’s rude and immature.
I think you’re right – I do have to move past it. That doesn’t mean he gets care packages anymore…which I was sending on a regular basis. I just feel really hurt, and I know he’ll never apologize, which makes it worse.
Post # 5
I dont think there’s anything wrong with being honest and saying telling him how much it hurt you that he chose to do that at your wedding, but you have to do it as quickly and unemotionally as you can… and then you have to let it go. I’d be upset too but there’s not much you can do with jokesters like this sometimes.
The kids thing is another subject altogether and you should give him a chance to be a good uncle to your future kids.
Post # 6
I agree with PPs. I’d be pretty ticked off myself, because a lot of planning goes into a wedding (and that was disrespectful since you’d trusted him to be a part of your special day and he thought he’d be a prankster instead of doing what you asked). I could see MAYBE getting away with something like that at the reception, but during the ceremony was poor taste on his part. But…he’s family now. He is (still) young, and perhaps will understand how much that upset you if he gets married in the future. Try to be the bigger person and forgive his childishness. Sorry that this happened to you though!
Post # 7
Although it may not have any impact, I would speak with him and tell him how hurt I was by his behavior. Hindsight is 20/20 but knowing that He acts inappropriately in serious situations, I would refrain from asking him to play a role in any important occasion in the future.
Post # 8
@rubyred605: I Carry Your Heart by E. E. Cummings is my favorite poem too! It was not cool to change the poem and I can understand you getting upset. However, your wedding is over, everything went well and life is good. You have to let it go, its senseless and petty. If I had a dollar for every stupid mistake/comment I made at 23, I would be filthy rich. No true harm has been done. Move on, he is family now. At his wedding you could ask to read the poem and read I Carry Your Heart and make it a family joke.
Post # 9
Ah, what a dink. I’d be pissed too. However, you kind of have to let it go, although if you feel strongly about it, you could mention it to him (calmly) that you didn’t find it funny. I agree with PPs that you should give him a chance when it comes to future kids since he might end up being a wonderful uncle. Obviously don’t let his first test be taking them overnight, but do give him a chance. 🙂
Post # 10
@rubyred605: I REALLY don’t think men always “get” weddings until they are planning one of their own or are fairly mature to begin with. His age…probably didn’t help. It’s stupid, but he probably doesn’t really see it as “that big of a deal.” I’ll admit, I’d slow down on care packages too. 😉 But yep, he’s family, he’s young. Maybe he’ll apologize one day and maybe he won’t. And hopefully he’ll mature a bit before you have kids anyway.
Post # 11
Wow, that’s a pretty low thing for him to do. As mrs pugetsound said, it might’ve been cute at the reception, but pranking you like that during the ceremony is disrespectful, especially considering that the poem clearly meant a lot to you. A 23 year old should definitely know better than to behave like this. That being said though, what’s done is done, and while you may not forget it it’s much better to try and forgive him, now that he is family. You can’t recreate the moment, but pulling him aside for a small talk about how upset you were by his actions may at least keep you from harboring resentment over this and may even help your BIL understand that he needs to grow up some. Pranks have their appropriate place; a wedding ceremony isn’t one of them. (And this is coming from someone who loves to be a bit of a jokester herself!)
How close are you to your BIL? If he were to get married in the future, do you think you would be able to participate in it to emphasize your forgiveness, or do you think you’d refrain from being involved? Even if you forgive him, it’s understandable if you wouldn’t participate in his wedding.
I’m glad that the rest of the day went so well though!
Post # 12
Wow. I totally think you should forgive, but not forget. Let him know how much it hurt you, or the upset/resentment could come out in other ways.
Post # 13
I agree with PPs. Talk to him, tell him how hurt and disappointed you were. Dont’get angry with him, it will just make it worse. There’s not much you can do now than remember this for the future. I must say, his age is no excuse. 23 is more than old enough to figure out what is and isn’t appropriate in a serious situation like a wedding ceremony.
Post # 14
Thanks for all your advice Bees! I will tell him next time I see him that his “prank” really hurt my feelings. But I found out last night that he and another groomsman were making fun of one of my bridesmaids, so I just don’t feel like I need to go out of my way to be friends.
Post # 15
@rubyred605: I think you should first include a copy of your poem with your thank you cards. Either print it on the card itself or on nice paper and enclose it in the card. This way, your poem is still a part of your wedding even though he was an ass and read something he felt was more important without asking you first.
Then I’d confront him. Pull him aside when no other relatives are around (in person is best — I’d refrain from phone or email or text) and just say hey, That’s Amore was funny, but it hurt me that you didn’t recite the poem I worked so hard to include in just the right spot in the ceremony…because I love your brother very much and it was out of respect for him and us as a couple that I chose that particular poem. See what he says to that.
EDIT: As for him making fun or your bridesmaid, maybe you don’t have to go out of your way to become friends with him, but maybe you should reach out anyhow. At least you will have done the right thing and perhaps he’ll think twice to cross anyone, especially you, in the future. People like that need to hear it from someone that won’t stand for the shit, but will still be mindful enough not to blow anything out of proportion. It is because you respect him enough that you are even talking to him about this, which will probably blow his tiny mind.
Post # 16
@Cornflakegirl: I like the idea of including the poems in the Thank Yous. I wouldn’t validate his actions at all by calling them “funny,” though.