Post # 1
We had our amazing wedding in June and it was perfect!! Planning was stress-free except for the one crazy family member that caused drama.
First when our wedding website came up and the bridal party was on it, she emailed my DH and asked why her son, his cousin, wasn’t the best man. My DH thought she was kidding because he wasnt even a GM but she was dead serious. Long story short she threatened to not come and put DH’s mom, my MIL, in a weird spot. DH thought it was ridiculous because even though they hung out as children in summers, they currently see each other once every two years and aren’t that close. DH also said if he expanded the GM list there would be other people over the cousin. Even the cousin was like mom chill out I would not have him in mine either. But the drama continued and we said fine the cousin can be in the wedding.
Wedding time comes. As most family would have to travel, I felt it was very nice for anyone to attend at all so we asked for no presents. DH had to adjust to no presents OR contribute towards honeymoon because it is apparently it is Chinese tradition to give wedding money for good luck. Well, she was the only family member who didn’t give anything despite tradition
also during the rehearsal dinner took me aside. She said the place was great and she finally “got” why we were getting married here because she was telling everyone it was awful place to get married and so out of the way. I made it very clear that it was okay if family couldn’t make it and actually only 5 of my family members made it and we had a blast! The point is I never made her come; plus she can think whatever but I felt it unnecessary to tell me to my face the night before I’m getting married.
With all the drama I don’t feel like I owe any thanks to her but I feel like there may be more drama if I don’t send one. We are sending out thank you cards this week. Thoughts?
Post # 3
@immanorcalbee: I only send thank you cards for gifts.
Post # 4
Maybe just say “Thanks for attending our wedding!” or something. that way you aren’t thanking her for something she didn’t do and she is still getting a thank you.
Post # 5
@immanorcalbee: I would not bother! She sounds like a real treat!
Post # 6
Etiquette Snob here… lol
Traditonally, Thank You Cards are only required for Gifts & Acts of Kindness.
If she sent you a gift then YES, you need to write a Thank You Note. It doesn’t have to be “dripping with kind words”… it could be just factual, and suffice.
Hope this helps,
PS… Didn’t get the whole asking for NO GIFTS thing on your part… especially so if your DH is of Chinese background. (Perhaps, I’ve misunderstood that bit in your post)
Post # 7
Thanks guys! I think she would expect a thank you even if she didn’t give a gift but frankly I don’t think I owe her one. I already accommodated her needs by allowing her son to be in our wedding which neither me nor my DH wanted.
Post # 8
So she pulls you aside at your wedding to basically tell you she is giving you her weird blessing on your choice?
What kind of delusional, out-to-lunch trick is your aunt?
Send a card that says “Thanks for coming to the wedding!” and limit your communication with her. What a nuisance.
Post # 9
@thistimeround thank you for the etiquette point of view! Sorry it was confusing. She was the only Chinese relative that did NOT give a gift. We made it clear that gifts were not expected because people also had to pay for flights to be there. However, Chinese tradition includes cash in red envelopes for good luck for the marriage. We learned about the tradition AFTER we originally told people no gifts so that is why we adjusted to include money for honeymoon.
Post # 10
She was a bitch, there’s no doubting that. She also didn’t give a gift. From a strict perspective, you don’t have to write her a thank you note. It’s a matter of – what do you expect to come out of it? It sounds as though she’ll complain, but then again, she’ll probably complain no matter what.
I had a somewhat similar situation and just sent a thank you card. In my mind, it made me the bigger person.