Weddingbee boards

OK so FI's mom has this boyfriend we have never met. They have been together since we started dating five years ago. The reason we have never met him is because he has been in jail the whole time, he just got out a few months ago.

He went to jail for mowing the lawn drunk, or so that's what we have been told. I am sure there is more to the story. Even with DUI's you don't go to jail for that long unless you have had repeated offenses and/or seriously injured or killed someone. ~This I know because of a few family members and friends who have been through this~

So we know he is a drunk but have never met this man. Needless to say I feel really uncomfortable inviting this man to our wedding (as do my parents). However FI says we have to invite him. It's like inviting a stranger who may or may not get drunk and do something crazy.

Am I overreacting? Or am I valid in my fear and being uncomfortable?

A side note the only people FI has chosen to invite from his family is his mom, dad, sister, and brother. The only one he wants to invite and doesn't feel obligated to invite is his brother. His family are loud, rude, and abrasive people. They tend to make big scenes and fight a lot. So knowing both of his parents personalities doesn't really help this fear I have.

We are planning on having 100-120 guest. This boyfriend is the only problem invited to the wedding. The few family members and friends I mentioned are NOT invited (for a variety of reasons). My family loves to drink a little and have a good time at weddings.  I have been to a few dry weddings and everyone left after the bridal dances which was around 8-9pm. I was shocked because our family weddings generally go past midnight.

I could always talk to the bartenders about cutting him off at a certain point and not letting him have too many drinks too close together.

I don't know. I feel like it's a must because FI thinks it's a must. He doesn't want to upset his mom by not inviting him. Although she would probably bring him even if his name wasn't on the invite.

FI tells me the reason we HAVE to invite him is out of courtesy. Also because we are allowing other people to bring guest. Well we know these "guests"!! I am just really frustrated with the FIL's and this just tops the cake. I just feel like we don't have a reason to be courtesy to her and allow her to bring him. His dad isn't bringing a guest. ~Sorry this is going to be long, just need to vent a little~

Both his parent couldn't care less about the wedding. Especially since they are all wrapped up in his sisters divorce. His mom and my mom meet a few weeks after we were engaged she greeted my mom with "I don't want anything to do with the wedding. Just tell me the date, time, and location." It needs to be noted that the engagement/wedding was not mentioned at all. She offered this information up on her own. Both my parents were stunned by this comment.

His dad is really irritated that he has to get dressed up. He was saying he'll have to figure out how to save to rent a suit. FI basically forced him to listen to the wedding date and basic details in March (our wedding is in April 2011). FI explained he had over a year to figure it out but he still seemed put out that he had to dress up and take time out of his busy schedule to come to our wedding.

Both of his parents behavior through the wedding process so far has really hurt FI's feelings. His parents only call when they need money and it hit FI hard just recently. He decided that they will only be recieving an invitation like all the other guest and nothing more.

I just think it's not necessary to invite him. We have time to think it over but it's hard. The thought of the possible situation and not knowing his man very well is giving me mild anixety attacks.

@coffeekitty

It matters because I don't know him, he is an alcoholic, and we weren't told the whole reason on why he was in jail. I find it very alarming seeing as both his parents have been involved with some really shady people (friends & significant others).

You wouldn't be concerned at all?  Imagine a drunk stranger at your wedding, you have no idea how they behave.

Maybe I am making a bigger deal about it than necessary but for some reason in the pit of my stomache I feel like it is not a good idea.

You could find out what he's in jail for. That sort of thing is a public record. Also, if his incarceration involed alcohol and he's out on probation/parole (not clear here) he might be prohibited from drinking as a condition of his release.  Knowing all that might alleviate some of your stress.

I wouldn't worry about it until closer in. You have a long time.  But as of now I think you have to invite him. Judging your FMIL's relationships is improper, first off.  Also, if your FI wants him there you should honor his wishes, since it's his wedding too.

Good luck - this issue may resolve itself.  Stuff happens.

Will you be able to meet him before the wedding?  That might help.

I had my stomach in a knot over some of our guests, but when I met or saw them at the RD beforehand, I really felt much better.

My FI's aunt has a boyfriend who was in jail for rape. He is racist, rude, loud and annoying. He isn't even close to us politically (which wouldn't matter, except for how outspoken and rude he is about it) And we are just not inviting him. If the aunt chooses not to come, we are prepared for that-- So if you choose not to invite him be prepared for the same result.

But I agree with you. I am not letting this stranger ruin our wedding. We don't know him and he hasn't earned the right to a place in our wedding day (even as scenery)

IN addition to my above post. Even if I don't see him much, or in your case, even if you don't see him much, think of all the guests and evenings he will have the opportunity to ruin.... just sayin' You should feel comfortable with who you invite.

Thank you all for you opinions. It gives me some food for thought. We were going over the guest list with my parents and it was brought up. We do have a LOT of time so I think I'll let it go for now and worry about it  when we get ready to send out invitations.

sahsabahs - I think I will look into that.

MeghanV - We probably won't meet him before the wedding. Like I said FI's mom only makes time for him when there is something in it for her (usually money). He has called her several times to get together with her but she blows him off. You can only bend over backwards so far for someone (mom or not). Also FI has stated that he does not want his parents at the rehearsal dinner. He said they will get an invite and that's it. Although I am not a fan of his parents I understand that they are his parents. I have only met his mom about 4 or 5 times  over our 5 1/2 years together. There is 7 years between FI and I (I'm younger) before his mom met me she said "Well I hope she at least of age" and continued ripping me apart. FI has on several occasions had to remind her to be nice, especially when he leaves the room. His dad cornered me one time when FI wasn't there and told me to let him go to their family get togethers. The funny thing is I strongly encouraged him to go to them, he decided he didn't want to. Sorry this is so long I haven't shared this with anyone. My parents don't like to hear people talk badly about other people and I don't like to talk about FI parents in a negative light infront of him.

sironel - I hope it's nothing like that. I totally agree with your decision on not inviting him.

I have a lot to think about. Thank you.

I wonder if he will even still be around in a few months.  Who knows how many women he was "dating" was in jail. 

I guess you kind of have to invite him if your FI wants to, but I'm not sure I could.  I'd find out why he was in jail and then use that to help decide.  I think you need to think of the safety of all the guests at the wedding as well as the fact he may make a scene.  If you find out he's violent if you can afford it I might have some security there.  Plus like others said, if he's on probabtion I doubt he can legally drink.