Post # 1
Ok, so imagine you were on the “giving” end of this. I am already married. My husband and I got engaged and did a private ceremony the month following because he was being deployed (and please hold you your internal groans; we were planning this anyway but sped it up due to the deployment). We are having our “wedding” (vow renewal and ceremony) this August. It is a big event, just as if it were our wedding. We are sparing no more expense than we would be on our first time around. So my question is with a 200 people guest list, none of which were at the real wedding since we didn’t have anyone there, and spending as much money as we are on the entire thing so our guests have a blast, are we still entitled to do a registry? Since we didn’t have gifts the first time around I would think yes, but don’t want to be tacky?
Part 2 of the question is if you have everything that you need as a couple together, how do you tactfully say that monetary donations are accepted? 🙂 I want to do a honeymoon registry but my husband is a bit more old school and thinks this is extremely tacky and that his family won’t go for it. He doesn’t realize that this is becoming common!
I won’t be offended, please tell me all thoughts regarding our unconventional way of doing things!
Post # 3
@ArmyWifey8.23: I would do a small registry and have friends/family spread the word that you would prefer cash. I would not do a honeymoon registry, but thats just me. If there isn’t much on the registry people will be more inclined to give cash. But add to the registry if gets low.
ETA: And I would definitely not include anything on the invitations stating you would prefer cash.
Post # 4
I agree with the pp, do a small registry and have the word spead, that’s what my Fiance and I are doing. We’ll still have a registry but it won’t be huge since I have owned a home for years and have everything I need. And of course you are entitled to gifts! I would have no problem buying you a gift!
Post # 5
No. You are already married you don’t get to go back after the fact and do a do-over.
Life is about choices and all choices have consequences. You chose to get married quickly in a private ceremony (which I understand) the consequence of that is that you didn’t have the big white wedding, with all the trimmings.
If anyone had been so inclined to give you a gift they would have/will. You don’t need a registry for that.
Retroactive registering is having your cake and eating it too.
There is no polite way to tell someone “give me cash”. Everyone likes cash. No one refuses a cash gift, so no need to tell people you will accept. And really you will accept whatever anyone chooses to gift you 😉
If Fiance says his side won’t like/embrace a Honeymoon registry, then it seems that would be a bad idea for you guys.
Post # 6
@andielovesj: I strongly disagree about the registry. As a guest at this wedding, knowing the circumstances, I would be happy to give a gift, and I would never be offended that they have a registry.
I do agree about cash, though. No polite way to ask for that.
Post # 7
@andielovesj: +1. OP: It’s great that you want to have a party to celebrate your marriage, but that doesn’t mean you’re “entitled” to a registry. Create a small registry (> 50 items) and only mention it if people directly ask about a registry. Before you’re vow renewal, come to terms with the fact that you probably won’t receive the same quantity and quality of gifts as you would at a wedding.
Post # 8
@andielovesj: @msfahrenheit: I agree with both of you. OP, it’s perfectly fine to have a celebration of your marriage with a party and vow renewal (congrats on your marriage btw!). However, I don’t think your necessarily “entitled” to gifts, since you’re already married and had a wedding. But, odds are people are going to want to give you something anyway so I do think you should create a registry. I would keep it simple – register at one store, and keep it less than 50ish. You don’t need a large one because you shouldn’t be having any pre-wedding parties. I would only give out registry info if asked. It is never okay to ask for money – it is considered rude and tacky. Everyone knows money is welcome and don’t need to be told so. Also, please don’t do a Honeymoon registry – they may be becoming more common, but many people still find them in poor taste (myself included). And if your Fiance and his family don’t like them then it is a bad idea to have one.
Post # 9
No one is “entitled” to a registry, married already or not. But it is a helpful thing to have so that those who do want to give you a gift know what items would be the most useful to you. If i were invited to your reception I wouldn’t be treating it any differently than an actual wedding, and I would just search for your registry online or ask you where it was.
You shouldn’t directly ask for money, but if you tell a few family members that you prefer monetary gifts then hopefully people will find out by word of mouth. Definitely don’t do the honeymoon registry if you think your husband’s family won’t like it- it’s all about what’s common and accepted in your circles.
Post # 10
I don’t think you should advertise a registry but it can be helpful to people who want to give a gift and don’t know what to get, so having one ready if people ask I think is a good thing. From what I’ve seen here most people have card boxes and expect them at weddings, so cash is always an option, if your nearest and dearest know you guys really need cash then if people as them they can let them know but I wouldn’t ask directly.
I don’t think it’s fair to say you should be penalized for getting married privately before he was deployed (consequences to your choices? really? that’s pretty harsh), you’re still hosting and celebrating with your family, people get married legally for this reason and for things like immigration or any other extremely valid personal reason and have the family wedding/reception/vow renewal later.
Post # 11
It’s fine. We did the same thing. Engaged one month, married the next for administrative/military reasons. TONS of military couples do this. It’s not out of the norm. But we, with our families, decided to treat the big wedding down the road as our wedding since the courthouse one was very administratively based (we’re not even wearing rings till after the big one).
Yes, word choice isn’t perfect. No one is “entitled.” But having a registry is fine. It’s not like you were married before, had the big white wedding that ended and you’re on wedding #2 and asking for a registry. This will be your first big white wedding and the 1st was driven purely out of administrative needs. Not like anyone got to celebrate with you. And if your family is anything like ours, they’d like to celebrate, and they want a registry to help them.
Agreeing with the others about the money – no good way to ask. Just make a small registry. People usually get the hint.
But congrats! 🙂 Try not to overthink it too much. Just treat it as your first and things will become much easier.
Post # 12
And really, saying that because you had to do a quickie in the courthouse means you’ve forfeited all rights to create registries is like saying because your birthday fell on a Monday, you had a cake, but would like to celebrate on Saturday because that’s when your friends are available means you’ve forfeited gifts. Really? You can’t register because of an administrative “timing” issue? I have to disagree on that one.
Post # 13
As a guest, I would honestly be bothered if I saw your registry advertized anywhere. I don’t really think there’s anything inherently wrong in this situation with having a registry, because, out of 200 guests, there are bound to be a few who are going to ask you to provide one. However, I think a large group of your guests would be offended by a registry, so I wouldn’t make it known unless asked. In other words, register for what you need, then only give the registry info to those who ask you (or a family member) directly. That way, you don’t risk offending.
As for a money or honeymoon registry, sorry, I just don’t like those in general, and I think in this case it will come off even more inappropriate. If you don’t advertize a registry, my guess is that the majority of your guests will give you money, anyway, so I wouldn’t solicit it.
ETA: FWIW, as a guest, I would give you cash (same as I would if it were your original wedding reception).
Post # 14
I think you could register and no one would think twice about it. But asking for cash is a no-no; if you want cash, you spead that via word of mouth (through parents) and have a small registry. If your fiance says no to asking for cash and says his family wouldn’t be comfortable with it, that should be the end of the discussion.
Post # 15
@claireos: Agree! I don’t see why someone should be judged or penalized for not being able to [afford/organize/have time for/what have you] a wedding AND a big fabulous party to celebrate the wedding on the SAME day
I think claireos had good advice, just treat it as though it is a regular wedding and follow the same etiquette/tradition/etc that you would have otherwise.
ETA: And zagora too 🙂
Post # 16
Question 1) Yes, go ahead and register!
Question 2) Just as if you were engaged and planning your wedding, the same etiquette still applies. No mentioning the registry on the invitation, no asking for cash.