(Closed) do i stay or leave

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
3170 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

You made vows to stay with him through the hard times, you don’t just get to walk away when times get hard. He needs motivated and it sounds like you did that for him. Why would you leave now? He just needs a wake up call, don’t support him, don’t enable him.

But don’t leave him. That won’t solve your problems.

Post # 4
9618 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2019

@Birdee106:  +1

Perhaps he does have depression, which is a serious medical condition, that can definitely affect ability and motivation to work.

Post # 5
388 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

I think if you have to ask, you know your answer.  I went through the exact same thing.  My first husband and I had 2 daughters.  After we were married, he thought he didn’t have to work… I would just take care of everyone.  I even went back to work 5 weeks after my babies were born to take care of all of us.  When I would “threaten” him, he would find something for a little while and leave/quit/get fired.  It was never his fault.  (My sister went through the same thing recently with her husband.)

We both got divorced, and are so much happier for it!  It is a lot of work to take care of an adult.  There is a difference between sticking it out through hard times, and taking care of someone who doesn’t contribute to the relationship.  You should be equal partners.  He should WANT to work to take care of his family.

I left when my daughters were 1 & 3.  He never paid child support and doesn’t have a relationship with his daughters now (his choice).  I am getting re-married to someone my daughters can look up to.  These decisions are hard, but think about what you want your future to be and how you want your kid to grow up.  That should make the decision easier.  Best of luck!

Post # 6
486 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

My SO was like this when we started dating.  He couldn’t hold down a job, would work for a couple months loose his cool, get laid off by the employer go on employment insurance etc.  I’ve always had employment and a career is very important to me.  After about 8 months of him having zero motivation to find work I had to sit him down and have a serious conversation about career goals and ambition.  I did some research and provided him with career assistance support programs that were funded by the government, had him schedule an appointment with a career counsellor who could help him with identifying a long term career goal, resumes, job search etc.  I also told him that someone who has a drive and ambition to be successful is important to me.  I think given that you have a child you need to sit down and have a serious talk with him about the example he’s setting for your daughter and that if this keeps up long term you can’t trust that he can provide for her.  Sometimes knowing that you won’t always be there to take care of things lights a fire under people.

I actually work as a Career Counsellor now and I can tell you I meet a lot of clients who are clinically depressed after having lost a job and not being able to support their family.  If it keeps up I would have him see a doctor because his lack of motivation could have a lot to do with being clinically depressed and not lacking ambition.

Post # 7
2605 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

@mrskane:  Its one thing if he’s dilligently looking for work and can’t find it and quite another if he’s not.

What does he do on the day’s he’s not working?  I’m really hoping the answer is he takes care of all the housework, grocery shopping, yard maintenance, kid getting, etc.  If he’s taken on the lion’s share of maintaining your home, that’s valuable too. 

However, if he’s works a bare minimum at a paying job and at home – no, I wouldn’t stay in that relationship.  That’s not a husband – that’s baggage. 


Post # 8
981 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2008 - A tiny town just outside of Glacier National Park

The two of you need to have some serious conversations about this. Don’t pussyfoot around the issue. Be direct and tell him how you feel. If you need the help of a mediator, please enlist a couples counselor. Also, if you want him to improve, he needs to be in treatment for his depression, and that means therapy and medication if possible. If you don’t have insurance, there are low-cost or sliding-scale clinics in your area that can still help.

There is a breaking point, to be sure. But you need to make sure that you have explored your resources first. Things aren’t going to get easier if you just walk away.

Post # 9
1544 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

I agree no men are perfect. You made a commitment to him. I’d just sit down with him and figure out a budget and make him stick to it. It may be easier to do it on your own but the finances have to be a joint effort. He’s gotta SEE the money (or lack there of) come in and go out.

Post # 10
644 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

Those pesky vows, man.  Personally…..I would stick it out…..that’s what marriage is.

IMO Marriage isn’t.  I swear to stick with you only until I’ve had enough.  I’m prepared (but not expecting) for things to get miserable at some point because sometimes that happens.  I won’t leave.  That’s what vows mean, that’s what marriage means.  Sometimes it might suck for you.  Nobody is holding a gun to your head but that’s what I thought vows were.  If you have a life is too short, mentality then marriage shouldn’t have ever been an option.

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