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I think you should tell them but also say that you are an adult and that they need to respect the reasons why you didnt tell them...if they find out another way, it will only be worse....youre an adult..you make your own decisions...and they need to trust you to make the right ones...
I think I would tell them, it will probably hurt their feelings a lot if they find out after the wedding, especially if they find out from someone else. Not saying to lie about the situation, but just explain it and no need to go into all the dirty details (esp on your FI's side) i think that would only make it harder for them to accept and make the relationship between your parents & FI more strained.
I say tell them simply for the fact that by not telling them, you could great an issue later
It isn't a big deal. I understand your reasons, But I mean it's not a big deal in terms of : "its not a big deal if you tell them but it's the kinda thing that becomes a big deal if it's kept a secret and they find out about it"
Also I find that honestly sometimes is best. If you tell them all your reasons for not having told them and why you want to....they may respond in a really supportive way.
I think you should tell them. The damage done by being honest will be far less than the damage done by a slip of the tongue of a wedding guest. You don't need to go into the details of the situation, and if they ask simply say that it isn't relevant (because really it isn't).
I would say if you've been together six years and it's been more than six years since his divorce, then they should be adult about it like you are. Maybe sit down with them to have a discussion and break it to them that way. Don't just blurt it out and don't let them find out from his family at the wedding.
i voted yes, i'm sure that they would rather hear it from you than from someone else, especially on your wedding day. i can only imagine one of his friends reference his first wedding by saying something like, "hope his one keeps" or something silly that friends tend to say at the wrong time. my FI is also divorced and his best man at his first wedding is going to be the best man at ours (it's is best friend). i joke that maybe we shouldn't do that since he wasn't much luck the first one. your parents my be a bit miffed but they'll get over it. when you do tell them, try not to do it in front of everyone. best of luck.
Tough! My FI was previously married as well to his highschool/college sweetheart. 2 years into the marriage it was over. They did not have any children either I have never heard the entire story, but I believe that she cheated on him. Anyhow, it was very hard for me to tell my parents about my FI as well. I come from a rather religious and traditional family so I know what you are going through. My problem was that I live in a small town and not telling them was never an option. People are cruel and love to bring up things like that. Luckily for me my parents were "okay" with it and we have not talked about it since. Your parents may surprise you. While it is normal for us to think that our parents will not "get it" and may not be supportive when telling them something like this, often times I find that I am surprised by how supportive my parents really are. Good luck!! =)
This is so challenging, and I absolutely understand your dilemma. Here is some free advice from a therapist (me): sit down with your parents before your wedding and have your fiancee tell them that he was previously married.
It is perfectly understandable that you want to protect him and maintain his privacy, but this is his past and as he is about to become a member of your family he needs to do so in complete and total honesty.
It is most definitely a difficult decision to make, but ultimately it will feel like an amazing burdeon has been lifted. Just realize what you are doing is protecting him (and his reputation in your parents' eyes) which is natural and honorable, but they are accepting him as a son, and they shoud accept him fully as you have.
Also, if it makes it easier, you can all agree to have the conversation, ask whatever questions need to be asked, and then leave the past in the past.
GOOD LUCK!
@ mandstan
I actually think that is the most appropriate approach. We won't have a chance for a sit down before the wedding (that is the next time we will see them, they live in Boston), but a phone call with all four of us on might work.
I'll definitely think about it, thanks.
Secrets are never good- it will come out some day and then they will be more hurt than if you tell them now yourselves.
I would tell them, but keep in mind while doing so that you don't owe them an explanation of all the nitty gritty.
That is, all you need divulge is that he was previously married and it didn't work out - not the particulars of why.
@ teaandtoast
I feel like you are right about that, but telling them that it didn't work out is almost as bad as them finding out at the wedding. My parents are really big believers that you don't walk away from a marriage.
The easy way would be to just tell them she cheated. It isn't the whole story, but that would be acceptable to them.
My parents were...pretty direct...when my DH and I told them that he had already been married and had a daughter. My parents are Catholic as well, so adding the child to the picture really didn't help. I think it's best to get it out in the open now, because they deserve to know your FI for who he is, and either love him for it or not. My parents took a while to get over it, but now they don't mention it anymore.
@ monita - I see what you mean. I guess, though, ifit were me I would ultimately err on the side of FI's privacy.
They know him well, no? And like him? Will six years of treating you well and being loyal, dependable, etc. be wiped out by the knowledge that he made a mistake in the now distant past?
Would you be telling them yourself, or would you and FI sit them down for a discussion together? That seems like it might be best because, really, it's his story. That way he'd be able to decide how much and what information was shared and be there to face their reaction directly.
I also think that you should mention it. By doing it ASAP they have 6 months to get over it before the wedding. That would be sooo much better than someone making a dumb comment at the wedding, and having it blow up on your big day. And if you're worried about it, don't get into details. Just make it a simple "they were highschool sweethearts, and it didn't work." End of story.
Good luck!
It's tough because while the whole drawn out story of his ex-wife isn't their business, they may want just a heads-up that he was married before so that it doesn't come up at a highly inappropriate time (like your wedding). I think the important thing is to find a good moment to have the conversation with them. You're still several months out from your wedding so I would definitely address the topic soon if you plan to.
I think you should tell them. It's better that they find out from you and not from someone else. Just try to let them know what happened in your FI's previous marriage and hopefully they will understand why they aren't together anymore and that he is a different person now.
I would bring it up, but simply, and don't dwell on it. Something like.. Hey guys, I wanted to bring something up so you aren't surprised if it's mentioned at the wedding. Mr MonitaJB was married after highschool, but separated after a short time without having children. I've only met her once, and it never comes up in conversation so I didn't think to mention it. ... then field 1, 2 questions max and then suggest going out ot lunch or something :)
Some one will say something in the bathroom which one of your relatives will overhear. "Oh, I'm so happy for Johnny. He had such a bad experience the last time, I know this time will be different. Sandy is so nice! Did you see how she comes over to us and says how happy she is we came? The other one hated us from the get go!"
Or something like that. There will be something said. Better they know. It is their business, you're their daughter.
Ug, well, you all are right, that is when you ask Bees for the hard truth....
I agree with the PPs, but I think maybe you should tell them yourself. You do want to give them the chance to react authentically, and that may be more difficult for them to do with your FI telling them (depending on their relationship).
You should have told them way long ago you let it go too long. I dont think you should tell them now! maybe after the wedding its not a big deal since you have been together so long it would be something to tell them if he had a child but since you have not told them for this long why tell them 4 months before the wedding : /
best of luck keep us posted on your decision
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Okay, so I have been mulling asking this question, but I'm pretty tender about it. Please, be gentle.
My FI was previously married, and I have never told my parents about this. With our wedding less than 6 months away, I'm wondering if I should.
We've been dating almost 6 years, and I have never told them. Of course the best time would have been once we got serious, but that didn't happen. The ex was totally out of the picture by the time we met. I bumped into her once, but she has had no impact on my life.
My reasons for not telling them:
1) Its none of their business. He doesn't have any kids, and no obligations to her.
2) Its a complicated story. In short, high school sweethearts, by all accounts a nice girl who got mixed up with a bad crowd and drugs. She drained their savings and slept with her playboy dealer. But the other side is that he worked too much and didn't invest in her well being much beyond finances. He also acted very, very poorly in the break up, as in a drunken confrontation at her work and sending her parents her diary, filled with all of her dirty deeds. I don't want to get into the story, because although there is a way to make him look fine (just mention the drugs), he believes in the truth. She is totally cleaned up now, and he thinks it is important to acknowledge his role in her problems.
3) They are conservative Catholics and will not be happy.
4) It's been a long time.
My reason for telling them (only one):
1) I don't want them to find out at the wedding if someone is rude and mentions it.
I'm terrified of the slip. I don't know what context it would happen in, but it would actually ruin the wedding day. But, god, telling them will suck. Ugh. I'm 27 and a frickin' adult and all, but I'm close to my parents. I believe in privacy, so I don't feel as if they deserve to know, but I don't want them to find out in a bad way.
Thoughts?