(Closed) Do I tell or don't I?

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
1686 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

So, like four and a half years ago, when you’d just started dating, you got drunk at a party and fooled around a little with some other guy. Now, almost five years later, you think you should tell your FI?

Water under the bridge, sister. It’s not like that guy means anything to you, or like you’ve had an ongoing cheating problem. I don’t see how “confessing” is going to do anything beneficial. It’s not going to undo one half-assed indiscretion that happened years ago, and is ancient history for you. It could, on the other hand, be very hurtful to your FI.

But whatever you want to do. I don’t know your relationship. I do sometimes think people choose to “confess” to make *themselves* feel better, even though it causes needless pain to someone else. I think that’s kind of selfish, personally.

Post # 4
Member
2104 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

I think you don’t tell him. There’s nothing to gain from it. It will hurt him unnecessarily, IMO. This was 5 years ago, which is a long time…especially when you’re going from early 20s to late 20s…such a developmental time period. You obviously know it was wrong. The dude is obviously not planning to tell anybody. It’s, as the other poster said, water under the bridge. Please try not to beat yourself up over it.

Post # 5
Member
340 posts
Helper bee

As my good ‘ol feminist grandma would say, ‘somethings you just don’t tell a man’ and this is one of him and let me tell you why. You are trying to clear your conscience, but it would hurt him more telling him than if you kept it in. Just bury the hatchet because you were a different you. You aren’t the same party girl and you won’t be in the future. Plus it may ruin the relationship with your FI and his friend. If his friend thought it was such a big deal he would have told him, but he didn’t. I know honestly and trust is so important, but in your case you were a different girl then and a different one now. Never ever cheat again and you are fine.

Post # 6
Member
8042 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2013

I really don’t think there is anything to be gained by telling him. I think it would make your friendship with this guy awkward, not to mention his friendship w. the guy awkward.

I understand how you feel, but really this was when you first started dating and you’ve never made the mistake again. I agree w. previous posters that the other guy doesn’t plan on telling either. I just think saying anything is totally unnecessary.

Post # 7
Member
587 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

I totally get why you want to tell him and the thing I’d be worried about is this friend making the ol remember-when-you-sucked-my-dck joke and your husband (at that point) FREAKING OUT. That’s your worst case scenario. Maybe just tell him you hooked up before the two of you got together just in case that comes up. But that’s just more lying so probably a bad idea. I TAKE IT BACK. I really dont’ know what I’d do. I’d probably tell my FI but it would go poorly. We wouldn’t break up but man, I’d be in the dog house for AGES. This wasn’t really helpful, sorry.

Post # 8
Member
9631 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

@Kkat77:  I would keep this secret unless you are completely ready to face the distinct possiblity of destroying your relationship.  You could tell him and he could decide to walk because of it.  Is it really worth the risk?  I think not.  But of course that’s up to you.

What you did was very, very wrong.  Six months is a long time to be in a relationship and betray someone that way.  It was cheating and if it happened to me I’m not sure I could forgive it, to be honest.  Not that I wouldn’t want to try but try to imagine the brain scrub that would be needed after learning something like that.

Say the situation was reversed, and your FI confessed to you that he gave a girl oral after you two were in a committed relationship.  How would it make you feel?  Ugh.  I would not want to know, personally. 

If you tell him be prepared for the fallout.  Weigh everything carefully before you make the decision.

Post # 9
Member
6745 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2014

Don’t tell him.  It’s just going to hurt him.  The only thing to gain is for you to feel better about yourself by telling him.  It’s really a long time ago, you guys were just dating, 6 months isn’t always something serious.  Don’t tell him because even if you two move past this and stay together, you’ll never feel better about doing it, he’ll never feel good about hearing about it, and it will always be the big elephant in the room. 

Here’s what you do.  You write him a letter.  You write him a letter and you NEVER EVER GIVE IT TO HIM.  You burn it once you’re done writing it, you throw it out after you shred and re-shred and RE-SHRED it.  Do NOT leave it around.  Do NOT just throw it out without destroying it. 

And if it ever comes up, say you thought he knew, say it was before you guys were official, deny that it ever happened.  Whatever, take the secret with you to your grave.  Spare your FI his feelings, even if it means you’re guilty.

Also, you might not think about it ever again if you and your SO weren’t friends with this guy anymore.  Out of sight out of mind.  I bet it reminds you all the time whenever you think about this friend.  I would consider phasing him out of your life.  I know it’s a friend, but what I think the most disrespectful part out of all this is not that you blew him, but that you let your SO become friends with him and that he hangs out around your SO.

Post # 10
Member
9631 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

@futuremrsk18:  I agree. 

Except that if it is written down, write it in CODE.  I wouldn’t take any chances, lol. 

Then BURN it to purge the guilt from your soul.

OP:  A big hug – we all make mistakes and do things we aren’t proud of later.  Let this be a lesson learned.  I wish you all the best.  (And please don’t tell him).

Post # 11
Member
1627 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

I’m with the “do not tell him” PPs.  It was almost 5 years ago, you have not cheated since, and from your description you are madly in love with the person you want to spend your life with.  Like @Elvis:  said, if you tell him YOU may feel better, but it will cause needless pain to your FI (regardless of how level headed he is).  Plus, how awkward will it be with the friend since it also sounds like you 3 are now friends? 

I’d leave it alone, personally.

Post # 12
Member
1030 posts
Bumble bee

Sent it to Post Secret!

Don’t tell him. Just don’t.

Post # 13
Member
443 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

I agree, it would only hurt him more. What about talking to the other guy since your still friends and making sure that discussion is off the table, FOREVER.? If he is in a committed relationship too, he also probably doesn’t want that to come up in random conversation.

Post # 14
Member
109 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: February 2013

Forgive yourself and let it go.  He’s not going to feel much better that you kept it from him for all of those years.  Telling him now will be the biggest mistake of your life.  There is nothing like the ego and pride of a man, he will leave you if you tell him this, no matter how even tempered he is.  Don’t let one stupid ass night change your entire future.  Take that night, tell it to a rock, and toss that thing in the damn ocean.  

Post # 15
Member
2117 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

I mean, I personally would have to tell him…but I’d have had to tell him like…years ago when it happened. :

 

IDK what you should do. Listen to the other posters lol.

Post # 16
Member
143 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

If your FI is the type that really values honesty then you should be honest with him about the indescretion. You shouldn’t enter into a marriage hiding things like that because it could lead to more and more secrets. He deserves to know the truth just like you would to if the roles were reversed. If he truly loves you and is as level-headed as you said then perhaps he can get past it. I think you just have to have enough respect for him to be truthful with him even if it means risking your future with him. Explain to him that you had an issue with alcohol/drugs back then and it was before you and him were serious, or before you saw a future with him. Tell him what you said about him making you want to be a better person and that it’s why you stopped partying. I know all of this sounds easier than it is but I think in the long run you will be glad that you were honest with him, even if it doesn’t turn out the way you want. I wish you the best of luck and I hope everything works out.

The topic ‘Do I tell or don't I?’ is closed to new replies.

Find Amazing Vendors