Do I touch this with a 10 foot pole?

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
  • poll: Do I say something to my FI?
    Let sleeping dogs lie and hope he figured this one out on his own. : (2 votes)
    4 %
    Work with him on another 'out' for avoiding work talk. : (50 votes)
    96 %
  • Post # 3
    Member
    1506 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: December 2014

    @pastrygirl:  I would bring it up, just so it doesn’t happen again and dig himself into a deeper hole with your family. Just lightly bring it up to him maybe with something like “so my family was talking about this and mentioned that you said this ___ and they said it felt like that was an insult to their intelligence.. Next time if you don’t feel like talking about it, could you just say you don’t really want to get into it?” Good luck!

    Post # 4
    Member
    3394 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: April 2014

    @pastrygirl:  I say talk to him about it learning a decent bedside manner. Marriage is hard enough without adding family problems to it!

    Post # 5
    Member
    1506 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: December 2014

    Also, couldn’t he just figure out a really simple way to sumarize his job in layman’s terms just to suffice? Even if it doesn’t get into all the crazy jargon and details, he could just give a little overview. What he said really DID sound pretty jerk’ish :/

    Post # 6
    Member
    3268 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: May 2015

    @pastrygirl:  I think what you suggested you say to him is just the right thing to do. It sounds like you know how to handle this, and from what you said about how your family feels about him, it would be good to try and ensure that no more such gaffes happen. 

    I sympathize with you for having to deal with the family (mother especially) disliking and having a hard time accepting your significant other. That’s been my life since I met my wonderful SO, who is worth ALL the trouble I’ve been through over him! It sucks but sometimes families just don’t understand at all and refuse to see beyond their own ways!

    Post # 7
    Member
    167 posts
    Blushing bee

    @LeonardLady:  +1

     

    OP, I think talking to him about it now would save a lot of frustration in the long run. Don’t be too hard on him, but I’d definitely mention it and ask him to figure out another way to change the subject when his job comes up in conversation.

    Post # 8
    Member
    3268 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: May 2015

    I do think, also, that he ought to figure out a polite and simple way to describe what he does. As I am sure you are aware, what he said is pretty rude and it would be good if he learns to handle social situations a bit better. :/

    Good luck with this delicate stuff!

    Post # 10
    Member
    3268 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: May 2015

    @pastrygirl:  Aha, I know exactly what you mean with one’s mom feeling threatened (and possibly jealous) about her daughter moving somewhere else to be with a man, and that her daughter gets along with his family! My dad is much better at being tolerant and open-minded too. Our situations are super similar!

    And yes, it is hearsay from your side of the family who don’t like him. . . so who knows if that is really what he said. o_O And the guy who replied so rudely sounds like he’s too immature to deserve a Master’s! Tongue Out

    Post # 11
    Member
    920 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: November 2018

    I would talk to him but mainly just to get his side.  In my opinion your family is in the wrong on this one.

    Post # 13
    Member
    1275 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: September 2014

    @pastrygirl:  I would bring it up!  I’d say something like “Did you say to so-and-so that they wouldn’t understand your work?  I know you meant nothing by it but I think it ruffled some feathers” or something.

    Post # 14
    Member
    187 posts
    Blushing bee

    As a northerner dating a southern girl (in the south), I actually accidently wandered into a similar situation. My GFs uncle was in town, he was the first member of her mom’s family I met. My girlfriend’s immediate family all have professional jobs though most never went to college. Her extended family is from a small coal mining town and most n ever finished high school. I am engineer but the work I do is pretty technical, I hate telling people other than engineers what I do, I always feel like I am being pretentious or dumbing it way down. To the point, her uncle asked what I did, I said “I am an engineer” he took offense and barked back “what kind of engineer, what do you do” I explained my job and thought that was that, however the rest of the evening was full of passive aggressive comments about how educated people were even if it wasnt obvious. It never occurred to me that my answer could be insulting, and I felt terrible and have learned to tread carefully.

     

    My girlfriend later brought it up and was understanding she explained that her uncle was sensitive to people feeling like his family wasn’t good enough, I understand that better now and appreciated her bringing it up. I would reccomend you mention it to your FI, he may not realize it was offensive, or may have meant it as a joke. As I am sure you have realized there is a lot that can be said without anyone batting an eyelash in the North East and Midwest that will cause a big fuss in the south.

    Post # 16
    Member
    1619 posts
    Bumble bee

    @pastrygirl:  I had no idea there was nuance in how to answer “what do you want for breakfast?”  Guess my mid-western roots run deep:)

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