Post # 1
I have a girlfriend who I’ve been friends with since college (graduated in 2002). We were super-close right after college and I was in her bridal party in 2006. We used to live in the same city until about a year ago (started to drift before the move) and since then, I feel like we know nothing about each other, exclusive of sporadic gchat conversations and brunch every few months.
I traveled to her surprise 30th birthday party about a month ago, where it seemed like she was assuming she was going to be in my bridal party and to throw in another variable, we are in the same bridal party in June.
I feel like if I put her in the wedding it would be by obligation and not wanting to cause drama. My other girls are non-negotiable and I wouldn’t think twice about putting them in my bridal party.
My gut is telling me nothing and I don’t really know what to do. If I don’t put her in the bridal party, do I tell her? If so, how does one have that convo?
Post # 3
You could blame it on your groom… say something like he only has ___ groomsmen so this only allows me to have ____ bridesmaids and then tell her that you really wanted her to be apart of the wedding party but you two have just grown apart these last few years. You are only being honest and so she should understand. If she does not understand, you guys have already grown apart, so what is the worst that can happen. If you choose to not have her in the bridal party, give her a different job that is meanful, like the witness.
Hope that helps, good luck with your planning.
Post # 4
If I were you, depending on all the variables I would probably decide to just not say anything and let her figure it out on her own. It was wrong of her to assume she was a BM and it puts you in a really awkward situation. Since she isn’t a BM she won’t get emails about ordering the dress, planning the shower, etc. so she’ll figure it out and hopefully take the news gracefully. There’s just no good way to say “I’ve decided not to have you as a BM”. So I wouldn’t say it.
Post # 5
I don’t think you should lie because of your groom. If you don’t want her in your bridal party and she asks tell her you don’t want her in your bridal party. What’s she going to do? Throw a tantrum at 30? I’ve told a couple of friends they can’t be in my bridal party. Why? I only have space for 2, I want a small BP, I have 2 sisters. I agree with moderndaisy, only tell her if she asks, if not, then nada.
Post # 6
I agree that if you decide to say anything at all (which you don’t have ot by any means) you should be honest. I would also ask you mom/sister/hubby and get some opinions on the subject. If it was me I would porbbaly jsut ask her (I am one of those people who trys to keep everyone hepp though) You could also include her in a different role (reading, guestbook etc) if you want her there but don’t think she should be a BM. No matter what you decide I think honesty is the best policy.
Post # 7
i totally agree with everyone here. and i can also tell you to learn from my mistakes as i was in a very similar situation when i got engaged, and unfortunately i did not know about weddingbee and had no one to give me objective advice. i had a friend who asked me who my BMs were (after i already asked my sis and my 3 non-negotiable best friends), and this other girl i had been on the fence about. also part of my reason for not wanting to ask her was that my FI only had 2 on his side…..well in the end, i succumbed to the pressure i felt and asked her to my BM, which i kinda regret now because our bridal party is so imbalanced (6:2), plus i am not as close with her as we used to be.
so my advice is just don’t say anything to her and if she asks, then ya blame it on wanting an even party and that you and your FI agreed on a certain number each etc etc…..she really should ask you though.
Post # 8
I think that letting her find out on her own is sort of a mean way of letting her know about her not being in the bridal party. I had a group of girls that I’ve been friends with since college as well. I had 2 in the bridal party, one’s daughter, and I left one out…mainly b/c I really wasn’t as close to her as I was the other girls. So, I was completely honest with her. Just let her know that we had decided to have X number, and I didn’t feel as if we were as close. She totally understood and appreciated my honesty instead of her finding out the hard way by me just not talking to her about it. Give your friend the benefit of the doubt and talk with her.
Post # 9
The exact same thing happened to me when I got engaged. Even the senario is similar except she was married last year so it was still very fresh. She called after not speaking to me in 6 months to find out the details of the engagment and started talking about how excited she was to be involved. She even started naming people she thought I would ask to be my bridesmaids.
Needless to say, I had already decided not to have her in my bridal party. Instead of blaming anyone I just let her find out on her own. I knew we would proabaly not talk for a while again after that so it was easy to avoid the situation. It took me posting our wedding website for her to finally figure it out. I heard from a mutual friend that she was hurt. So, I am still not sure wether or not I handled the situation right. However, I still plan on inviting her to all the parties and get togethers (i.e. showers, bachlorette party, ect.)
I still dont know if I did the right thing but I am a very non-confrontational person so I believe it was the right choice for my situation. Good luck!
Post # 10
Sorry that sucks, good luck whatever yo decide to do!!
Post # 11
I had two close girlfriends that definitely could have been additional bridesmaids. And it was tough for me to not ask them, but at the same time, if I asked them, this other girl probably would have been hurt and then our numbers would have been crazy big, etc. So I knew I wasn’t going to ask them, but I wanted to be straightforward with them about it.
I was super awkward about it, until drunk one night, one of them said to me “J, if we’re not in your bridal party, it’s cool! Just make sure you still invite me to Kleinfelds.”
So at dinner soon after, I brought it up, I didn’t make excuses, and I told them the facts. I told them I was trying to figure out a way to keep them involved, and they told me as long as they get to come to teh bacholorette, they are excited to get to wear whatever they want.
Basically – I think if she is close to you and she has expectations, I think it would be better to tell her up front. She may not be as laid back as my two friends turned out to be, but I think you owe her that…from your past friendship, even if it isn’t how it stands today.
Post # 12
- Wedding: March 2010 - Calamigos Ranch
I don’t know what advice I would give, but I know that if I were in your friend’s situation I would be incredibly hurt. She might view your friendship differently than you do if you haven’t had an actual falling out. Just… be gentle.
Post # 13
I have a few questions before I answer.
1. Does she have a lot of other close girlfriends, or are you one of the only ones?
2. How many girls are in your party
3. Do you have any other girls u are leaving out, or is she the only one>?