(Closed) Do not want Bridemaids abusive boyfriend at wedding, help. ?

posted 7 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 3
Member
3118 posts
Sugar bee

I am of the camp that says you may not be able to dictate who your friends date, but you damn well can dictate who comes to your wedding! You are supporting her even though she is putting herself in this situation, and you are still there for her when she needs you. However, I don’t think you should be forced to have him at your party when he is not only ruining your friends life, but detracting from yours due to how much you have to worry about her and the time you spend supporting her in this situation.

Post # 4
Member
379 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2018

I’m going to disagree with fvsoccer… you can’t pick and choose who comes to your wedding.  I really doubt that you’re scrutinizing the rest of your guest’s dates, and it’s not fair to ask your friend to not bring her boyfriend.

I’ve been on the other side of this in college — not that my bf was abusive or anything like that.  My bf at the time was the best man in a friend’s wedding… and the bride (who I had met maybe a few times) did not want me at her wedding because she decided for some reason or another that she didn’t like me.  (As in, all the other grooms men were bringing dates and she told him that he could bring anyone but me) It caused a HUGE fight between my bf and the newlyweds and they haven’t been on the same terms since.

Post # 5
Member
2578 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

Bugger etiquette.

I would not invite him in a million years.

Post # 6
Member
1686 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

Your friend has made a lot of bad choices and she’s not in a good or healthy place. You acknowledge that he’s already tried to isolate her from her friends and family; do you really want to help him do that by shutting her out until “she realizes he is not a healthy person to be with”? (How will that help her realize it and give her the strength to get out of her situation?)

But I don’t think you should invite him to the wedding. And I think you should be frank with her; tell her that you really don’t want him there, that you haven’t been able to forgive him (yet), and that seeing him brings up a lot of negative feelings for you on a day when you want to be happy. Don’t make it about their relationship. And don’t let her make it about that. Your day; your feelings. At the same time, you should stress how much you do want her to be there, how much it means to you that she comes.

I’m sorry you’re watching someone you love go through something so terrible. It’s frustrating and painful not to be able to help.

Post # 7
Member
1126 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

@fvsoccer: Completely agree.  You can’t control your friend (unfortunately, and it must be heartbreaking to watch her keep making the same mistakes).  But if you give her ultimatums and make your friendship conditional on her doing what you want her to do, then you’re playing right into her boyfriend’s game.  So you have to be there for her unconditionally.

That said, you do not have to allow this man to your wedding.  You really don’t.  I would try to arrange for your friend to travel with someone else from her town, let her bring another friend, whatever.  That way she doesn’t have to travel alone, you get to have your friend there, and you don’t have to worry about her crazy boyfriend making a scene at your wedding.  You don’t have to support their relationship, you just have to support her.

Post # 8
Member
255 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

@Miss OBG: +1

I think that it’s terrible that her chosen mate abuses alcohol as well as his girlfriend, but ultimately, he is who she has chosen to be with.  I think you can tell her that he needs to control his drinking at your wedding reception, but by making an ultimatum, you are doing exactly what he would like, and isolating her further from her friends. 

My fiance is absolutely against my BFF bringing her BF to our wedding.  In January, I found out he had a double life online, including ads to interest couples and single men to have sex.  The whole situation was horrifying, but she chose to take him back.  They have been to couples and singles counselling, and have tried to make a fresh start.  I have to trust my friends judgement, even though I know she can do better than him.  She loves him, and has a life with him, and that was a very powerful motivator in deciding whether or not she could forgive him.  My fiance can’t stand him, and would like to beat him upon sight, but he gets that it’s not for him to decide who she can bring.  I love her, and I want her there, even if she brings someone who hurt her very badly.  Just my 2 cents. 🙂

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