(Closed) Do not want to move back with Inlaws. Am i selfish ? – Long story

posted 5 years ago in Married Life
Post # 3
853 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

Oh helllll to the no – do not move back in!

Why doesn’t your husband see this? Does he really care for you? You’re his WIFE now and YOUR desires and comforts should come before his parents’. 

His parents sound like very manipulative people – very jealous, very controlling. I am shocked that he either doesn’t see this or refuses to acknowledge it.

Sit your husband down. Tell them you’re married now and will have your own lodging with just the two of you. Also, tell him to get those wedding gifts from his greedy parents – they were for YOU.

If he keeps pushing the issue, tell him to move in with his parents, ALONE, while you seek a lawyer.

Post # 4
6015 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: March 2012


i would never ever ever move back into that house.  You’re going to be in the basement/pit of the house.  You should explain to your husband you’re an independant couple and remind him of the treatment you received the last time.  Really explain to him how it makes you feel, that they don’t even talk to you when you call on the phone, or go for a visit. 

Post # 5
286 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

I am so sorry you are going through this!! I think if you made it clear to your husband before getting married that you didnt want to move in with them, and then along with the fact that they dont like you, he should be more understanding. I think your husband needs to make a choice, be a good husband or be a good son because there really is no way for him to be both in this situation. I think you should definately stand your ground and make him choose between you or them. Good Luck!!

Post # 6
2419 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

I would also never want to move into the basement of that house. It sounds like a terrible situation for you as a couple!

Post # 7
2104 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

I didn’t even have to read your explanation before thinking “NO, you’re not selfish.” But man, once I read about the background, I really felt for you. I love my inlaws and they love me, but I’d rather live in my car than move in with them.

Post # 8
9142 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL

If you live in another woman’s house then it’s her house and you are stuck with her rules.  I wouldn’t live with a Mother-In-Law that didn’t respect me as an adult or as a partner to her son.  This is only going to spell disaster for your marriage.

P.S. This sounds like it’s a cultural issue.  What culture is your husband’s family?  Is it normal for their children to remain living at home even once married?  What other cultural expectations does his family have for you? your husband?  Is this why they didn’t support your marriage?

Post # 10
4478 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

When you get married, you have to have 100% support of your spouse.  If your family disrespects and abuses your spouse, you have to stand up to them.  YOUR HUSBAND’S NOT DOING THAT!  He should be defending you against them and supporting you fully in this decision.  As horrible as his family is, I think your husband’s the real problem here.  He hasn’t put his family in their place.  They’re being so aggressive because they know they can wear down on your husband and get him to do what they want.  


I agree with a PP that it’s either you or his family.  This situation isn’t going to get any better, and PLEASE don’t bring kids into this, because it’ll just get uglier.  I understand that you guys feel pressure to do what’s normal in your culture, but that’s no reason to have to take abuse from these people.  If he doesn’t start defending you, HE can move back in with them, without you.

Post # 11
357 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2005

I would not go back.  I’m sorry you’re in this situation.  It sounds like he’s becoming a different person than he was in college, now that he’s back home and near his parents again.  I would wager that he’s feeling guilty about the rift that your marriage by choice has caused in his family, and is hoping to fix it by moving back in.

I would try to make him understand that moving in with someone isn’t a thing you do to try to fix a relationship, it’s something you do after a good relationship is established.  If they want you (BOTH of you, as a couple) to come live with them, they first need to work on building a good relationship with you, so that you will feel comfortable under their roof.  They’ve done nothing so far but try to drive you away.  How can your husband or his parents now expect you to come back?

Honestly, I would want to move away completely so that his parents would have much less influence on our lives.  Maybe tell him that you are already compromising by living near his parents and away from your own family and friends – that moving in with them would just be too much.

It’s hard when what you want and what tradition dictates are different things, but if he was willing to buck tradition to marry you, then he needs to maintain that commitment going forward.

Post # 12
3689 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

Your husband needs to grow a pair.  Couples should not live with anyone’s parents unless the couple is in dire financial straits.

His parents sound like absolutely horrible people, and if he had any brains at all, he’d stand up to them.  Sending his sister along every time you two went out, even after you were married? Hell no!  Sane people don’t do that.  They’re crazy.  The last place you should be living is with them.

Post # 13
2622 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

I had a friend in a very similar situation. Her and her husband were from India, as you two are (or so it sounds)

Their first year was really tough. She also refused to move in.  After lots of talking with her husband they made a he finally started to understand where she was coming from and the pain the treatment caused her.   There really isnt a magic cure because he feels he owes his family and he feels guilty for breaking tradition.  

What they ended up doing for a couple months is they would invite the mom and dad over, but would not go to their houes so that they were on their turf and she had the advantage.

I think really all you can do is be firm and keep telling him why you dont want to move back in and that you wont move back in until you are part of the family. You wont move back in as a means to be part of the family.


Post # 14
11234 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013

@beachbride1216:  She said that they’re all from Indian background, and his parents do not like her or support the relationship because they wanted an arranged marriage and he went for a love match instead.

Post # 16
12250 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2013

That is such a rough situation! I wouldn’t move back into the house, though, unless you can get Mother-In-Law into family therapy with you (which doesn’t sound like it’s going to happen!)

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