Do our expectations of when to marry line up?

posted 2 years ago in Proposals
Post # 2
Member
1749 posts
Bumble bee

Do you know of any particular reasons why he chose the 27-32 age range? Do you have any particular reasons for choosing the 27-30 age range? If you don’t know his reasons for the age range he picked, it’s best to ask. Discussing these reasons – both yours and his – is important, even if they don’t seem like a big deal. Sometimes the smallest details that appear to be of no consequence are actually the details that need to be paid attention to the most, especially when it comes to proposals and marriage. 

You’re not rushing him. The 20’s, early or late, it doesn’t matter, are a fine age to get married, especially when biology is factored in, which is really very important. Besides, he’s a man who is fully capable of applying the brakes if he feels things are moving to fast This is your life we’re talking about, so don’t be afraid to talk about marriage for fear of “pressuring” him. Both of you are in your 20s and have been dating for years: marriage is one of the logical next steps, so there’s no reason to not talk about it. 

The age range of 27-29 is a reasonable compromise to me, but what’s reasonable and what’s not really does depend on what each of you wants and why. 

Post # 3
Member
1424 posts
Bumble bee

You’ve already been together 3.5 years, I don’t think you’re rushing him with talking about marriage.  You’re still on the young side but how do you really feel about his timeline?  And does he mean proposing or actually getting married?  Are you really okay with waiting up to 8 more years (him 32) to get married?  It sounds like it felt like a good talk but in hindsight you’re feeling a little confused by what he said and about if your timelines really match up. I would suggest sorting out what your ideal situation is your head so you can be clear about how you feel about things the next time this comes up. 

Post # 4
Member
1287 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

Mlim:  Honestly, there is not a perfect or right Mathematical equation, or age that adds up to marriage.  The only major factors are the readiness of both parties to make that commitment, whether those factors come from maturity, ‘bucket list’ type of things they want done beforehand (say, owning a home), financial security, etc.  Some people will say that if someone waits to propose, then they are not into you, and some will say that they are glad they waited for the ‘perfect’ time, even if it was 10 years into the relationship.  

I think, for me, I always expected to be married with a few children by the time I was 30.  My reality was different, and I was married at 32, and probably will not have children til I am 33/34.  It took a bit more time of him needing to be ready to ‘get there’, but everything was right for us!!

Post # 5
Member
1917 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

My FI had been wanting to get married after less than one year of dating but I told him I didn’t even want to think of it until I at least got my RN at the minimal for education. He waited to propose until just before the last semester of my program and we didn’t start wedding planning until after finals. Now that I’ve passed boards and have a great job and he is stable in his career and we own a home together, marriage is something that we felt ready for. I’m 22 and he is 24 and we’ve been together 4 years as well. It just felt right for us. Every relationship is different and you just have to play it by ear and do what you two feel is best. I personally don’t think you’re rushing after dating for so long and being in your mid-20’s but that’s my opinion. I have a friend who is 24 and she decided to get married to a guy after dating for 2 weeks. Now THAT’s rushing.

Post # 6
Member
2207 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

Mlim:  i would think that after so long together, this would’ve been part of the convo before, so i def don’t think you’re rushing him.  i’d maybe try to get some reasons- are there some milestones in his life he wants to achieve first? if so, that makes sense (like get a better job, buy a house, etc). if it’s just an age thing then i’d be confused.  i told my DH (boyfriend at the time) that i had wanted to be married by 27. it was totally out of what i had envisioned for my life, wanting to enjoy being married for at least 3-4 years before having kids, etc. and we ended up getting married right before i turned 27 lol. i might have rushed him a bit pre-proposal, but then we had a long engagement and he had time to feel totally ready to get married by that time.

Post # 7
Member
885 posts
Busy bee

Honestly 25 isnt that young but theres no right or wrong age to get married. Think honestly why do you pick that age range? Is it because you dont feel ready or just because that is the age that most people get married? Alot of people put off getting married until they hit a certain age because they feel like they need to be ‘adult’ enough. But honestly being an adult is about taking responsibility, not reaching a certain age. Some people are ready at 18  and others arent ready until 40. Just re-assess why you feel you need to be that age. If is genuinely because you arent ready yet then that is okay but don’t wait for the sake of being a certain age. After 3.5 years you are hardly rushing into marriage. 

Post # 8
Member
1424 posts
Bumble bee

I was thinking about this more … you’ve both left a pretty broad range too.  For getting married at 27 you’re basically looking at a proposal within the year and then a year of wedding planning.  For getting married at 32 you’re talking about waiting 5 or 7 years for a proposal. 

Post # 9
Member
583 posts
Busy bee

Do you know of any particular reasons why he chose the 27-32 age range? Do you have any particular reasons for choosing the 27-30 age range? If you don’t know his reasons for the age range he picked, it’s best to ask. Discussing these reasons – both yours and his – is important, even if they don’t seem like a big deal. Sometimes the smallest details that appear to be of no consequence are actually the details that need to be paid attention to the most, especially when it comes to proposals and marriage. Read more: http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/do-our-expectations-of-when-to-marry-line-up/#ixzz3G3092NE8

 

Post # 10
Member
2566 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

The way you described things reminded me of my friend in her relationship…. I feel like she’s stuck in a limbo and many other things (his friends and family) come before her.  Can I ask the dynamics of your relationship?

Is it difficult to have alone time?  When you two are together, are you typically with other people?  Do you live together or have plans on living together?  Do you have your degrees, working on degrees, or have desires of getting degrees?

He may not be ready… but he also sounds like he’s not serious.  He could be, but it sounds like his focus is not on the relationship and the future.

Post # 11
Member
481 posts
Helper bee

Mlim:  The people on those forums sound like jackasses, frankly. What, do they think that as soon as you get the marriage license, you’re issued a mortgage, a minivan, and a pack of kids? Marriage is what you make of it: it can be boring and tedious, or it can be a fantastic adventure with the person you love most. Sorry, but that’s a pet peeve of mine.

Like a few others said, there’s no formula or perfect timeline – it’s best to let it happen organically. You and your partner seem to be pretty close to the same page. I do think waiting until he’s 32 would be silly, though. Really, nearly a decade?! Hitting a certain age won’t magically make him ready for marriage. I pretty much agree with KateA17 there.

I do wonder if he wants to reach any certain milestones before marriage. It’s a mindset that I don’t like: there will always be a better job, another promotion, a better house, whatever, out there. If you’re going to wait for everything to be “perfect” before getting married, you might as well wait until you’re 90. There will always be more ducks to put in a row, and there’s nothing wrong with doing that together, with your partner. It’s unfair to your partner to hold off on marriage because of the ego boost whatever milestone will give you.

Post # 13
Member
2566 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

Honestly, I would say that you two are on the right track, especially since you’re talking about waiting to have a place of your own for two years or so… Don’t worry about when it will happen at this point, but let him know when YOU want to be married by.  Don’t let him have all the say.

 

Also – my comment about whether you two get time alone came from your comment saying, “We had a great date night, just the two of us. No family or friends…” making it seem like a rare occurrence.

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