- 3 years ago
- Wedding: October 2014
I am not referring to any one of my posts or anothers specifically, just posts that I’ve seen on the bee and on other websites in general that concern me.
When hearing of high divorce rates I always thought it was because people just made a mistake marrying and rushed things, but after seeing some advice people give I am starting to wonder if people just don’t want to put the work into stuff. For example:
1) A wife/gf gets called a bitch – people recommend to dump/divorce the guy because she deserves so much better
2)Fertility problems and one partner wants to give up – divorce because the other deserves a partner willing to do anything
3) Someone gets fired – breakup/divorce because they are lazy and can’t bring in money
This is just some of the general stuff I see and it shocks me that some people jump to recommend giving up on everything without even trying to work it out or therapy. I just have a comment to make on each one and I look forward to how other people view these issues and what should be done before they just end it.
1) My parents always called eachother names, and bitch isn’t that bad of a thing. FI and I shoot names back at eachother when we are upset and most often we both deserve to be called what we are. It is sometimes the only way to get a point across. It is great to always sit down and say “I feel that your behaviour is very hostile and disrespectful for X reason” but sometimes just saying “You are being a bitch” gets the point across and the word itself can be effective. But I think saying that your SO can’t call you anything is going too far – no one is so good that they should never be called a name. However, I do hold exceptions for things like “whore” just because it would imply a lack of trust and cheating instead of a comment on behaviour. Even then, therapy would be a must before just ending a relationship over name calling.
2) Fi and I already had this talk – we are not marrying eachother to have kids – we are marrying eachother to be with the other for the rest of our lives. Having kids is not the dealbreaker for us if we are having difficulty having one. FI is not comfortable with more invasive methods while I am not comfortable with adoption. We are both ready to accept that if we just can’t have kids then we’ll deal with it – we aren’t going to split up in hopes of remarrying and having kids with someone else. We have a joke that we made, “I am not marrying your penis, I am marrying you,” In this case too a lot of therapy and trying would be required before it is okay to end a marriage. I think the only exception here would be if one person suddenly decides they don’t want kids at all and doesn’t even want to try – then there would still be therapy in my mind before a divorce is even considered.
I also think this: So your are going to divorce your husband/wife of X years, spend X amount of time dating, hopefully get married again in X years, and then try again with the chance you still won’t have any children? Are you going to do the same thing all over again if it doesn’t work as if your partner is just a baby ticket?
3) FI and I have already been through this and I was shocked with friends/family who said I should just dump him after 4 years together because he lost a job. A job is not the be all end all of a marriage/relationship and if the other is trying to find work you can’t just abandon them. I think it is a time where you can work together or even be able to enjoy the other having time off instead of hating eachother the entire time. Even look into starting a business or something instead of thinking after the first week of unemployment that you need to leave them! This too is something that people should just recommend therapy for instead of just saying dump/divorce!
So these are just my opinions and I want to know what other bees think because to me it just seems like people see a breakup/divorce as something trivial and they aren’t actually marrying their SO for the right reasons.