Do Second (or Third) Time Brides Register?

posted 10 years ago in Gifts and Registries
Post # 3
Member
8 posts
Newbee

All the etiquette books say you shouldn’t register, but honestly – I would if I were you. My friend was in a similar situation, she had been married for 2 years when she was in her early 20’s, got divorced, and 12 years later was getting remarried. Her husband had never been married before and they registered, despite her fears regarding propriety and etiquette.

First, people will want to get you a gift. Second, you can do so in a more discreet manner than most first time brides. You can create a registry and instead of actively letting people know (ie link to website in invitations that contains registry info) let people know when they ask you directly whether or not you are registered. I think it’s totally appropriate. 

Post # 4
Member
438 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2008

don’t be offended – but I had to go to a shower for someone’s second marriage – I thought it was horribly tacky…..are you having another shower?  I had gone to the first and second.  I think it really just depends on who was at the first wedding, if they will all be at the second, some might not like it.  However, since you didn’t mention a shower, I assume you are not having one.  Which is good.  I think you can register for some things, but not a full-blown registry, you know?  Also, most people will give you wedding gifts regardless of how many marriages its been.  Most likely cash too, which is good! 

Post # 5
Member
286 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2007

I think you should have a registry.  Some people would rather give gifts than cash.  Plus, your FH has a right to wedding gifts as much as the next groom! 

Post # 6
Member
95 posts
Worker bee

I think it’s tacky…. (having attended a 2nd marriage of a family members recently).

It’s fine to have a wedding and get gifts (we’ve decided to ask for charitable donations as I don’t really agree with gifts at all, but I agree it’s socially acceptable to do it once) but I think it may be excessive for your friends/family to give you 2 rounds of presents. Take for example your single friends/family, those who may not/have not gotten married – they will have given you 2 gifts (if you ask for gifts this round) while you have given them nothing….

The wedding is to celebrate the union of two people, not to get gifts. While your FI hasn’t been married before he can still enjoy the marriage and the celebration. The gifts shouldn’t really be that large of a part of your day.

I would say "best wishes only" on the invitation. Or ask for charitable donations if you think people will want to give something. You seem like you’re settled away and don’t really need the gifts…

 that’s my opinion 🙂

Post # 7
Member
2293 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2008

I actually disagree – or think it depends.  I have never been married; my FI was married once before – 20 years ago.  Theoretically he has gotten his, as far as wedding gifts go.  I haven’t, and don’t think I somehow don’t deserve the same as any first-timer just because my future spouse has been married before.  (What, do I just get all the hand-me-down 20-year old crap his ex left behind?) I agree that if the guest list for our wedding was the same as for his first wedding, those folks might feel he was double-dipping.  However, his few friends from way back then who are invited to this wedding are the guys who are throwing his bachelor party (and also threw his last one) – and their wives are hosting a shower for me.  Somehow I think that if their attitudes were the same as legallyengaged, that wouldn’t actually be happening.

I think that the people who are actually happy for you for finding each other are going to want to buy you a present.  For the folks who feel like they have already given – let them give you a nice card.  Or if they feel the whole second or third wedding thing is really annoying and tacky, maybe they can just stay home. 

Post # 8
Member
133 posts
Blushing bee

It sounds like what you really need to baby stuff rather than the household things people typically give for weddings, am I right? I would start a baby registry somewhere like Target and add a few typical wedding things that you really need along with the baby gear. If people ask if you’re registered, you have somewhere to direct them but you’re not asking for a second round of wedding presents.

Post # 9
Member
95 posts
Worker bee

I just wanted to clarify what I said so that you wouldn’t be offended.

I think it’s wonderful that you are getting married again, and as a friend or family member of yours I would be trilled to attend you wedding and celebrate with you.

I guess I just don’t equate having a wedding to receiving gifts. I think having a wedding is a time where you unite with another person, often in the presence of your friends/family, and then you celebrate. I just think that having your friends celebrate with you should be enough of a gift.

I’m sure most people at your wedding will probably give you a gift anyways as you said they did not attend your first wedding. But if I were you I may casually mention to those that have attended you previous wedding something about how you’re not expecting them to give you another gift that may help avoid any potential problems.

Post # 10
Member
75 posts
Worker bee

Personally, I don’t see why your FH should be punished since you had a first marriage that didn’t work out. You guys are starting a new life together, and presumably you want to pick out your own stuff, not just use what was leftover from your first marriage. I think it is okay to register, but I would be kind of low-key about it. Have your mom/wedding party spread the word. 

Yes, your family gave you gifts before, but I’m guessing that your ex ended up with some of the wedding gifts, right? Plus it seems as if people get upset/confused if you do not register and assume you are fishing for cash, or you will end up with a bunch of random things. As someone else said, some people are going to give you gifts anyway, so it is better to have some sort of guideline in place.

 

Post # 11
Member
2293 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2008

I guess I would think that, were I a guest who had attended your previous wedding and also somehow of the mind that I would come eat your food and drink your alcohol and begrudge you a second gift, I actually wouldn’t call to see what you need.  If people like that do call, you should certainkly acknowledge their past generosity.  And if they seem truly interested in sending a gift, you can tell them what you need or direct them to your registry like any other guest.  There is an art to graciously accepting the good wishes of another – and while that doesn’t include expecting a gift, it is ingracious in its own way to insist that people not bring a gift if they would really like to.

Post # 12
Member
1 posts
Wannabee
  • Wedding: September 2008

As a second-time bride myself, with a first-time groom, I have consulted several etiquette authorities on this point.  Miss Manners (my personal favorite) AND Emily Post’s granddaughter or whoever has taken over for her BOTH say that you SHOULD register.

This is not because anybody "owes" you a gift in exchange for anything — your hospitality, the honor of the invitation, etc.  But hey, maybe they’d like to help you celebrate by getting you a gift.  Why rain on their parade?  It’s not as if you’ll be advertising your registry, right?  The information will simply be available to those who ask, and the registry is, as Miss Manners points out, really intended to help people who feel moved to generosity, to make it easier on them to find something for you. 

And what I keep telling myself is: just because you’ve done it before doesn’t mean it shouldn’t be AT LEAST as much fun this time. 

Post # 13
Member
110 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I know a girl getting married about 3 years after her first marriage. She only got divorced about a year ago. She posted her wedding website already and the fact that she had a registry on there makes me feel bad for her family. They already got her something the first time around, she shouldn’t make them do this again, especially just 3 years later. I’m only a “facebook friend”, we did some things together in college, and I haven’t talked to her since her first wedding, but I still thought it was tacky even though I thought she was a nice person.

Post # 13
Member
1 posts
Wannabee

It depends.  If the bride was married before, but didn’t have a wedding or any gifts given, then a second marriage is more like a first marriage if the second marriage consists of a ceremony and/or gift giving, and it doesn’t seem strange to give a gift in this circumstance.

Then there are the perpetual, gift-loving brides.  The women who have been ceremoniously married multiple times, and happily encourage gift-giving everytime.  It creates inequity because by getting married multiple times, one is rewarded as though they’ve accomplished some major life feat, when really, all perpetual brides (or grooms) do is have multiple failed relationships, and jump into new marriages without resolving their personal issues first, so as to avoid [subjecting others to] the same mistakes over and over.  Sorry, but multiple (esp. anything over two) marriages are not gift-worthy events.

Post # 14
Member
1352 posts
Bumble bee

 

Are you registering for your baby? If yes, then I would say no to wedding registry.

Post # 15
Member
3558 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

This thread is 9. Fucking. Years. Old.

angela76 :  You should not bump threads this old. Pointless.

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