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My son is getting married in mid-September of this year. My husband and I were so happy to hear about the wedding and we are looking forward to celebrating the marriage of our son.
We are financially contributing to the wedding and the bride's parents told us that we would not be able to have our own guest list. Only the bride's parents, the bride and our son will be allowed to invite guests and they are splitting the list three ways.
The bride's father is paying for a destination wedding where he is paying for two nights hotel accomodations for all of the guests, a welcome dinner and of course, the reception.
They asked us to pay for the rehearsal dinner but we didn't think that it made sense for us to host one since there's going to be a welcome dinner already taking place and we also didn't choose to have such an extravagant wedding abroad. We are also asked to pay for the bar and the flowers for the reception.
I asked if I would be able to invite a few of my friends and they told me that the only way that we would be able to do this was if we paid for our guests dinners at both the welcome dinner and the wedding reception and that we would have pay for any of the activities and tours that are taking place during the wedding weekend.
This seems a little bit unreasonable to us. We would like to have a few our friends to be able to attend the wedding as our son is our only child but it seems like the only way that we're going to be able to do this is if we spend a lot of money.
Is this the norm? Do the grooms parents not get a guest list for destination weddings unless they are financially contributing?
No, that's not the norm! I can't imagine excluding the groom's family like that--contribute to the cost of the wedding, but don't invite anyone unless you also pay per plate? I've never heard of this. It is understandable that the bride's family, who seem to be shouldering most of the expenses, would want to limit additional guests, but to not allow you any seems unusually harsh.
Hmmmm, that does sound a little weird. My future in-laws are contributing, but even if they weren't, I would let them invite people. I think it's okay to have a limit on many people you can invite, but I think it's rude to say that you can't invite anyone.
Wait, they are paying for the whole wedding? Including activities and stuff for all "their" own guests?
This sounds like a move my parents tried to pull. So we declined their money.
I think it's the right thing to do to have everybody have a guest list. I dont' think it's fair to say "well i'm paying so we get to invite all OUR family and friends, but none of the groom's side fo the family" cuz I just think that's bad manners. Even if they ARE paying.
My parents did this. They'd pay for X, Y, Z, but not my husband's family. So we said "no" to their money. It felt wrong to take it, knowing the strings attached.
While it's still wrong, if your son is going to accept their money along with his new FI, they need to talk to the brides' parents about being more reasonable.
Now, you ARE financially contributing. You are paying for the bar and flowers. Bar for HIS guests. I don't see why he has to pay for the accomodations for all the guests. What happened to guests paying their own way for the hotel when they go to a destination wedding?
Is it super small? While I tend to agree that whoever pays gets more pull in the way of the wedding, I don't think it's right to use money as a way to alienate the families and make it so that only one side of the family actually attends the wedding.
You didn't choose the extravagant abroad wedding, but your son and his FI did. What is their take on it? If i was the bride, I simply woudln't (and didn't) allow this to happen b/c it's simply financial manipulation. You can be gracious as parents and host the wedding, but if it's at the expense of the other family/groom's parents, I think it's downright rude.
That sounds strange. I don't really understand why this even sounds ok to everyone else. Maybe they assume your son and your guest list would be one in the same? That would be the only justification I could see. If that isn't the case, I think you'll have to address it directly. There should be no reason their guests have more value than yours!
Wow, at least there are clear communication lines open. :)
Umm not sure how you are supposed to deal with this. It seems like there should be a way for you to compromise with them, but given their list of demands I'm not sure.
Good luck!
Everyone should be able to invite at least a certain number of people, I think...
Wow. I think the bride's family is being a bit ridiculous and unreasonable. You should be able to invite a few people - it is your son's wedding after all. So are you not paying for anything at all? You said that they basically told you what you were going to pay for but you didn't say whether or not you agreed to it (except for the rehearsal dinner). The one thing I will say is that it is assumed the groom's parents host the rehearsal dinner. I don't understand this "welcome dinner" thing, though. When is the "welcome dinner" in relation to the wedding?
I can see how, if you aren't paying a dime for anything wedding-related except your own expenses (flights/hotel/etc.), the bride's family would have more right to tell you you have no input on the guestlist. Other than that, though, I think it's really unreasonable. You can't fault THEM for the fact that it is a destination wedding. That's probably what your son and his FI wanted.
Edit: I reread this and it sounds like I'm saying I agree with the bride's parents if you aren't paying for anything but I was just saying that that's the only reason I could think of that they would do that. I DO NOT think that it is the nice or right thing to do.
This seems weird to me. Doesn't your son want some of his family at his wedding? Our wedding will be my first chance for me to meet some of my fiance's family; and I could never imagine not inviting them.
Wow. Why is there even a groom at all if his family is treated like crap by the bride's family? Usually, the entire guest list is done by the bride and groom themselves, and in most cases, they pay for the wedding themselves too. What you are describing that they are doing is wrong on all levels. If the bride's family is allowed to have their own guest list on top of whomever the bride and groom plan to invite then the groom's family must have all the same privileges. The fact that you are paying for the wedding, whether all or a portion, automatically means that you get a final say. Whether the wedding is a destination affair or not, is moot.
But given their plans for a welcome dinner, there is no point in you hosting a rehearsal dinner as that is generally considered the same thing. Talk to the bride and groom, and put your foot down with her family as well and don't let anyone bully you as they are doing right now. If they still don't allow you any say or contribution beyond what they dictate to be acceptable in their minds, retract any finances you were intending to put toward this event. If they can't treat you with proper respect, then they don't deserve to receive any, however unfortunate it is that your son is caught in the middle of this manipulation game.
That's really odd. So the wedding is only the bride's family and friends of the bride and groom? This is when your son needs to stand up to his soon to be father in law and say that he wants his family at his wedding.
They asked us to pay for the bar and the flowers - we're not in a financial position to do so. The bride and my son wanted a small wedding with a little bit under 60 people.
The brides parents make a lot more money than we do and are able to afford to pay for all 60 guests to stay in a hotel, participate in a variety of activities for the weding weekend.
We just wanted to have a few of our friends there as well but they say that it is rude for us to expect them to pay for our friends. If they were getting married in the country that would be one thing but the bride wants a destination wedding in France and that's what her father is paying for.
My son agrees that me and his father should be responsible for paying for our own guests and that his in-laws should not have to pay for this.
We can afford to host something at home after the wedding - should we just organize our own reception? I don't want to cause any conflict but I am already beginning to feel left out of this whole process. I thought that they would have at least asked us whether or not we were okay with a destination wedding.
Wow - this sounds horrible...how come they are allowed to celebrate your child's marriage with their friends and you're not?! And you're paying for the bar for their guests? Sounds completely unacceptable to me. If they want to say you don't get a guest list, then they should be paying for the WHOLE thing. That's definitely not the norm. My inlaws offered to pay for their guests, which my parents graciously accepted, but my parents would have paid for them anyway (my guest list would have been shortened, not my parents' or my inlaws'). I feel so bad for you - your happy time shouldn't have to be spoiled by such a headache!
Wait, whoa - so the bride's parents are paying for all the guests' hotel rooms? That's just bizarre. I was assuming guests would pay for their own rooms. Wedding costs (food/beverage/etc. per person) is what I thought you meant when you said "paying for their guests" - this whole thing just got even crazier. Why don't your guests just pay for themselves like guests at normal weddings? Maybe I'm misunderstanding something here...
I find the whole situation weird but "I thought that they would have at least asked us whether or not we were okay with a destination wedding." This is your son's wedding and its obviously what he and his FI want.
I don't know, if you aren't in the position to pay for anything and all of the costs will be covered by the bride's parents maybe you could have your guests pay their way as I believe is accepted for most DW.
"We can afford to host something at home after the wedding - should we just organize our own reception?" Would your son want you to?
Maybe they were assuming your guestlist would be included in your son's guest list. How does your son feel about having the people at his wedding. If these are people he wants there then he should discuss it with his fiance.I personally feel as thought it is the bride and gooms ultimate decision on these things regardless of who is paying.
Maybe you could help with the welcome dinner since it will replacing the rehersal dinner. I would talk with your son and see if you could have a "planning meeting" and everyone can get on the same page.
im confused. who is the one who told you about this arrangement? the bride's parents or the bride and groom?
for example - my parents are paying a large majority of our wedding and FH and I are picking up the slack. His parents are paying for the rehearsal dinner.
when it came to the guest list, there is a set number total that can be invited (which my parents could afford) from that we kinda divided it by what percentage would be friends and what would be family.
dave and i sat down and did our OWN guest list, then asked for input from both our families about who they really would liek there as well, but the imput was from the bride and groom - not the parents from either side at all.
either way, the guest list should be a decision of the bride and groom with consideration for what the parents would also like, but ultimately its their day.
so what was proposed doesnt sound right.
i get if the brides parents want more slots since they are forking over more $$, but it should be somewhat equal.
it just sounds liek this is missing something? is this the whole story? how many total will there be and who made up the initial list? and who said this is "how it is?"
If you can't afford something, then you can't afford it. No one can force you to pay for it if you don't have the funds. If you have mentioned this to them and they refuse to listen, it's not your fault. You are not obligated to pay for those. Don't let anyone tell you it's traditional for the groom's family to pay for those because it isn't.
If you can afford to host a reception at home, go for it. I wouldn't worry about hurting her family's feelings because they don't give a damn about yours. Respect is a two way street and it has to be earned. They have made it known loud and clear that they don't want you involved at all in the destination wedding except what they dictate you do, which they have no authority in doing in the first place, so ignore them and plan your own party for your son and his wife. If they don't like it, too bad because it's karma coming back to bite them for how ridiculous and greedy they're being.
I guess I need a little more clarification.
Are the bride's parents paying for everything including accomodations and activities for all of the guests? If they are paying for everything, while it would be nice if they let you invite some people, they aren't really obligated to.
The bride's parents asked you to pay for the bar and flowers but do you plan on paying? If not...that gives you even less leverage.
How many people were you planning on inviting? It seems weird that your son doesn't just give you a few spaces off his guest list allotment so you can invite some people.
Lastly, from the sound of things, the parents are going to cover accomodations for any extra guests you invite, but you (or them) would be responsible for the welcome meal, reception meal, and any extra activities. Maybe if your guests paid their own way in terms of travel/accomodations/extra activities, the bride's parents will cover the cost of the two dinners. To me, this seems fair.
Hmm. Well, if your son agrees, your son agrees. It is too bad, though. But, people's pockets are only so deep. And people can be quite stingy with their money and while they may have lots of it, they are choosing to be so selective about it that they don't want to pay for your friends, too. Which, to an extent, I get (only b/c my parents are seriously the same way), but at the same time, I do not udnerstand b/c it's not "right".
Why can't the guests pay for their own accomodations?
Since the flowers/bar are beyond your means, I'd simply tell them, "you know, we cannot afford this" and pay your own way to the wedding (hotel or whatever). There will likely be ill-feelings though.
I agree, if they are going to pay for every single solitary dime, then they have more 'justification' to be like this with the guest list (altho still wrong IMO). But they're actually asking you for money. So i'd NOT put out any money!
A home reception is a nice option though, to allow the "unprivileged" a chance to celebrate with your son and daughter.
It's too bad the bride and groom didn't take their FAMILIES into consideration and the feasibility of everything, not just "oh daddy'll pay for this, let's do this!" because I really think it's a shame that the groom's family will be left out over the bride's dream destination wedding in france.
Wow, that seems a bit harsh!
You are definitely entitled to invite guests! Especially since you're paying for some of the wedding. You should have told her parents that they're guests will have to pay for their own alcohol and their own food at the rehearsal! (In my opinion!)
This wedding is just as much about you and your son as it is about them and their daughter. I think sometimes the brides family loses sight of that. Me and my mom have made every effort to include my FI's mom in the wedding planning.
Maybe you should have a chat with your son (and future daughter in law, depending on your relationship) and explain how this makes you feel.
I'm sorry they're being so snotty. Good luck!
Hmmm...since it's a destination wedding, the host does not neccesarily pay for the guests' accomodations and activities. I know plenty of destination weddings where the bride and groom only paid for the actually wedding reception and the guests had to cover their costs. With this being said, you should certainly be able to invite guests but they will need to pay for their own accomodations if you are unable to pay for them. The father of the bride has just decided to pay for his guests, but other should be more than welcome to attend. However your guests must have their wedding dinner paid for.
Sorry to post twice but I can completely see a bride posting on something like this. Here is how it would go:
My parents have graciously offered to pay for my dream wedding to France. They are paying for a welcome dinner, the ceremony and reception, plus other activies for the guests.
We asked my FIL to help with the cost of flowers and the rehersal dinner and they said no. Now my FMIL is asking how many people she gets to invite. How would you approach this?
Sorry to go off topic, but I could completely see this being an actual post on here, and I do think there are many of them:)
Oh no!!! That's definitely not the norm. And i may sound harsh in saying this, but this borders on rudeness.
First and foremost, you are paying for the bar and flowers. That's a contribution. And even if you were not paying anything, I just think that leaving you out like this is rude.
Maybe they got pissed that you didn't want to do the rehearsal dinner? You should talk to you son and see how he feels about this.
Good luck
I think holding a reception at home would be a nice gesture. What does your son and his FI think about it? I also think it's a little strange that you can't invite anyone to the wedding. Are the bride's parents paying for your accomodations as well? No offense, but I think the bride seems kind of spoiled. She wants a destination wedding in France, and doesn't care if nobody else can come or not, then expects you to pay for bar and flowers? It's unfortunate you can't pay for it, but I would just be honest and tell them you can't afford it. If the brides parents can afford to put up all the guests, I wouldn't think paying for the bar and flowers would be that much more. Did your son discuss at all with you about the destination wedding before they decided on it?
@candy....she is not paying for part of the wedding....
@Mother...it's not the best position to be in but is it possible that the guests can pay their own way. It's nice that the FOB is doing it for the majority of the guests but it's definitely not something he has to do. I guess I am more curious about why your son can't just give you some of his guest list since based on the division of 60 guests...he has 20 slots. You say you only want to invite a few people so it shouldn't make that big of a dent. Maybe have a talk with him and see how that goes.
I know people are making comments about the parents of the bride being wrong but we don't know what all went into their decision. They may have told the bride and groom that if they want a wedding in France this is what they will be able to do and this is the max number of people they can afford...no more. I am sure that the parents aren't MAKING the couple get married in France. I think that the bride and groom saw the opportunity to have a dream wedding and jumped at it with no regard for the consequences.
yeah after reading the MOG second post - it seems more reasonable for what the brides parents want. if they are footing the bill for 60 guests at a destination wedding in france.. yeah i think they do have the right to say "sorry if you want more people than that you have to pay for them" thats alot of $$.
if you would like to have a wedding at home thats not destitnation, offer to throw a small reception for your son and his new bride when they get back - its cheaper for you to throw, and you get to invite who you want. otherwise, with the extra info, it seems reasonable for what the bride's family wants. thats alot of $$ for them to put up for this wedding.
The brides family is allowing us to invite 10 relatives as that's how many people from their family they are going to have. Their guest list consists of their business associates and friends which is the same for my son and future daughter in law.
I thought it would be nice to have just a few friends who have watched my son grow up participate in the festivities as well. The brides parents will have their friends there so why shouldn't we?
I am thinking that I will just organize a reception back home for after they come back from their honeymoon.
They asked us for money because they said that the rehearsal dinner, alcohol and flowers were the responsibility of the grooms parents. When we said that we wouldn't be able to pay for any of those things, then they told us that they would pay for everything but that we would not get to invite any of our friends.
My future daughter in law's mother said that the groom's parents get to invite a few family members but beyond that we would not be permitted to invite any of our friends because we are unable to make a financial contribution towards the wedding and will not be co-hosting the wedding weekend.
I would like for us to pay for the alcohol and the flowers but given the fact that the currency in Europe is worth more than ours and the bride has expensive taste in flowers, I know that we cannot afford to meet their expectations.
I think it would be a really nice gesture to hold an at-home reception after the wedding! My parents ended up doing this for my husband and me because we were paying for the wedding and just couldn't afford to invite everyone on their guest list. My parents had two friends at the wedding, and then they invited everyone else to an at-home reception later that summer. It ended up working out perfectly!
I think it's different if you're asking to invite friends (acommodations, etc) on their dime if you don't pay for any of the wedding and another to be given the chance to invite them (and only have their wedding reeption dinner paid for).
How many people are you talking about?
Now, is this family or friends of yours? Do they know your son well?
You know, this reminds me of that limo post we had a few weeks ago where everyone mostly agreed it was the bride's parents right (as they were paying) to provide limos for only their half of the guests while teh groom's family hoofed it to the reception.
Er, wait wait wait! People seem to be misreading here.
As I understand it the groom's family IS being invited and all of their expenses are being covered by the bride's family.
The wedding is only 60 people. Once you subtract the families from this 60 number and the friends of the bride and groom how many slots are left? I would guess very few. If this is the case it sort of makes sense that these few slots go to the friends of bride's parents who are paying for everything.
How many times have we read posts on weddingbee about a groom and bride who want to keep their wedding small and their parent's are pushing for them to invite friends of the parents that they don't even know even though the parents aren't paying for anything?
From the OP it sounds like this was all handled badly and rudely, though of course we don't have all of the details.
Question for the OP, are none of your friends in the guest list at all? Or is the groom inviting some old family friends?
Are you and the groom and bride on good terms?
I'm sorry it sounds like you aren't being treated well by your son but I believe there is very little anyone is entiteled when it comes to weddings. Wedding are luxuries.
Who are the people that your son is inviting? Perhaps the brides parents assumed they would be some of the people you would want to invite? How much are the flowers and the bar that you are expected to pay? I'm not too sure about any of this, it sounds quite strange to me, but I'd surely call the parents and talk to them and tell them you feel it isn't proper for xyz not to be invited and ask how much it would cost to cover their share. I also think it's insane for them to pay for all of the guests accommodation honestly but to each his/her own.
@mrskesslertobe, that is why they say there are always two sides to every story but you only ever hear one side and are expected to make your judgement from just that one side. It sounds like the OP has tried to reason maturely with the bride's parents but they won't be swayed because they have their own agenda, which is wrong in how they are going about it. As for your hypothetical scenario, there are any number of reasons why the FILs might refuse to pay for something. But that doesn't make them evil, though some would want you to believe that it does. Some people tend to turn a blind eye to the fact that not everyone is made of money, especially in the current economy, and they think that a wedding has to be a certain dollar amount minimum or else it isn't valid or nice and they completely lose sight of why they are having a wedding in the first place. Meanwhile other people tend to be self-absorbed and don't care about anyone else around them, no matter what the situation is, and unfortunately they can only change if they make a conscious decision to do so.
@Motherofthegroom, that seems bizarre that her father's business associates are part of the guest list. Do they even know her or want to attend this? Basically random strangers are more important than the groom's family? That is wrong too. Either way, accommodations are the responsibility of the guests themselves. If her family is made aware of this, then perhaps they might have money leftover for guests on his side.
A few things...
1) re: the rehearsal dinner. If they're hosting a welcome dinner, then that kind of negates the rehearsal dinner because they are usually the same thing. So I don't know why they are pushing on that.
2) I've never heard of anyone paying for accomodations and activities for EVERYONE attending a destination wedding, but it's their money and I guess they can do what they want with it. Usually for destination weddings, guests pay their own way. However, IMO, it is rude that if FILs have that much money to throw around, they can't accomodate a couple of your friends.
3) Can your friends afford to fly to France even if their accomodations are paid for? Can they afford to pay for flight and accomodations if FILs don't budge on this?
4) Edit/addition: Can you contribute $XXXX amount of money towards the wedding even if it doesn't cover flowers/alcohol? Then you would at least be contributing...
Maybe you should talk to the bride to be about what she wants before you judge the situation with the flowers. The fact that they are paying for your family members even though you aren't contributing is very generous. If you want YOUR friends tocome then either you or your friends should pay.
ALso talk to to your son and his future wife and see if they would want a reception at home. Sometimes people have destination weddings to avoid those types of events and it would go against their wishes. Otherwise I think that would be a very nice compromise.
yeah - MOG - with the extra info, it sounds like what they are asking is fair.
traditionally the groom's family takes care of rehearsal dinner, and in some circles its customary to do alcohol and flowers as well - so it sounds like these folks are traditionalists.
and while they seem to have a ton of money to do this DW in france, it also sounds like they have a set amount that they can spend hence the "if you cant pick up flowers and alcohol, then we cant have any other additional folks" so they might not have tons and tons of money to play with that you might think they do.
the best solution here is to organize a celebration reception for folks back home when the bride and groom get back.
Ok now that you've reposted, I'll respond.
With a 60 person guest list, I think that 10 relatives for the grooms' side is relatively reasonable. Grandparents, aunts, uncles, right? Not too many extended family members would actually buy that pricey of a plane ticket unless they were close. It's a lot of money!
The bride's family is also having 10 relatives/friends. So the majority of the rest of the guests (40) are probably the bride and grooms' choice. So the way I see it, you get 10 invitations. You can invite friends or family basically. But you get 10 invitations.
I think, since you are not able to financially contribute to the wedding at all, you should just keep mum and be grateful that they are hosting such a nice wedding for your son, also. They are paying for your food, your activities, and also your accomodations that weekend. A ticket to Europe should be around $1,000--keep an eye on them and it shouldn't be too exhorbantly expensive.
Are you sure the bride has such lavish expectations? I'm sure if you approached her and said, "i'd love to help, but I can only afford $500 american dollars for your flowers, etc". You could just give her some money to help out if you want to contribute (but not necessarily cover the whole thing).
It sounds reasonable to me that you get 10 invitations, as the bride's family is also getting 10. yes it would be nice to have your friends there, too, but I think it makes sense to me that the bride's family does not want to be MORE generous than they already are being. I'm sure they have a budget, also. And that budget sounds like it's going towards a nice wedding for your son and their daughter.
Oops, my post showed up after other posts had already clarified what I talked about.
Also want to note that to me it does make sense to have both a welcome dinner and rehearsal dinner, I am doing that. This is because the a destination wedding has a lot of time and it is nice to give your guests several opportunities to get together during a weekend. Also I don't know how this couple is doing it but we are inviting everyone to a brunch and having a smaller rehearsal dinner so these are different events.
It doesn't sound like you can not afford the rehearsal dinner so you refusal to do this when they asked you to because you decided it wasn't necessary might have ruffeled feathers and made the groom and bride less likely to accomodate your requests. Of course if you can not afford to host a rehearsal dinner that's an completely different story.
If your son wants his mother's friends there that badly, he and his FI could always chip in a little more money, too.
My mother has had a friend for over 20 years...i've known her almost my whole life and she is like a 2nd mother to me. Called me on my brother's accident's anniversary to check on me, sends me text messages, etc. I really wanted her at my wedding and invited her. She stayed at my house w/ my mom b/c that was the only way she could afford the ticket.
It was important to me because it was so important to my mom, also. Does that make sense? does your son have a really strong bond with any of your friends the way I had with J?
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