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I think it's ok to be a little mad, but you did say his parents vacation seperately, so you have to understand where he is coming from. My parents vacation seperately sometimes too. So my and my FH would probably do the same. Normally when it's they vacation seperately, it's dad went deer hunting, and mom went to spend time with a relative or something. I think you guys should talk it over, so he understands where you are coming from, but it also sounds like this was a kind of fly by the seat of your pants vacation, so maybe you should cut him some slack for that. Also, it's good for guys to spend time with their brothers, my FH always comes back relaxed and excited to see me after he's spent some time with his brothers.
We haven't been married for too long, but I'm not against trips without the other, especially depending on the circumstance. I'd be upset if the only time off during the year was spent on seperate vacations, but if it's some bonus time that just happens to work out or only one is able to swing it or visiting friends, I don't think it's that big of a deal.
I see why you're upset though about being uninvited. That's a bit of a different story. I see why he did it if he wanted to visit his brother and money was tight but not really the best way to go about it.
You feel mad, and that's fine. You can't help how you feel!
However, I don't think this would bother me much. I think what would bother me is the amount of time he's gone. I would have put up a little fight about that. BUT, I kind of like it when the hubs and I have some time apart. We haven't done it in a while, but we talk about how it's sometimes good for the relationship to be apart. It just makes us miss each other that much more :)
This winter, I'm planning a trip to my hometown to spend some quality time with my sister who I very rarely get to see anymore (and relationships with siblings is important to both of us), and my husband will stay home. We're fine with it, but it's just three days (a long weekend), and we discussed it beforehand.
I'd be mad if i were in that situation....but yes, we've vacationed separately. I went to Vegas for a bachelorette party, but my whole trip was under $500. We like the idea of getting all our friends together to do a big cruise together versus girls' cruise and boys' cruises, but I wouldn't not allow him to go with his buddies if it was, say, a special occassion versus just a vacation. If my husband had a brother though, who was single, I guess I could see something like this taking place. Although if he promised me a ticket first i'd be livid!
My dad has gone on fishing trips before and not brought my mom. It never upset her--she was like "yay i get a week free!" and he got to fish and be all fishy and nasty and stinky all week like a bum.
I could see myself doing a spa retreat with my mom someday as a vacation and not bringing the husband...i don't have to bring him everywhere I go!
I understand how you feel. Before we were married hubby went on several vacations without me. One was early in the relationship and the others were later when we owned a house together and were more serious. Most of them were "Guys Only Trips" and one was a group trip that I couldn't go on b/c I'm not Jewish. I went away ONCE without him for a weekend.
Honestly, I absolutely HATED that he did that. Rationally, I know he loves me and wasn't trying to escape from me or anything but I still hate it!! The "Boys Only" thing is an annual trip organized by one of his friends. Last year he didn't do it b/c we were saving for the wedding. I'm thinking that now that we are one financial unit, these things will stop or be less frequent, or else I'll be going on a shopping spree every time he take a trip.
The only trip I wouldn't be upset about are bachelor parties and things like that, only b/c I think as a GM, you should do whatever the groom wants if you can afford it and they are sort of "once in a lifetime".
I'd be upset, too, but it doesn't sound like he intended to hurt you. I think you should just let him know that the whole situation hurt your feelings and that he'd better not do anything like that again!
That said, I sometimes go on trips without my husband. Once before we were married and I've got another one planned for March. It's not that he doesn't want to go, but usually he doesn't get as much time off as me. I don't think it hurts his feelings, but I do always let him know that he's invited if he wanted to come.
I would be upset about the "you're invited, wait no you aren't" thing, but wouldn't be mad if my DH wanted to go somewhere with a brother who had an engagement called off recently.
I would prefer to always vacation with DH. But, I know that given his chosen profession (doctor), there will probably be times when I spend time with my family (sister, mom, even girlfriends) alone, because he has to work. I think it all depends on the situation. If DH wanted to go away for a weekend bachelor party or weekend of skiing with his guy friends, I wouldn't be upset. I don't think either of us would take a "big vacation" without each other, but who knows.
Oh, once we were first dating, the Dude almost did something like this to me. We'd been together for 3 months, and he invited me on a trip with him to visit his friend, but the trip was like 6 or 7 months in the future. I was really touched that he'd invited me, and I said yes, of course I want to go. Well, a few months pass, and he FORGETS that he invited me. He starts talking about when he's going to go, blah blah, not taking into my account that I am in school and have finals to take. I told him that it was totally not cool, and we both ended up going, but the thought that he'd forgotten that I was supposed to go really hurt my feelings.
Bummer! Definitely explain to him how you feel so he can see where you're coming from!
We often vacation separately and that won't change when we're married. Often it's a money thing but sometimes he goes away with his friends, me with mine...I never thought twice about it, actually.
Hopefully he brings you home a GOOD souvenir!!
I would be little miffed. First, he uninvited you; then, he reinvited you only to univite you again! That's kinda rude...
Also, I wouldn't want my husband to vacation without me. I'm fun! I have a lot to offer on a vacation! I actually had to go to Vegas earlier this fall for a work conference, and I didn't like that either. Even though I got to catch up with some friends who live down there, it was a little lonely. I'd much rather us vacation and travel together whenever possible. My parents and my in-laws vacation separately, but I don't think it's right for our relationship.
I would be upset in your situation, it sounds like a big miscommunication. If he asked you and you said yes, then he doesn't buy you a ticket because of the price of his, I would be upset.
However we do vacation separately sometimes. Like most other posters, I prefer to vacation with my husband. But we don't like to do all of the same things. I am going to CO in February to go skiing with some family members. He tried skiing last year and was NOT a fan (nor was he any good...but that is neither here nor there). So this Feb., he'll enjoy the condo to himself and I'll enjoy my family and getting to spend sometime with my niece and nephew and skiing!
I think we would do this, but it hasn't come up yet. I think being a long distance couple has really helped us be more on the independent side of things though :)
I think it's really important that you talk through this with your husband, ideally before he leaves. I don't think it's bad of him to go without you, but the fact is that it's hurting your feelings, and that's not okay.
Personally Im not crazy about the idea of vacationing with out eachother. Were busy alot and dont get many vacations. Anytime we get away I want to be with my FI because hes my best friend. We enjoy being around eachother so much and I dont see the point of goin on fun vacations with out eachother. Also, I think I saw my parents do their own thing alot and it made them very divided, but it was also because they didnt truely enjoy eachothers company. In your case I would be alittle upset too, especially the whole uninviting you thing. Also I get he wants to spend time with his brother, but Im not really sure why he has to do it alone in vegas. The whole we dont have enough money thing is a little strange to me too personally. Why does he get to go but you stay at home because there isnt money? Anyways I know lot of people agree with vacationing seperately its just not my thing. Try to just stay calm and discuss your feelings when he gets back.
Well, we're not married yet, but there will be very few chances to travel together until he retires. I get 5 1/2 months off a year (I'm a prof) and he gets 5 days/year (oh Korean office culture!!) Since we've been dating I've been to China 2x, Japan 2x, the US 2x, Canada 4x, and in 10 days ... Hong Kong! In all of those trips, the only one we've been able to take together is the last Canada trip which was to introduce him to my family. Strangely, the 1 week he gets off/year, I'm almost always working, so he's been to Japan 3x without me! I would love love love to travel more together, but under the circumstances, I've learned how to travel by myself and/or with friends.
I do however think that how he handled the 'invited...but oh now you're not' situation was not very nice. If he hurt your feelings, then that is something that needs to be discussed. Lots of people holiday without their SO, but you shouldn't have to feel excluded from a vacation.
How odd?! M and I had this conversation yesterday. A friend of mine's ex went on vacay with his best friend and his best friend's wife but NEVER MENTIONED that he was leaving or anything. I asked M about it and he was like why would i want to go be with my best friend's wife and him? ANd he was like of course you'd be invited. With that being said, I'd have no problems at all with him going on a boys trip or something like that. He however has a problem with me going on a girl's trip to SOBE! Isn't that hilarious?!
I have a strange question though, if his brother just broke it off with his ex fiance, he could have unconsciously been trying to protect his brother from seeing the newlyweds all lovey dovey.
I've gone on trips to visit family alone, if my husband can't get the time off work, and he takes a trip once a year to a cabin with all his guy friends from undergrad. We don't take big vacations apart though (trips longer than a weekend).
Hubby is gonna visit family next month and invited me to go too (down to TX) but work didn't allow me to =(
I'm in grad school, with no real set schedule, and FI has up to two weeks off a year (and his work is only closed on Christmas and Thanksgiving). So yes, we often travel separately. I've gone home, gone to meet my family for a vacation, and gone abroad for a few weeks to do work (I study France). He spends a week every year with his best friend at a concert/camping thing. While we're a couple, for sure, we're also still two individuals and it's never been a problem that we use our vacation separately at times. We see a lot of each other and not much of our family and friends, so vacation is mostly used to catch up with them.
We go on trips separately sometimes, and it's not a big deal. It doesn't sound like that is the issue here, but how you were uninvited/invited multiple times. That *does* rankle. I understand that he may have wanted to see his brother by himself, especially as his brother is newly single, but the whole handling of your presence on the trip should have been better.
1-2 times/year, he goes on training camps and events in which I can't participate - it allows him to spend time with his friends, and allows me to enjoy the house all by myself! But, never for a long period, and not too often!!
I would be upset, too! The only time we've been apart was when he went to a wedding, and I was unable to go due to not wanting to miss class. (We only meet 10x/semester.)
I used to think I'd still travel w/ my sister, who is my travel buddy, but the longer I'm married I'm just not sure I'd want to go w/o him...so, hopefully, she can find someone to share her room if the 3 of us go together. Honestly, I even feel a little guilty ditching her, but we tried to go on a trip w/ the 3 of us sharing a room and it was NOT a good dynamic!
Usually Vegas has good deals, so maybe you can compromise by saying if the ticket goes below "$x" then you can join in...if not, then no go.
I think it would depend on the length and nature of the vacation. A week of vacation with a family member wouldn't bother me at all. However, I have a married coworker who went on a 5 week trip to South American with his friend. Anything over a week OR anything in a foreign country would probably bother me.
I would probably be a little mad as well, or maybe just disappointed. But I'd express it, and leave it alone. I think given the fact that its his brother who may need him right now, its a different scenario. I don't really understand the vacationing alone thing either. Unless its something he more or less has to do and I can't make it. Or a bachelor party, lord knows that's no where for a woman! However, I have several friends that live out of town so I do visit them for weekends but its a girls weekend so he would never want to go, I don't even bother asking him. It works for our relationship to have activities separate from each other. Anyway, tell him he owes you a vacation!
I am not sure. All our major vacations we've taken together since we met. He has gone on one work trip though (missed my birthday too but it was mandatory) and he's taken the occasional man camping/fishing trip. I've heard what goes on during those, I wouldn't even want to witness it first hand.
I'd be pissed though if he went on a big vacation without me though because we can't afford really big vacations that often so if he used all our extra money or charged up our credit card or something like that to go off on a big fun trip without me than I'd be upset that I didn't get to go.
I'm not married yet, but we vacation separately and likely will still do so after we get married. He takes a golf trip with my dad and his buddies every summer, and I usually have an "adventure" with my sister every year. Additonally, I visit girlfriends in other cities for a weekend (I don't really consider that a vacation though)
My aunt and uncle take trips apart all the time! This is sooo foreign to me. Last month my uncle was in Ireland to "play golf" and my aunt stayed here.
They are financially stable but if the roles were reversed I wouldn't want to go on a big trip without my FH. i cant imagine experiencing Ireland without the love of my life. It just seems so weird to me.
Honestly though, I am scared of Vegas. I have seen what goes on there and I would feel very uncomfortable having my BF there without me. Call it insecurity if you will, but I know better than to put myself in a situation where something may accidentally happen lol
Thanks everyone. DH came home last night and we talked for a few hours. He said he uninvited me because he wanted to keep his brother from feeling uncomfortable and like a third wheel. I told him that I look up to his brother and treat him like my own big brother (we chat on facebook etc) and I would never make him uncomfortable. He was surprised to learn that me and his brother are friendly and said he realizes now that I should have been included on the trip. He brought me a box of pretty Macaron cookies and a t-shirt. He really feels terrible about it and he promised that he'll never un-invite me from a vacation again. It sounds like he felt so guilty on the trip that he really didn't even enjoy it. And to boot, his brother acted aloof and distant the whole time so they didn't even really get to bond too much anyway. What a mess.
@HoneyBear: Our situation was reversed! I went to Vegas last year without FI. Had a blast having a girls-only time!
I have no problem with FI going to Vegas by himself, but REFUSE to let him go with his brother. His brother spends thousands gambling and eggs on FI to spend as much as possible. I feel that's irresponsible and ridiculous.
I would be ok if my hubby wanted to go on a boys only trip - he's done it before, and every once in a while, you need some time with your friends. I would expect that he would provide the same courtesy to me if I wanted to do the same.
What bothers me about your hubby is that he invited you, then uninvited you. Fine...it turned out not to be a work trip and he wanted to be supportive of his brother. I would still be ok with that. But then he invited you AGAIN, and then uninvited you, AGAIN. That's crap! Don't get your hopes up a second time. I would be a little peeved at that too. It's not that he went on vacation without you, it's the way he went about it.
Being uninvited is not cool, so I'd be mad, too. As for vacationing separately, I think it depends on the couple and they are used to different things. I see my FI's parents and also his friends vacationing separately without their spouses, and to me, that's just weird. But I guess I feel that way because my parents and my friends never go anywhere without each other. I don't think it's unreasonable - it's just a difference.
I am glad that you talked to your FI and that he won't uninvite you again!
I WISH I could take a girls-only vacation!! My friends are are too joint-at-the-hip with their sig others. I get not wanting to take a once in a lifetime lavish, exotic or expensive trip sans-spouse, but I'm talking about a spa weekend somewhere or an overnight domestic beach trip.
We briefly talked about a 1-night spa trip for my bachelorette party and one of my BM asked what all the boys would be doing at the resort while we'd be getting mani/pedis. I'm not considering skipping the bachelorette thing all together.
*I should note my girl friends and I ALL live in different states.
Right now, I put down "we would never vacation separately." Considering we are in a LDR, anytime off or any vacations are spent seeing eachother. I have only seen FI 3 times since we were engaged 8 months ago, so I know if either one of us decided to vacation alone, the other one would be pissed, to say the least. Once we've been married awhile and have actually lived in the same city for a while, I'm sure we won't have a problem if it's a weekend gettaway with friends...but a whole week blown out vacation? Uh no....It's looking like we may not get our "real" honeymoon so over my cold and dead body would I let him go on a guys vacation before we ever got "our" vacation. lol
I can understand why you would be mad, but I also think that the circumstances in this case shouldn't cause you to be TOO upset over it. I often go to visit my mom or dad who live in separate states without my FI (I'm not sure if you would call that a vacation). For instance, I'm going to my mother's house this Christmas for about 5 days and will also be seeing some friends in the area. My FI says he wants to go (I think mainly because he feels guilty because I spend so much time with his family since they are local) but I frankly think that I would rather go by myself. I'm going to be doing a lot of "girl" things with my mom and I wouldn't mind seeing my friends alone anyway. In any event, I can understand your husband's reasoning for not including you. I think it's okay to be a little hurt, but don't get too worked up over it.
What stinks is that he invited, uninvited, invited and then again uninvited you, so I can totally understand that you're angry! Totally not cool behavior! But for us, while we'd both prefer not to make a very regular habit out of it, we do and have vacationed separately. At the two-year mark, I decided I needed to take a big international trip, and I wanted the chance to travel without a man with me, so a good friend and I went to Europe, and he decided to head to Canada and Seattle while I was gone... why should he stay home just because he's not with me? :) We'll probably continue to take vacations concurrently and separately every few years... although they will probably be smaller in the future (we both felt two weeks was too long to be apart again!). For the most part we'd rather take our vacations together, but once in awhile it's nice to feel like you can be your own person and go where you want to go, and travel the way you want to travel. ;)
I think I would be miffed by the back and forth and him not making up his mind. But at the same time, I think it's important for married people to maintain their friednships (including with family) outside of marriage. He simply won't have as much bonding time with his brother if you're there, and it may be important to him that he and his brother have some long stretches of time to talk. Every few years, I like to go on a "girls trip" or a trip with my mother, so I always make it clear to my husband that he's allowed to go on trips without me too (which he has -- with his brother and friends).
Since we have two dogs, and hate boarding them too often, we take seperate trips a lot. I go home every year during Easter, and he has yet to be able to accompany me. It's not because I don't want him to, its just because he has vacation time to worry about and I am usually gone during Spring Break. But, from what I understand, he seems to like a little time to himself.
Also, he goes out of town for work all the time, and I just use it as a chance to get some quality alone time.
I don't think he meant to hurt you but, especially with family, I can understand wanting to take the trip by himself.
It's definitely the way it happened that would irritate me, not that he did it (went on a vacation separately).
You should definitely have a converstaion about the way things went, and how you felt about it...stressing the method, not the fact that he went about canceling your trip. (and that you were invited first!)
My husband went on a 4 day road trip just a couple months after we were married to move his friend from a West coast law school to an East coast school (Yale, in case you've heard of it ;-) ). But we talked about it before hand...and I never had intentions (nor the ability) to go.
We've only been married for 6 months, so I'm not sure I can say what the norm will be. I would think the only time we would vacation separately is to see family or friends, and likely only in a situation where it was just impossible to both go.
I would have a problem with invite, uninvite,reinvite part, but not time with his brother. Even if he hadn't broke off his engagement, I still wouldn't have a problem. That's his brother. I can understand because I have a sister. She's my best friend.
Cannotwait- I feel the same way! My sister is my travel buddy. When I was single, she was who I went on all my vacations with! All my times out of the country (thus far) were with her. I am thinking of taking a cruise with her next summer though.
Such a foreign concept to me to take trips alone. I am seriously upset that hubs won't be able to come to MN with me in January. :( I like going home with him, but the dang army doesn't look very promising in the leave department. There will be a lot going on next month so he can't go anywhere. I have gone home alone before but he was on a training mission so he couldn't go and I was otherwise going to be home alone for a month. Anyway, the military does some crazy things to family life, but I would much prefer to take our trips together.
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My husband is currently on a 5-day vacation in Vegas, without me. Originally it was planned as a business trip and DH invited me to tag along and stay for free in the hotel. Then the business trip got cancelled, but DH found out that his brother was coincidentally going to be in Vegas at the same time for a work conference. So DH decided to change the business trip into a vacation and stay with his brother in his hotel room. It is important to note that his brother called off his engagement a few months ago and DH hasn't been able to visit him since it happened, so he was hoping they could do some brotherly commiserating in Vegas.
Anyway, I had originally been planning to attend, but then DH changed his mind and said it should just be him so we can save money and he could spend alone time with his brother. So he basically uninvited me. I was disappointed but went along with it. The day before he bought the plane tickets, he asked me again if I would want to go and I said YES! The next day he bought a single plane ticket (while I was tied up in a work meeting) and it cost so much that we couldn't afford to buy another one for me, and anyway he made it pretty clear with that purchase that I was no longer invited.
I have tried to be understanding about this whole thing but I am actually really mad. My parents never vacationed alone and the concept is foreign to me. His parents almost always vacation alone so to him this is normal. I feel that as his wife, he should plan to include me on vacations (not business trips, of course). He called and said he was sorry and that he missed me and wished he had brought me along but I am still mad.
Is it reasonable for me to be mad that my husband went on vacation without me, or am I over-reacting?