Post # 1
My husband is currently on a 5-day vacation in Vegas, without me. Originally it was planned as a business trip and DH invited me to tag along and stay for free in the hotel. Then the business trip got cancelled, but DH found out that his brother was coincidentally going to be in Vegas at the same time for a work conference. So DH decided to change the business trip into a vacation and stay with his brother in his hotel room. It is important to note that his brother called off his engagement a few months ago and DH hasn’t been able to visit him since it happened, so he was hoping they could do some brotherly commiserating in Vegas.
Anyway, I had originally been planning to attend, but then DH changed his mind and said it should just be him so we can save money and he could spend alone time with his brother. So he basically uninvited me. I was disappointed but went along with it. The day before he bought the plane tickets, he asked me again if I would want to go and I said YES! The next day he bought a single plane ticket (while I was tied up in a work meeting) and it cost so much that we couldn’t afford to buy another one for me, and anyway he made it pretty clear with that purchase that I was no longer invited.
I have tried to be understanding about this whole thing but I am actually really mad. My parents never vacationed alone and the concept is foreign to me. His parents almost always vacation alone so to him this is normal. I feel that as his wife, he should plan to include me on vacations (not business trips, of course). He called and said he was sorry and that he missed me and wished he had brought me along but I am still mad.
Is it reasonable for me to be mad that my husband went on vacation without me, or am I over-reacting?
Post # 3
I think it’s ok to be a little mad, but you did say his parents vacation seperately, so you have to understand where he is coming from. My parents vacation seperately sometimes too. So my and my FH would probably do the same. Normally when it’s they vacation seperately, it’s dad went deer hunting, and mom went to spend time with a relative or something. I think you guys should talk it over, so he understands where you are coming from, but it also sounds like this was a kind of fly by the seat of your pants vacation, so maybe you should cut him some slack for that. Also, it’s good for guys to spend time with their brothers, my FH always comes back relaxed and excited to see me after he’s spent some time with his brothers.
Post # 4
We haven’t been married for too long, but I’m not against trips without the other, especially depending on the circumstance. I’d be upset if the only time off during the year was spent on seperate vacations, but if it’s some bonus time that just happens to work out or only one is able to swing it or visiting friends, I don’t think it’s that big of a deal.
I see why you’re upset though about being uninvited. That’s a bit of a different story. I see why he did it if he wanted to visit his brother and money was tight but not really the best way to go about it.
Post # 5
You feel mad, and that’s fine. You can’t help how you feel!
However, I don’t think this would bother me much. I think what would bother me is the amount of time he’s gone. I would have put up a little fight about that. BUT, I kind of like it when the hubs and I have some time apart. We haven’t done it in a while, but we talk about how it’s sometimes good for the relationship to be apart. It just makes us miss each other that much more 🙂
This winter, I’m planning a trip to my hometown to spend some quality time with my sister who I very rarely get to see anymore (and relationships with siblings is important to both of us), and my husband will stay home. We’re fine with it, but it’s just three days (a long weekend), and we discussed it beforehand.
Post # 6
I’d be mad if i were in that situation….but yes, we’ve vacationed separately. I went to Vegas for a bachelorette party, but my whole trip was under $500. We like the idea of getting all our friends together to do a big cruise together versus girls’ cruise and boys’ cruises, but I wouldn’t not allow him to go with his buddies if it was, say, a special occassion versus just a vacation. If my husband had a brother though, who was single, I guess I could see something like this taking place. Although if he promised me a ticket first i’d be livid!
My dad has gone on fishing trips before and not brought my mom. It never upset her–she was like “yay i get a week free!” and he got to fish and be all fishy and nasty and stinky all week like a bum.
I could see myself doing a spa retreat with my mom someday as a vacation and not bringing the husband…i don’t have to bring him everywhere I go!
Post # 7
I understand how you feel. Before we were married hubby went on several vacations without me. One was early in the relationship and the others were later when we owned a house together and were more serious. Most of them were “Guys Only Trips” and one was a group trip that I couldn’t go on b/c I’m not Jewish. I went away ONCE without him for a weekend.
Honestly, I absolutely HATED that he did that. Rationally, I know he loves me and wasn’t trying to escape from me or anything but I still hate it!! The “Boys Only” thing is an annual trip organized by one of his friends. Last year he didn’t do it b/c we were saving for the wedding. I’m thinking that now that we are one financial unit, these things will stop or be less frequent, or else I’ll be going on a shopping spree every time he take a trip.
The only trip I wouldn’t be upset about are bachelor parties and things like that, only b/c I think as a GM, you should do whatever the groom wants if you can afford it and they are sort of “once in a lifetime”.
Post # 8
- Wedding: September 2009 - Barr Mansion
I’d be upset, too, but it doesn’t sound like he intended to hurt you. I think you should just let him know that the whole situation hurt your feelings and that he’d better not do anything like that again!
That said, I sometimes go on trips without my husband. Once before we were married and I’ve got another one planned for March. It’s not that he doesn’t want to go, but usually he doesn’t get as much time off as me. I don’t think it hurts his feelings, but I do always let him know that he’s invited if he wanted to come.
Post # 9
I would be upset about the “you’re invited, wait no you aren’t” thing, but wouldn’t be mad if my DH wanted to go somewhere with a brother who had an engagement called off recently.
I would prefer to always vacation with DH. But, I know that given his chosen profession (doctor), there will probably be times when I spend time with my family (sister, mom, even girlfriends) alone, because he has to work. I think it all depends on the situation. If DH wanted to go away for a weekend bachelor party or weekend of skiing with his guy friends, I wouldn’t be upset. I don’t think either of us would take a “big vacation” without each other, but who knows.
Post # 10
- Wedding: September 2009 - Barr Mansion
Oh, once we were first dating, the Dude almost did something like this to me. We’d been together for 3 months, and he invited me on a trip with him to visit his friend, but the trip was like 6 or 7 months in the future. I was really touched that he’d invited me, and I said yes, of course I want to go. Well, a few months pass, and he FORGETS that he invited me. He starts talking about when he’s going to go, blah blah, not taking into my account that I am in school and have finals to take. I told him that it was totally not cool, and we both ended up going, but the thought that he’d forgotten that I was supposed to go really hurt my feelings.
Post # 11
- Wedding: June 2010 - The Narragansett Towers
Bummer! Definitely explain to him how you feel so he can see where you’re coming from!
We often vacation separately and that won’t change when we’re married. Often it’s a money thing but sometimes he goes away with his friends, me with mine…I never thought twice about it, actually.
Hopefully he brings you home a GOOD souvenir!!
Post # 12
I would be little miffed. First, he uninvited you; then, he reinvited you only to univite you again! That’s kinda rude…
Also, I wouldn’t want my husband to vacation without me. I’m fun! I have a lot to offer on a vacation! I actually had to go to Vegas earlier this fall for a work conference, and I didn’t like that either. Even though I got to catch up with some friends who live down there, it was a little lonely. I’d much rather us vacation and travel together whenever possible. My parents and my in-laws vacation separately, but I don’t think it’s right for our relationship.
Post # 13
I would be upset in your situation, it sounds like a big miscommunication. If he asked you and you said yes, then he doesn’t buy you a ticket because of the price of his, I would be upset.
However we do vacation separately sometimes. Like most other posters, I prefer to vacation with my husband. But we don’t like to do all of the same things. I am going to CO in February to go skiing with some family members. He tried skiing last year and was NOT a fan (nor was he any good…but that is neither here nor there). So this Feb., he’ll enjoy the condo to himself and I’ll enjoy my family and getting to spend sometime with my niece and nephew and skiing!
Post # 14
I think we would do this, but it hasn’t come up yet. I think being a long distance couple has really helped us be more on the independent side of things though 🙂
I think it’s really important that you talk through this with your husband, ideally before he leaves. I don’t think it’s bad of him to go without you, but the fact is that it’s hurting your feelings, and that’s not okay.
Post # 15
Personally Im not crazy about the idea of vacationing with out eachother. Were busy alot and dont get many vacations. Anytime we get away I want to be with my FI because hes my best friend. We enjoy being around eachother so much and I dont see the point of goin on fun vacations with out eachother. Also, I think I saw my parents do their own thing alot and it made them very divided, but it was also because they didnt truely enjoy eachothers company. In your case I would be alittle upset too, especially the whole uninviting you thing. Also I get he wants to spend time with his brother, but Im not really sure why he has to do it alone in vegas. The whole we dont have enough money thing is a little strange to me too personally. Why does he get to go but you stay at home because there isnt money? Anyways I know lot of people agree with vacationing seperately its just not my thing. Try to just stay calm and discuss your feelings when he gets back.
Post # 16
Well, we’re not married yet, but there will be very few chances to travel together until he retires. I get 5 1/2 months off a year (I’m a prof) and he gets 5 days/year (oh Korean office culture!!) Since we’ve been dating I’ve been to China 2x, Japan 2x, the US 2x, Canada 4x, and in 10 days … Hong Kong! In all of those trips, the only one we’ve been able to take together is the last Canada trip which was to introduce him to my family. Strangely, the 1 week he gets off/year, I’m almost always working, so he’s been to Japan 3x without me! I would love love love to travel more together, but under the circumstances, I’ve learned how to travel by myself and/or with friends.
I do however think that how he handled the ‘invited…but oh now you’re not’ situation was not very nice. If he hurt your feelings, then that is something that needs to be discussed. Lots of people holiday without their SO, but you shouldn’t have to feel excluded from a vacation.