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My boyfriend of 4 years pretty much refuses to talk about his sexual past. This isn't exactly something that comes up day-to-day, but on the rare occasion that it does it really irks me. Don't get me wrong, I don't want to talk about it all day or know all the gory details (I had a previous boyfriend who was very domineering about wanting to know every single guy I'd even kissed! Talk about ridiculous) but to me it seems normal that we would share the basic details. Things like how many partners and how serious the relationships were, and maybe how recently before we started dating. I just don't think that shoudl be taboo between two people who litterally talk about everything else.
He not only refuses to share this information about himself, but also does NOT want to know any of it about me. I guess this fact makes it somewhat less weird to me - if he wanted to know these things about me but wouldn't share them about himself that'd be a real problem.
What do you think? Does this seem normal to anyone? Has anyone dealt with this and found an effective way to communicate about it? It bothers me because being so entrenched in not talking about it makes me feel like there is something to hide. Logically I find that unlikely since we are a very vanilla couple, but who knows?
We have in the past before, but our pre-marital class is supposed to discuss that this weekend. Shall be interesting.
Ah, very interesting. I definitely think that this is a topic a couple should have peace about before marriage. I hope it goes well for you!
Well I agree that you should be able to talk about your sexual history.. to some extent. I don't know that revealing how many sexual partners you've had is always the best idea. We know of each others past relationships but not every single one of them. I really don't even care to know this stuff, it's in the past.
Some of it. Generally no. It's not to be deceptive, I just don't like dwelling on the past.
i'm in general just a really curious person--i'm a researcher by profession so i just have trouble with secrets and want to know as much as possible about everything i can. my hubby's really different, he only wants to know things on a need-to-know basis. that goes for a lot of topics, but especially our past relationships. early on in the relationship we would talk about it more and it would kill me that he didn't want to tell me things or know about my past, but i think we ended up somewhere in the middle compromising. like, we've talked about number of partners, and which ones were longer-term, but the info def came out more slowly over the 5 years we were together than i would have liked at first. and now i'm okay not knowing everything--it's really not that important anymore to our relationship since we've been together so long now, and this is by far the most important relationship either of us have been in to ourselves. but then again, neither of us had terribly serious relationships before each other--i was the first girl he ever introduced to his parents even--so that helps make our pasts less important to our present.
We talked about it when we first started sleeping together. I fudged it a little since I have had more partners than FI. I knew that would freak him out.
We were friends first. So we discussed every. single. dirty. thing. Now sometimes I wish he didn't know every detail of my past, and when I hear him mention a friend from college, part of me wishes I could erase the image of their hook-up. But in other ways, it's nice to have it all out there, and to know there's nothing new to stumble across.
If I were in a new relationship, I'm not sure I'd bring it up. At least not the specifics. I do think it's important to clue them in to certain things (e.g. meeting up with an ex and letting him know the general history so he's not ambushed).
I love hearing about DH's sexual past. I honestly do. However, he isn't too keen on hearing mine lol
I had a bf like that. He didn't want to know anything about my past, or share much about his. I thought it was really weird, and, like you, felt that it was important to share the basics. It was so bad that one time I was having a conversation with his cousin and the subject came up (I'm pretty open about these things and don't mind discussing them casually) and BF walked into the room mid conversation and he was so pissed that he heard it...I think we may have even broken up for a couple days over it! This bf was also had some control issues in general, and, needless to say, the relationship didn't last. I think this was just a symptom to other issues he had.
In general, I do think it's important to have a basic sexual history of someone you're in a relationship with, particularly before you are intimate. Ideally, people should get tested for STDs, HIV, hepatitis etc. as indicated by their sexual history. In addition, it may be beneficial to share (as much as you are comfortable) if there is a history of negative feelings towards intimacy, especially if it's due to a traumatic incident, such as rape.
@nycbrde2011: how interesting. Does he know the truth now?
I got into a situation a little bit like this with my guy. Very (very) early in our relationship, before we had ever fooled around I thought he told me his number was x. However, three months ago I asked again for some reason and (eventually) he tells me y. At this point I'm not sure if he's joking or something. I mean, for 4 years I'd thought a different number - even though both numbers were perfectly reasonable. It just pissed me off that I'd had the wrong number in mind for all these years.
Of course, this just reinforced in his mind that talking about this stuff leads to a fight...since it did lead to a fight (doh! Way to prove him right!).
Anyway, I'm glad that there are some of you out there that can relate to his perspective. makes me feel like it's not so weird.
@cbgg: Thinking about your situation - I don't think it's weird that he doesn't want to know, but if it bugs you, then it's worth talking about. FI and I dated for a couple weeks, were friends for 8 months (with hook-ups), then got together for real. Toward the end of the "friendship" portion, he was really jealous, so I wasn't forthcoming. Then when we got together, I was in a rough spot, because he thought he knew everything about me and I knew he didn't.
I basically sat him down and said, there were things I wanted him to know, even though they were upsetting, and could we just get it out now so we never had to worry about it again. Then I told him that while we were just "friends," I had hooked up with someone he knew well. I just couldn't deal with the thought of the three of us being in a room together, and me and the other guy knowing about it, and my boyfriend being in the dark. So it was a weird night, and FI wasn't thrilled about it. But it was all out, and later that night we started everything fresh, on honest terms, and we've never looked back. In fact, we even joke about those things now.
So I'd say if it's important to you to have it out there, to sit him down and ask if you can spend an awkward hour going over these things, then go to bed next to each other, and when you wake up in the morning you know your relationship is what matters and the rest of it is over.
@Miss OBG: thanks, I think that's good advice on how to handle having a conversation about this!
We talked about it pretty early on in our relationship. We were honest about number of partners and number of boyfriends/girlfriends and how long those relationships were. I guess we thought it was good to know what type of person we were dating. Also, in the early stages of our relationship we hung out several times with girls or guys that me or DH used to sleep with. These were people we had remained friends with or were in our group of friends. I never had any problem with knowing who he slept with. Actually I kind of liked knowing exactly who they were and having him tell me why they stopped seeing one another. It made me feel like the winner!
My husband is exactly the same....it's weird I know very little about his life b4me.
Yup we are both open books!
I am a very honest person in a relationship (maybe too honest) but I expect my partner to be the same way and so it would bother me if he kept anything from me!
No, barely ever. We talked enough to be open about STD's, and that was it. It's not my business (besides that) what he did before me, and I really just do not care.
We are both completely open books with each other and know each others dark and dirty secrets from the past (well - they aren't actually drak and dirty - but you get the idea). I think hearing about past relationships, their seriousness, what went wrong, etc tells you a lot about the person you are now with, how they view relationships, what hang-ups they might have due to past occurances, etc.
I was a virgin when we started dating, so I didn't have much to discuss, LOL. We did talk about his "number" (which was low, we started dating at age 18.) so I am pretty familiar with his past/
We are super honest about these kind of things. We just feel it is important to understand who we are today in our relationship.
That is not something I want to talk about. I am very content to NOT discuss prior sexual history. The only thing we need to know is we're disease free.
ETA: my ex demanded details on every partner, then held onto that information and used it for ammo when it was convenient for him. Honestly, that is why I don't care to share the info now. I don't really know what good would come from details like that.
We don't generally talk about it, but I know that if I ever wanted more information or needed to know something he'd absolutely tell me.
If he refused to share even basic details I would be concerned, and the whole "I don't want to know about any of your other partners" thing would bug me. I did, um, have a life before you? And it had lots of important people in it? Also, I had sexytimes with some of them? This is not a big deal?
I also think keeping mum makes things more difficult because so much of our present relationship behavior is shaped by interactions with past partners.
@Miss OBG: I feel the same way sometimes when he brings up a certain person. I just cringe. I'm sure he feels the same way though.
We've both only had intercourse with two people, but we've had other sexual interaction with people as well. Doesn't he know the world wasn't supposed to exist until he met me?! (joking!)
But we've talked about it and eh, it's in the past. It is what it is now.
This is my DH. He knows all about my past but refuses to share his. I've known him for a long time and always refused to date him because I wasn't the type of girls he dated if you know what I mean. I understand why he doesn't want to share and it used to bug me but I have learned to let it go. He is now the best husband I could have ever dreamed of.
For health reasons, I think it's absolutely necessary to be privy to both people's history...
@Lindsay12.31.2010: Yeah - my only past was making out with a bunch of his fraternity brothers! But he knew about that before we started dating.
We have shared basic information, but that is it. I know who he has been with and he knows who I have been with -- they are ex-spouses. That is really all either of us want to know. The past is, for us, the past. And we are content to leave it there.
So we don't discuss our sexual pasts. I don't want to know what he did with his ex-wife. He is very, very good about not bringing up anything that will give me a mental image I don't want and I do the same for him.
We have talked about our sexual past.. ALL of it.. I think before we decided to have sex with each other we talked about it. and then we talked about sexual expectations after our history. It was good bc now I feel like there is no secrets, and it made us closer.. but if your very vanilla as you say.. I dont know if its a huge deal.. He has probably never talked about it, and isnt comfortable with that discussion.
We had the talk about STDs and such. He knows a ballpark number of how many partners I've had, but he has no interest in knowing the exact number. I'm not ashamed of it, but I did go through a slutty phase in college (and had been religious about going to my gyno and getting tested...I stopped once I'd been exclusive with my husband for 3 years.)
Hmm...yeah, this is one of the things that FI and I do not discuss. This is mostly because I was pretty wild in college, and I'm sure he was when he was in the military too. I'm sure he doesn't want to know my 'number', and I surely don't want to know his.
We've brooched the subject before, and it didn't make it too far. I got that tunnel vision thing...and he just didn't want to know. So we don't talk about it! It's sort of an unsaid understanding.
We do know about what we've 'done' before, but not with whom!
Not really. We know some tidbits and we know about serious relationships. I've never asked him for a number, and he's never asked me. I wouldn't have a problem sharing it, or hearing his number, but I guess I just don't care. It seems irrelevant.
@teaadntoast: I completely agree with you.
I am my FI's first and only, but he was not my first. He said he didn't care about my past, but we did analyze how it had affected who I am today. In the way that my ex always told me 'You're too loving/caring/passionate.' because of that, I'm not very loving now and it drives my FI nuts cause he wants me to be the cling/loving/caring type.
I think that talking openly about our past has helped us to love eachother deeper, and strengthened our relationship because we know what makes the other one tick, and why we do the weird things we do, or why we have irrational fears/wants/needs. I'm very happy that we are open and honest with eachother.
yeah we both laid it out first time we met (we connected very fast first time we met), I asked first; after that I didnt need to hear about it anymore it's all in the past; now he tells me his ex will be his best friends fiance's maid of honor in the future; I dont really need to know these things, now I dont feel like going when we get invited, I guess I should go though
I dont ever discuss my past or ask about his past anymore, its all in the past keeps you from focussing on the present; just keeps old memories alive when you talk about it, when you talk of your past it means you havent let go
My fiance used to ask me stuff about ex's etc, and I've been open with him about what he asks, but I've always told him that I don't want to know anything about him and any other woman. No way do I want to think about any of that. What he did prior to me doesn't matter and I don't ever want to think about him being with anyone else, so I personally don't want to know
Yes, we discussed it early on in our relatioship. I was a virgin & he disclosed his number. Personally, I want to know about my SO's past and be honest up front.
We have only been with each other, but I would have wanted to know how many and what he did, mainly because I am curious and I want to know as much about him as possible. He probably wouldn't want to know.
I didn't read any PPs so if I'm repeating... sorry.
FI and I have discussed our past partners in more of a "this was what I went through, this is what I didn't like, this is the way I feel like this on a certain topic" type conversations.And really those only happened in the beginning stages of our relationship.
Does he need to know all my sexual secrets or I his? Do we need a number? No.
Do we still talk about the past? Absolutely not. I prefer to stay in the wonderful world of the present.
You many not talk down and dirty to the point of play-by-play, but he shouldn't try to keep his sexual history a secret. Once you have sex with someone, your sexual history is the same as theirs--- and the same as everyone else they've slept with.
Sexual history: the gift that keeps on giving.
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