Post # 1
My SO and I have a wonderful relationship. We live together and do everything together, as we have for the past few years. He does little things that annoy me but I’m mostly able to see past them. I realise that I can be difficult to deal with – I have OCD tendencies which mean that I don’t react well to plans changing (even if the initial plans were just in my mind) and I am often irritable and emotional.
I have a significant birthday coming up and he’s been pressuring me into doing something to mark the occasion. I really don’t like attention and, as an introvert, don’t particularly enjoy social situations where I am the host. I’ve expressed this to my SO repeatedly and he’s been insistent that I celebrate. Upon realising that I had no choice (he would organise a gathering if I didn’t), I decided that I would organise a dinner with about 8 close friends to appease him and enable me to minimise my discomfort by organising the event myself (choosing guests etc).
I outlined my plan to my SO and he wasn’t happy with the venue, but otherwise liked the idea and we discussed a bit about who to invite etc. Afterwards, I broached the idea with a few close friends and the next day decided I would go ahead. I was about to organise invites when I thought I would speak to my SO to confirm this with him.
Then I found out that he had independently contacted several friends of mine (some of whom I definitely would not have invited) and informed them of the gathering.
I was incredibly angry and upset when I found out. I haven’t brought the issue up with him, because I don’t know what to do. When I think about it, it is a little trivial. Should I acknowledge that he had good intentions and just let it go? Or should I express my disappointment about his behavior? To me, it’s not nice to do something “nice” for someone when you know that it’s expressly against the wishes of the person you’re doing it for. Organising a gathering seems like a nice gesture, but when you know the person you’re organising if for doesn’t want it organised for them, it’s blatantly inconsiderate.
I feel embarrassed and upset but I don’t want to start a fight. Things like this make me reconsider my whole relationship!
Post # 3
Yeah he does silly little things that annoy the heck out of me
and i make the ¬.¬ face at him LOL
Hes stops pretty quick after that
Id mention your situation too, Its not fair at all .
Post # 4
I agree. You made your feelings very clear, and he didn’t take them in to consideration. He should be made aware of your displeasure, and that he’s forcing you in to a situation that you find uncomfortable.
If he just wants to throw a party, it shouldn’t coincide with your birthday ‘celebration’ if you don’t want it to.
I’m an introvert, marrying an extrovert, and we worked through all of this some time ago. He would NEVER think of forcing the issue with me now, and I have made an effort to be more social for him.
It’s a give and take 🙂
Post # 5
I understand that it would be annoying . However I think he us just trying to do something nice for you which you should be grateful for you wouldn’t be very happy if he just forgot and ignored your birthday . His heart sounds like its in the right place 🙂 enjoy your birthday and enjoy the fact that your SO wants to enjoy your birthday .
meny happy returns for your birthday
Post # 6
I think you should talk about it. You don’t have to confront him with an emotionally charged statement, but you should let him know that what he did hurt you. If he doesn’t know what he’s done wrong or how to avoid it again, he’ll continue to do it.
Calmly approach him and let him know that you found out he invited some friends of yours, then tell him, “I understand that you want to do something nice for me by inviting my friends, but it hurt my feelings when you reached out to them without me, because I had already made some plans for the guest list. I would have liked it if we could have done that together, so I could have some input on who is coming.”
If he gets defensive or angry (I don’t know if he’s like that), just stay calm and explain you don’t want to fight about it, you just want him to know how you feel. You want him to know what your expectations and wishes are so that you guys can continue to get along well. It wouldn’t hurt if you threw in there, “Because I love you, and I don’t want this to come up again and start a fight.” It just reinforces that you’re not there to fight.
Post # 7
for the MOST part- no, you pick your battles.
Post # 8
@iek012: I absolutely would bring it up. I think the worst thing to do is hold it in, because it’s something that is bothering you enough to post on this board. It’s really important to be able to talk to your SO about things like this. You don’t have to yell at him, but it’s important to let him know that you are hurt by his actions. Wouldn’t you want to know if you hurt him in some way?
Post # 9
@Futuremrssw: I disagree completely. There is a HUGE difference between ignoring / forgetting her birthday (something my ex did intentionally the first year we were together because he was mad at me) and celebrating her birthday the way she wants to.
More than that, he’s going out of the way to make her celebrate and then turn it into something even bigger than she’d agreed to, after knowing she didn’t want to celebrate in the first place. Now if it were his birthday and he wanted a huge blowout and he really wanted her to plan it, that would be different. It could be said that she’d be doing it for him, for his birthday. I don’t think she has any obligation to feel grateful that he’s turning this into something that she never wanted.
To the OP, my husband and I talk about all the stupid little things that annoy us. If we don’t, they fester. We don’t do it in a confrontational way, no big fights or belittling. If he did something like this, I would absolutely be upset and I would have no problem putting my foot down that I am just not okay with it. I don’t think it’s being ridiculous to have a preference and a stance on how you celebrate your birthday. You already agreed to the small gathering. He agreed to the small gathering. There was no reason to go behind your back and turn it into something that you expressly said would not be pleasant for you.
Post # 10
Girl, just go and “uninvite” them. lol That wouldn’t be rude. It would be just what it is: An “uninvite.” No one told him to do that. If you two are together, he shoudn’t be going behind your back and making decisions without you.