Weddingbee boards

One of the other threads got me thinking about the gift giving. Several people expressed the opinion that if they were not attending a wedding they were invited to, they would give less of a gift. The idea was basically their not having to pay to feed you or anything, so you don't need to give as much.

I felt the opposite. I've put a lot of thought in to my guest list and I really hope they're all (well, mostly, you know what I mean) able to come. It'll mean a lot to me that they took the time to be there, not even just the OOT folks. I consider their presence a gift. So if the situation were reversed, I'd probably spend somewhat less on the gift, because I've spent time and money to come to the wedding.

Of course, if I weren't close at all to the bride and groom it'd probably be different, since they likely don't care if I come, but for anyone I'm close to, that's how I'd feel.

So how do you feel? Am I totally egocentric?  

P.S. I'm also in a situation where my parents are paying for the wedding. The gifts are coming to ME, not them, so any additional gifts won't offset the cost of feeding guests. So that may influence my decision!

I really feel like my gift would be the same no matter what. The only reason I would spend less on a gift is if it cost me so much to get there that I could not afford to spend as much.

I had one person (who we weren't planning to invite) tell me when we first got engaged that she wouldn't be able to come if it was on such and such a day. She was joking but then she said if she couldn't come she would be more likely to give a gift because she felt bad! Well, beyond the obvious fact that that is NOT why we're inviting people, I think the sentiment actually rings true for some guests... they feel bad they can't come so they give more, as Janna said.

Yay, a teensy bit of vindication, I don't feel like a freak! ^_^

Also, re-reading that, I think saying I would spend less if I went sounds wrong. I wouldn't have a set amount and then raise or lower it depending on whether I went. I would just probably wind up spending more if I didn't go, half out of guilt and half out of "well I saved some money by not going so I'll spend it on them." I wouldn't think "I think they're worth $100 to me but if I go I'm only spending $75." Just clarification so that didn't come off sounding horrible!

I usually spend more if I don't attend because I feel bad for saying "no!"  Also, when I do attend, I usually have to pay for airfare and hotel costs and am on a tighter budget for the gift as a result.  I kind of assume the couple is inviting me because they want me there, not because they think I'll be able to "cover the cost of my plate" (I'm a grad student, not exactly flush with cash!  If all they cared about was getting expensive presents they probably wouldn't bother inviting me :-) ).

I don't buy gifts to weddings I am not going to attend unless that person is a family member or a super super close friend, so close that they are like a family member. I get invited to too  many weddings to get them a gift for everyone I don't attend (which is 95% of the time).

However, if they do fall into that family/like family category, I change my gift amount to less depending on if I have to travel or not. If I don't have to travel then I spend a little more

I will be unable to attend a friend's wedding this spring (because of grad school exams) and will definitely be sending more of a gift because I had budgeted for things like airfare that I will no longer be spending.  I would expect less of a gift from guests who are able to attend my own wedding for similar reasons (because they would be spending money on airfare and a hotel room).  I think that I am in control of how much I spend per plate and that should in no way influence the generosity of my guests.

It depends on the relationship you have with the couple and if there would be any kind of traveling involved, i.e. we would have fly or have a two night stay in a hotel.