Do you choose who you love or not?

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
  • poll: Do you get to choose?
    Yes : (45 votes)
    58 %
    No : (13 votes)
    17 %
    Sometimes/ In some cases : (19 votes)
    25 %
  • Post # 3
    Member
    1871 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: June 2012

    I think you do…. you have to date him first before you fall in love and you definitely choose who you date.

    Post # 4
    Member
    7281 posts
    Busy Beekeeper
    • Wedding: October 2011 - Bed & Breakfast

    You choose who to spend time with. You don’t fall in love with a total stranger. So, yes, there is a degree of choice involved. But you can choose to spend a ton of time with someone and still not fall in love with that person, so that part is a bit more random. And then, once you are in love, you choose to stay in love (or not) by investing (or not) more time, energy, and emotion into the relationship to nourish that connection.

    Post # 5
    Member
    9533 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: August 2013

    I don’t know that you get to choose who you have feelings for, but you absolutely get to choose who you marry! There are exes that I loved but didn’t marry because I knew that it wouldn’t be a good marriage. Loving someone and deciding to marry someone are very different things. So I picked “sometimes”.

    Post # 6
    Member
    3223 posts
    Sugar bee

    of course you choose. you have thousands of differnt feelings everyday, and you choose which ones you act upon.

    For me it’s a choice. One I make every single day. I choose to love my husband when he is being an annoying turd, or when he doesn’t do his chores, etc. 

    You chose to continue to get to know someone, to start a life with them. It’s not something out of your control.

    I also set up certain conditions to make sure met someone who had the traits I valued. I didn’t date people who didn’t have a good job, who had mental health issues, who lived with their parents etc. Maybe I missed some gem who I could hve been great with. But strongly believe you can be happy with many different partners. If hadn’t met J, I would have met someother bloke, fallen in love and gotten married.

    Post # 7
    Member
    1071 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: October 2014 - Greenbrier Country Club

    Potentially loaded question…

    You don’t get to choose who you are attracted to, but you absolutely get to pick who you love.

    Post # 8
    Member
    1896 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: March 2014

    @freshflowers:  I put sometimes…

    You cannot choose to love someone like a switch— I cannot say this guy right here, I’m going to love him.  My love evolved naturally over time and while I was choosing to continue dating him, I didn’t necessarily know at the beginning whether he was material for marriage or not.  

    And, I know that in the past I have crushed and gotten attached to the wrong men and sometimes loved them even though I knew it was wrong and I was going to get hurt- I couldn’t stop myself (like a moth to the flame).

    But I do think eventually, you reach a point where you CHOOSE to nuture your love for someone, or you decide that you cannot invest anymore love in someone and walk away.  And THAT my friends, is where the “sometimes” comes in 🙂

    Post # 9
    Hostess
    7630 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: January 2013

    @SaraP2012:  I agree.

    You don’t choose who you love but you choose who you involve yourself with. If someone is bad for you, don’t spend time with them. 

    Post # 10
    Member
    2355 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: September 2014

    After the honeymoon phase and puppy love and lust play out, and years go by, and life with your partner becomes comfortable and familiar, what you have left is a choice. Real, deep, abiding love goes far beyond a feeling.

    Post # 11
    Member
    989 posts
    Busy bee

    @freshflowers:  No, I don’t think so. I fell very hard and fast for my SO, so overpowering, and I can honestly say I have never felt that way about anyone. 

    I used to have this guy friend, we would hang out a lot, have a lot of fun together. He genuinely was a great guy. He had feelings for me and they weren’t reciprocated. I adored him – as a friend, but I couldn’t force those romantic feelings. I couldn’t choose to love him in that way. For SO, it came naturally to me, and has endured a lot.

    Post # 12
    Member
    263 posts
    Helper bee

    I think everyone has inbuilt things they do/do not find attractive, which cannot be changed. They’re usually so subtle you don’t even register what they are. When I think back over the men whose advances I’ve rejected (not that many, haha!), there’s always been something about them that triggered my “unattractive” radar. I think that is impossible to overcome.

    But I do think you can choose who you love, in that if you like someone as a friend and nothing about them turns you off, you could learn to love them over time. Like a guy who you don’t find attractive but equally there’s nothing unattractive about him, with a personality that you don’t find magnetic but that is kind and amusing.

    Most of the successful relationships I’ve seen, I struggle to believe that the couple fell madly in love the second they saw each other and were powerless to stop it. More, I see two people who liked and respected each other at first and grew to love each other more intensely when they’d actively decided that the relationship was worth developing. In that way, they did choose who they fell in love with.

    Post # 13
    Member
    525 posts
    Busy bee

    I seriously had a movie date. I don’t think I loved him on the second date (I actually thought we were just going to be friends after the first) but the second date was so amazing and I knew he was the one. I also knew I didn’t know him and still felt that way…

    I think you do choose to love, you make that decision everyday when you react and act towards your SO. I also think there is an element of choice in falling, but I definitely think there are defining moments that sneak up on you!

     

     

    Post # 14
    Member
    11001 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: May 2009

    Absolutely, you choose whom you love. As prior posters have noted, you have control over (and a choice regarding) with whom, and how, you spend time and with whom you would allow yourself to become romantically involved.

    Having said that, I will add that this choice is often not easy and may prove to be extremely difficult at times. As a woman who holds certain beliefs and values that are consistent with my faith, I often found myself deeply attracted to men who were not permissible for me to consider dating. I knew that, as someone who is committed to following God’s plan and will for my life, if I chose to be in a romantic relationship with someone, that relationship had to be God honoring as defined by God and His Word and not by MY emotions and fleshly desires, longings, and passions. There were times that my singleness was not easy, and even some of my friends and family thought that what I was waiting for would never come. There were other times that I was terribly attracted to men who were completely unavailable to me for a variety of reasons. I had to battle those temptations and allow God’s Spirit to rule over my feelings. I cried some serious tears over the years. However, I had to choose to obey God’s will rather than my own, even if I never married and never had sex.

    Now that I am married to a Godly man who was eligible for me to marry, there are days when we disagree about many things and moments when we don’t really like each other very much. However, love is a decision. It’s a choice. And we choose to love each other with God’s love. The beautiful thing about this is that, when we do this, our feelings soon follow. 🙂

    Post # 15
    Member
    671 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: March 2013

    You can develop strong feelings for someone unintentionally but you choose to put into those feelings or walk away.

    Post # 16
    Member
    1676 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: January 2015

    I think you get choice over who you spend time with, but ultimately love happens spontaneously. So I think you can control it toto a certain extent

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