Post # 1
Darling Husband and I were married 2 years ago this summer and we had planned a big wedding (we were pressured into it) and then we ended up just getting married by ourselves. Not ideal. No one was invited, no one was told. It was not how I would have wanted it.
My family still has NOT talked about it with me. It makes me very uncomfortable. I did not talk to them for a long time afterward and slowly my mother has been trying to reel me in by acting sweet. I opened up to her that it was not the right time before and that I would like to throw a reception/ vow renewal/ celebration at some point (taken care of by Darling Husband and I). I want to put it behind us and move forward. The truth is, it was not the right time before, and putting it this way is my way of putting it behind us. I am willing to do that- I am hurt by a lot of things in regard to it, them being selfish, not involved yet demanding, their general craziness. They all wanted what they wanted, it was all about them.
I got no response. It really bothers me. I know that they think they were wronged and are hurt too, but I am not going to apologize for doing what we had to do. I am willing to go without an apology from them, but I do not want to have to make one to them either. My mother is intensely controlling and Darling Husband says she just acts nice to get me back into her life but really wants to drive me crazy. This is not an exageration- she has mental illness and enjoys (as does my sister) upsetting people.
My dad, who I know knows we are married (my sister told me he went and looked it up) has never mentioned it to us.
It must be said that these are not rational, or even normal people. My mom is manic and so is my dad to a lesser extent, my sister is diagnosed bipolar. It is a very difficult crowd. In a way I feel that I am just having a pipe dream. I want to make a relationship with them work, but it is not in my control. I should probably see a therapist about this. I really do not know what else to do! I need advice.
I probably need to let go and leave well enough alone but it is sad because I want a good relationship with them so much. I have moved around so much in my life I do not have a lot of constants and wish I could have a good relationship with the only people that are constant.
I also feel displaced because my mother moved out west to my mountain town against my wishes! I had to leave because I could not be free with her near me. Now I live near my dad. Maybe I need to move to a place where no family is, but it is hard to keep moving. I also am thinking about starting a family with Darling Husband and it makes me sad to realize my family will never be what I want or need.
Post # 3
I come from a family of religious control freaks and before anything was even done, they outright refused to attend my wedding because they “fear” embrarassment all because my FH would not convert to Catholicism. // I understand your hurt and sadness but having toxic family around will only cause you more heartache. You and your Darling Husband will have your own family. Try to focus on that.
Post # 4
@cbee: it makes me sad to realize my family will never be what I want or need.
Reading that just killed me, I can so totaly relate. I think the important thing is that you are starting to realize the truth and with that you and your Darling Husband can make steps towards establishing a life together with peace minus the drama.
I moved to the opposite end of the state to get away from my family. I love them dearly but they are too much and when I allow them back in I am bombarded with drama and pain, it just isn’t worth it. And no we never talk about anything, a simple conversation of feelings turns into a huge ordeal and it is never worth the fall out.
I am sorry to hear of your frustrations and I wish you and your Darling Husband much happiness in your lives together, regardless of who else is involved.
Post # 5
@mnp: Mine are religious control freaks as well. The church we were going to get married at my dad said he would not step foot in “if they think it was okay what my mother did” (she had an affair and left). It was horrible. He only wanted us married by his strict church that would not because we are not members. I am sorry to hear you are dealing with similar. I think you are right and we will try to focus on our own…
@Treejewel19: I remember friends just could not understand, they would say, “why don’t you just sit your mom down and tell her how the things she does make you feel.” They didn’t understand that she did not care, it would involve her making fun of me or a screaming encounter. Like you said, it just is not worth the fall out. I always hope it will be better, that I can change and it will go better, but they always make me feel hurt and upset. Thank you for relating and the well wishes. I think a move might be necessary.
I am supposed to go to my dad’s tomorrow for Easter… I just feel so awkward. It is like not talking about it is my Dad’s way of controling it.
Thank you both for responding!
Post # 6
@cbee: My grandfather made a comment after I made my wedding announcement that my mom’s cousin married a non-Catholic in the church and divorced 2 mos. later. *face palm* Really? Is that necessary?
Try to have a nice Easter!
Post # 7
I understand you want a relationship with your family, but I really don’t think that would be a wise decision, based on what you wrote here. Family is what you make of it. Why not try to strengthen you relationship with your friends near you? I just know that I woudl rather have no relationship at all that to deal with people like this who will never change.
I know you want a “normal” family, but it can never be with yours. It might be better to cut your losses, and move on
Post # 8
@mnp: Oh geeze grampa! That sounds like my family! My mother would tell you straight out something bad is going to happen to you if you are not under “God’s umbrella” – more like on her leash :/
@MrsSl82be: I think you are right. You completely understand. Sigh. Thanks, sometimes I really need to hear it. It really helps!
Post # 9
@MrsSl82be: Agreed. Planning this wedding has proven to me even more that sometimes family comes from the strangest of places. My MOH’s parents have been amazing to me and also my great aunt and uncle have been incredibly supportive. While it isn’t ideal or normal at least there is some sense of family and support.
Post # 10
I want to post some wedding photos on fb, I still haven’t! But I feel like I have to walk on eggshells 🙁 It is sad, but I don’t want to be around someone I cannot have open, honest communication with. It is how they control me.
@Treejewel19: I am glad you have found some support! I think I will have to build my own family. Spend time with only people that make me feel good. My family certainly does not! I only feel super awkward, scared, on edge. It is so hard to let go though. I am such an optimist, but I guess I need to listen to what I am saying!
Post # 11
I was expected to keep everything bottled up inside when I was younger. There were huge issues at home–mental illness and alcoholism. Still, my parents expected me to put on a happy face and pretend everything was ok all the time. I’m 30, and have no idea if anyone ever picked up on anything being “off” about my home life as a child.
I moved out when I was 20. I realized that in some ways because of how I grew up, I am somewhat of a screwed up person. I don’t try to hide it any more. I still have good friends, and a very undertanding husband.
I still don’t really talk about my feelings with my family. Having my father at my wedding (my mom passed away) was awkward for me because saying wedding vows is such an emotional thing. I can talk about them with just about anybody else, but I just can’t share my feelings with anybody I’m related to.