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Hmm....that's a tough one. I don't really know. I would lean toward yes, since you told him no touching and he did it anyway.
For me, I would have to say no...I don't know why though. If he were to do it with a girl at a party I would consider it cheating, but with a stripper I wouldn't. Isn't that crazy? I don't know why I feel that way!
What would be cheating for me is when you gave him stipulations for going, which he obviously agreed to, then violated that and waited to tell you.
I wouldn't call it "cheating" but it isn't right. It's a violation of trust, and that's horrible, but I don't think I would call it "cheating". Lying is more like it...lying about his intentions when he went to the club.
@MandaMack: agreed. i dont think it's the stereotypical definition of "cheating," but it's definitely wrong. he lied. he had his face in a stripper's "bosom."
IMO --
would i leave him for it? probably not.
would i work through it and make damn sure he understands what he did wrong? HELL YES.
No I don't think it's cheating. IMO, that's the point of going to a strip club for a bachelor party. It's not just for teh bachelor, it's for all the guys participating. The stripper is being paid to give the lap dance and rub her boobs in his face and she does it in front of everyone so I'm OK with it. It's the back room action that makes me a little uncomfortable. I know she still doesn't consider the guy an actual romantic interest and they aren't having sex, but I just don't like the idea of the lap dance happening behind closed doors with touching.
I agree with the PP's that it's not quite cheating. But it definitely is lying and disrecting you (if this is about yourself). You told him "no touching" so it doesn't matter if it was a stage dance opposed to a lap dance.
@Lindsay12.31.2010: If he were to do it with a girl at a party I would consider it cheating, but with a stripper I wouldn't. Isn't that crazy? I don't know why I feel that way!
I feel the same way, and I think it's because fi would never be in a public place motorboating a random chick, know what I mean? The venue is what makes it less cheating-esque, I mean, he was on a stage in front of people... Well that and in my mind motorboating is more silly then it is sexual, hahahaha, and it makes me think of wedding crashers...
I wouldn't consider it cheating, but dishonest. I dont think it falls into cheating category cause it was a little stage show, for some stupid fun, and he probably got nothing outta it (I hope).
oh, i just saw the comment about it not cheating cause its a stripper, but a random girl at a party, then definitely and I must agree with that too. For me it's part the enviroment, and cause a stripper is just that. Objectified. Not really a 'woman', but a show or an act. And there's no real feelings of any sort for it other than, its a strip club, and theres a random pair of boobs or whatever.
@moderndaisy: agreed. Most things that go on at strip clubs I wouldn't consider cheating (except things like sex, oral sex, etc, if that stuff does happen). I'm not saying I would be happy about it, but I don't think it's cheating, especiallly since it's more a part of the "strip club experience" and less about him being attracted to the girls.
@mandamack - Haha, I am glad you know what I mean! I don't really know how to explain it! LOL. Would I be thrilled, obviously not. Surely our FI's wouldn't motor boat random people... I hope not at least, LOL!
I think that if it is something he would not do with you there then it is cheating. Plus it is gross in my opinion.
I said yes because "no lap dance" was a stipulation in the strip club being ok, I think it's manipulative to instead get a "stage dance" which is essentially the same thing. It's like finding a loophole to still get your way.
It's cheating in my eyes to have another woman's private areas on my mans face, absolutely. Stripper or not, I'm not down. And I'm someone who is fine with strip clubs, I've been and it's all good, but touching interaction with them is not okay in my books. Which is so odd, because I've paid for previous BF's to have a lap dance when out with their buddies as a treat, but I guess that's how I know I have my keeper now because it makes me sick to think of another woman touching him.
I would be very disappointed. It's not something to leave him for but I would ask him if it was worth breaking the trust over.
It's not like it matters if it's 'cheating' or not. It's about the level of trust you can have in your FI, not about the act that causes you to lose trust. Trust lost is trust lost.
If you told him no touching, and he touched, then there's a serious problem. You can't trust a guy like that.
I'm very anti strip clubs. I think they're really stupid. BUT, I wouldn't consider that cheating. That's not to say there's nothing wrong with that, though. I would still be livid, but I wouldn't end the relationship over it.
I guess for strip clubs, I would only consider below-the-belt touching cheating.
It's not cheating, but it sure isn't honest. And I would be pissed off if he did it, bc he shouldn't feel comfortable with his face in some stranger's chest. Gross.
I understand where you're coming from, Miss Chapstick, but I think the issue isn't where any one of us draws the line. That's arbitrary. Personally, I wouldn't consider it cheating either. But what makes it cheating for the (hypothetical?) OP is that she made it clear that she didn't want him touching other ladies and he did. Bad news.
I don't think it's cheating. My husband did that at his bachelor party and they even showed me pictures. He was more embarrassed than anything after the fact. I think the lying is the bigger issue here. DH told me everything and I got all the funny detailed stories from others that he was too drunk to remember.
A stage dance is a little different than a private lap dance. Stage dances are just that, on stage and the entire club can see you. There is nothing more unsexy to a guy than being watched and laughed at by a bunch of dudes while some stripper is doing her dance. The stage dances are just meant to embarrass the guy, then spank him, write on him, and send him on his way. My poor guy had all kinds of stuff written all over him in sharpie. They didn't even get creative, just had D*&# and C#$K all over his face and chest, which he was really mad about. It took 3 showers to get it all off.
I wouldn't be mad about the motorboating, I would be mad about the lying and if that's the case, you need to make that clear to him.
No, I wouldn't consider it cheating.
On a side note, I think it's a little silly to 'allow' your man to go to a strip club and then have rules. So, perhaps that's why I don't feel like it's cheating. I think if you are ok with your man going and 'having fun' at a club, then those things (ie: boobs in his face) come with the territory.
I have to say, I'd consider it cheating. I consider anything sexual with someone else cheating, and if his face in her boobs isn't sexual, I don't know what is.
I'm sure i'm gonna get flamed for this, but here it goes....and remember its just MY opinion.
Why are women so uptight about strip clubs? I say let your guy have a wild and crazy one last night bachelor party. I think its all about trust. If your FI loves you and is going to spend the rest of his life with you then he will behave. So what if he has a girl rub up against him, thats what strip clubs are for. When it comes down to it, i know my FI loves ME and only me and would never do anything to hurt me. Thats just MY opinion.
I don't think you deserve to get flamed, but I think the OP has been cheated on according to how she defines it. Like you, I don't think stripclubs are a big deal at all, and I wouldn't be bothered by "motorboating" or private dancing or whatever. You or I would not have been cheated on. But SHE has been cheated on, and her SO has done something to hurt her. He knew she didn't want touching, and he touched. It doesn't matter where she draws the line. If I told my SO that I'd be hurt and angry if he tickled someone's elbow, and he did it, he'd be a crummy person. It doesn't matter if my feelings are silly or incomprehensible - they're my feelings and he didn't respect them.
That's why in this case it's cheating, even though it wouldn't be for you or me.
Well in my opinion, it isn't necessarily cheating, but it definitely is wrong. It isn't HIS bachelor party, so I don't see why he had his face stuffed in her tits. If it were HIS bachelor party, then maybe, just maybe, I would give him a free pass. The lying aspect of it, is wrong, but obviously he was going to lie. I don't think his intentions were necessarily to agree with you to not touch just for your permission to let him go. He probably honestly thought he wouldn't break the "rules". But men like to do as other men do, and once alcohol is involved and influence, things like that do happen, and men forget fairly quickly about the "rules". IMO, you should be happy he did tell you the truth a few days later, that means he felt guilty, and had to tell you the truth. He probably needed to build up enough guts to do so. Tell him how you feel, let him kiss your ass for a few days, and then let it be forgotten. It isn't a huge dealbreaker, IMO, but something that he needs to learn should NEVER happen again.
I don't think it's cheating. But I also don't think it's ok, since you said no touching.
It doesn't matter if other people consider it cheating, it's whether you do. If you find yourself needing to rationalize, you probably should just go with your gut.
To me, it's a bigger deal that you expressly asked him not to, and he did anyway.
So often on here you see where the couple didn't talk about it beforehand, and the bride gets mad that the groom got a lap dance, etc. You took the time to communicate with him, and he did it anyway.
I think that when it comes down to a situation like this, a message board isn't going to be much help. You need to talk to him about trust and future situations, and then listen to your instincts.
I don't think it's cheating-but the guy played the girl for a total fool and made himself look like one in the process. OBVIOUSLY if she doesn't want lap dances/touching it isn't okay to get on stage and stick your head between somebody's boobs. That's like saying "oh sorry I had oral sex, you said I just couldn't have regular sex". I mean come on. I'm sorry but it's totally sneaky and mean. The intention from the guy was to get some action from a stripper no matter what.
I'm sorry, but I started laughing when I read the title of the poll. Something about the word 'motorboating' is just so funny. I personally have a hard time understanding why the stripper issue is such a big deal, but I definitely respect that everyone has their own opinions on the issue and belief systems. I don't have a problem with my husband going to strip clubs really. He gets dragged to them a lot because he's in sales, and apparently that is some sort of bonding activity for companies. I worked in sales for a short time and got dragged to one myself, and my bosses thought it was funny to buy me several lap dances. It was awkward but definitely a funny experience looking back. That's something I would NEVER want to do on my own, but when you're in a group it's easy to get peer pressured into doing something like that.
So personally, I don't think it's cheating. I doubt your FI would ever consider actually cheating on you with that girl (who I'm sure was not even half as pretty or classy as you), it was more of the novelty of the situation that made it entertaining, and I'm sure there was peer pressure involved. The only time I'd start worrying is if he started going by himself to the club. I do agree that lying is probably a bigger issue than the act itself. He knew that it was something that you didn't want him to do, yet he did it anyway (whether he really wanted it or was peer pressured) and didn't have the guts to own up to it. If he had come clean right away and acknowledged it as a mistake it wouldn't have been nearly as bad. I agree that you guys need to have a serious talk about trust, and definitely make him earn it back! I don't think this situation is worth ruining your relationship over though.
From my perspective, "cheating" is about dishonesty more than about sex. So if it were my spouse, the motorboating thing wouldn't bother me. However, saying in advance that there would be no touching, then motorboating, then not telling you for several days what happened, would be cheating.
By "stage dance" are we saying sitting by the stage and she goes around dancing for/rubbing on each person sitting there or actually sitting on the stage? Because if its the first then it's an awkward not really a big deal sort of thing because she goes down the line doing something to everyone (then you give her a dollar). The second is where they get beat up (like smacked with a belt) a bit by the girl(s), this is usually paid for up front by a group; my FI didn't like it when we made him do this for his birthday and ended his time on stage by climbing the pole himself.
I'd say the problem is you set rules and they weren't followed, not so much cheating.
I think it is surely a violation of trust and the no touching rule that had been established. Under the circumstances described in the OP (set boundaries violated, FI paying the $), I voted that it was cheating. I think cheating or other boundaries that couples set clearly vary from couple to couple, as we've seen in the threads about bach parties lately. I know for FI and me, I would consider it cheating since it was a violation of trust, he hid it for a bit/didn't bring it up, and there was touching involved. But that's our line, everyone's is different and for different reasons.
I think so. Would you consider it cheating if you found out he did that to a coworker? Or a female friend? Or a lady on the street? Just because it was a stripper doesn't excuse the behavior. Watching strippers strip is one thing. Motorboating them is quite another. And yes, if he lied and felt guilty about it, I think it qualifies as cheating.
Everyone's definition of cheating is different, so you have to go by what feels right and wrong to you. I don't think you can really take a poll on this one or have a consensus. There are girls here who think all that happens at strip clubs is nothing but good fun. Then there's the complete opposite camp. I'm with Lillindy on this one. Anything that involves anything sexual with someone who isn't your partner is cheating to me. Heck, I'd be insulted if my husband even expressed a desire to go to a strip club. I just can't understand how any self-respecting woman would be ok with this, and others can't understand why we're so "uptight". As far as "violating the rule" part, I think as soon as a guy enters that atmosphere there are too many gray areas, so all that "looking but no touching, touching but no back room etc" don't make much sense to me. If you're not 100% comfortable with strip clubs chances are something's that's gonna bother you will happen. So again, you have to decide what's right to you, how your man feels about it and whether you can live with the differences if there are any.
ANYTHING sexual with another person is cheating in my book. He didn't tell you because he KNEW it was wrong... but he still did it. I'm sorry for the disappointment and distress this is causing you, I draw a hard line in the sand, but that's what I need. It depends on your needs.
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...your FI went to a strip club for a friend's bachelor party - which was ok with you - and you told him 1) no touching and 2) no lap dances and he got a "stage dance" instead without telling you until days later. A stage dance is where the dancer dances against him while sitting on the stage. Especially if he paid her to put his face between her boobs and shake her chest back and forth, which violates the no touching rule?