Post # 1
I was just wondering if you considered your in laws your family (like you would your mom and dad, or siblings etc). I come from a family that is very quiet, uneventful but not boring we just lack drama between us. My husbands family always has something going on, and I have had my ups and downs with them but we are good right now. My mother in law is nice, I get along great with my husbands step dad and step sister and his other siblings are okay too but I do not consider them my family, or important to me. I see them more as acquaintances for the most part.
I used to want to be part of his family but once I did, things were just too much for me to handle. For example his step sisters got jealous of me because their dad always talked about me as the child he never had (both his daughters are older than me, cannot pay their bills, constantly fail classes, have crazy relationships and when their dad pays for everything they don’t even say thanks). The one step sister who likes me a lot (even if she admitted to being jealous) calls me constantly because she thinks she is pregnant but refuses to use condoms. I try to help but she also seems bothered when I suggest she use birth control or condoms, even though she swears she wants no kids. My husbands brother is a mommy’s boy who is always trying to get money from his mom or my husband. He has a crazy girlfriend, no one likes her in his family because she has been rude to everyone. He basically said we should treat her nice despite what she does, because she doesn’t have many friends and is disliked in her own family so she thinks everyone hates her.
My family is not perfect but we get along well, my two siblings can support themselves (even if it means working multiple jobs), we are nice to our parents and try to help our parents as much as possible. My parents don’t ask for money or any type of help, we willingly do it. My sisters husband is the only one whom our relationship could improve with but we are still polite and his family(as in his mom and dad etc) consider us part of their family as well.
Is it okay that I do not want to be close to my husband’s family? I am not trying to pull him away, if he wants to visit I accompany him and I never talk bad about them to him. Is it okay if I avoid holidays with them? Especially if I really am volunteering that day but have lied about how long my volunteering shift is? I feel like a bad person. Please give me advice, thoughts, past experiences? Thanks.
Post # 2
i can understand how your feeling but in reality when you guys get married, his family becomes your family as well as your family becomes his. And unless your so is ok with this I believe you shouldn’t avoid all holidays because it’s not fair to your so. What happens if you two get married and have kids. when you get married and have kids, it’s important to spend holidays together and teach your children that family is a joint thing. if you marry this man, you will need to face the fact that you will have some holidays with his family. That is part of a marriage and compromising.
Post # 3
- Wedding: February 2015 - Chapel on Base
Yes, I do. His mom terrifies me and I have no reason to even feel the way I do. His dad adores me. My future in laws accepted us, my daughters and I, unconditionally.
You are entitled to feel however you feel. Your feelings are not right or wrong.
Post # 4
My husband’s family does not consider me family. They’ve never said it, but it’s beyond obvious. They are nice to me (most times) in an in-law “we have to be” sorta way, but none have tried to get to know me on a personal level whatsoever. I’ve tried to form a bond with my SIL but she is so self absorbed and antisocial that I’ve stopped trying. I was always the one initiating conversation with her. My MIL goes from being nice and happy somedays to bat shit crazy. I never know who I’m getting with her when we go for a visit. They are not very welcoming to people that are married into the family and not accepting of them right away at all. Seems the only way they’ll start to like you is if you do things for them on a continuous basis.
Therefore, to answer your question, no I don’t consider them family. I was thrilled to marry into a big family at first and was looking forward to extending my arms wide open and having a great relationship with everyone, but they are exact opposite of that type. Takes two people to try to have a relationship, so I’m at a point now where I’m kinda like, F it…
It’s unfortunate, but it is what it is.
Post # 5
Diamond84: I agree completely. this is how it is with my now husband’s family. They were never welcoming (I’m not even sure if they realise they’re not welcoming?). They were the same to some of my husbands friends as well as girlfriends. I’ve kind of given up. I’m nice to them etc and they’re nice enough to me but that’s it. The extended family seems more welcoming to me after engagement and now marriage… Even though we were together a decade… Weird huh? Oh well.
My mum had a similar thing with her in-laws. I think some people would be surprised how often it happens.
Post # 6
Yup. Sure do. They are my family and I considered them as such long before I married their son. DH is an only child though so I filled the role of the daughter they never had. They love me and I love them. My parents consider DH a son and my sisters and BIL consider him their brother. My in laws even join my side of the family for holidays. Beats having to split them. The more the merrier! Heck our parents frequently hang out together and are really good friends now. They consider each other family too.
Now, if my parents and in laws weren’t the type of people they are things would be different. Our families are just very much alike so it made the joining of the two families easy. My sister’s in laws on the other hand… Yeah, they barely consider their son family. The only person who considers her to be family is her DH’s grandpa. He comes to all our family holidays too. He very much considers all of us his family. My sisters and I were his “granddaughters” long before my sister married. We spent many long summer days at his and his late wife’s house growing up though, so we’ve a deeper connection than just in laws to tie us together. My BIL was raised by his grandparents not his parents btw.
Im very lucky to be in such a situation. Coming from the family I have, I’d be very sad if my in laws didn’t consider me family.
Post # 7
Some yes, some no. My FI’s mum and I have serious differences of opinion – if she wasn’t part of his life I would never ever choose to even cross paths with her. As it goes, I know I have to deal with her (and she with me), but I would never consider myself a true ‘daughter’ of hers. Nor does she treat me as one. In fact, I’ve even spoken to FI and said I don’t like receiving gifts from her because then she acts like I owe her something.
His dad on the other hand I would do anything for – he’s a gentle, sweet man, and I’m very glad and lucky to have him in my life. It makes it really difficult when we go to their house, as I don’t feel welcome there at all, and always feel on edge.
Anywho – I live in hope that over time she might become less sensitive about everything (although I don’t expect it, before someone jumps on the whole ‘she’ll never change’ thing!). Until then I make do and try to not get angry about it, as I accept she is a part of his life that isn’t going anywhere in a hurry. It’s actually really saddening for me as it never used to be this way and we used to get on fine before my relationship with FI got serious.
Post # 8
“I do not consider them my family, or important to me. I see them more as acquaintances” that’s a really upsetting thing to say. If my SO said that about my family I would be so hurt and upset. You don’t have to love your inlaws as much as you love your own family but if they are important to your of they should be important to you. I don’t agree with everything my SO’s family says or does and I doubt I will ever call them mum and dad like I know some people do. But they are definitely more to me than just acquaintances.
Post # 9
We aren’t married yet and I’ve considered them family and have felt like family since really early on. But as some PP have said, some families are easier to fit into. When we told my in-laws we were planning on getting married their reaction was pretty underwhelming, but not for negative reasons. We’ve just been family since the beginning, so for us signing a paper isn’t going to change anything really. My SO is part of the family business and we see them every day which likely helped us get close so fast. I am grateful that they’re so amazing, we likely wouldn’t be together if the family dynamic didn’t work since it’s so important to both of us.
I should also mention that my SIL lives with us (long story). So, it’s a good thing we get along because shit could have gotten really uncomfortable fast when she moved in if we didn’t.
I definitely feel fortunate
Post # 10
Absolutely, I do. My FI and I are in a LDR because I am in school. I have not met any of them yet, physically, but I talk with his siblings all the time by text and phone. His mother wants to meet me and asks when she is going to meet me. I send her Edibile Arrangements on Mother’s Day and her birthday. His mom speaks fluent Spanish and I speak only a little of the language. These holidays have been hard on me and I am praying that God will find favor in me and one day allow me to sit around the dinner table with my new family. I will miss my biological parents, but I know they will be happy for me.
Post # 11
Diamond84: +1 … my situation is exactly the same sadly.
Post # 12
I do but they’ll never mean as much to me as my own family. I’ve had my differences with my ILs but I do love them all. Well, at least most of them.
Post # 13
Actually, I don’t consider my ILs family. I regard them and treat them the same way I would treat any other acquaintances. There’s nothing wrong with his family per se (beyond things are wrong with every family) but I just don’t consider myself a part of his family. I asked him about this and he also doesn’t consider himself part of my family. Instead, we feel that when we got married we initiated our own family. It’s probably a contributing factor that we don’t know each other’s families very well. We’re from different countries and I’ve visited his family a time or two and he has never visited mine. I honestly have trouble remembering his siblings’ names.
Post # 14
I consider DH’s whole family as my family. His entire family accepted me as one of their own from the first time I met them. MIL was calling me her DIL for years before we actually got married. And my SILs are like the sisters I never got to have.
DH also feels the same about my family. We were actually discussing this after having dinner with my parents, my half-brother and my two nieces…we are so lucky that we don’t have any in-law family drama.
Post # 15
I love my FH’s family. They treat me as one of them, and my family treats him (and my SIL) like they are family. Not having this sort of connection with his family is a serious dealbreaker for me.