Post # 1
I was just wondering- since we are midway through the holidays, do you bees dread this time of year because of family fights- you know what I’m talking about.
“You spend too much time with his family!”
“Why don’t you want to see us?”
“You guys were with them for that LAST year. It’s our turn.”
How do you handle holiday time with the families? What do you find works best for you?
As a newlywed, this is our first time doing the holiday thing. And Thanksgiving was a DISASTER!
Post # 3
oooh, we actually have had to tell our moms families how we’re dividing holiday time in August. yes, AUGUST.
we usually do: one gets thanksgiving, (my family) gets christmas eve, his family gets christmas day. and whoever didn’t get thanksgiving this year, will get it next year. so on and so forth.
best advice i can give. be firm in your plans. if you keep trying to wiggle them around to please everyone, you will stress and your joy will be taken from the holidays. and how bunk would that be?!?
Post # 4
That’s a great idea! How did they react initially to that?
I’ll admit. I’m a sucker for feelings. My husband is not. When everything got too out of hand for Thanksgiving, he said, “We don’t need to stay for this. Wanna go?” So we did. I think it would be a little easier if we didn’t live 12 hours away from family in the first place. Ugh.
Thanks for the post! Keem em coming!
Post # 5
@symphony: We live in the same city as his family and my family lives about 15 hours away so we have it split up already, one Christmas here one Christmas there. It works. But this is our first Christmas as a married couple and we kind of wanted to do our own thing…we werent gutsy enough to say it, so we are still going to my parents place and his famliy is going to mexico!
Post # 6
intitially, as to be expected, there was some… ahem, resistance. and i was a sucker for feelings as well, until i realized i was DREADING the holidays. WHAT? that’s preposturous. you’re not supposed to dread the holidays!! that’s when the proverbial foot came on down. i wanted to love christmas again thankyouverymuch!
it helped when, not in the heat of the moment, i was able to point out to my mom that if she got what she wanted, FI’s famiy would get us on… Flag Day, Arbor Day… and that’s it. it gave a moment of perspective that is desperately needed and so often lost.
take back your holidays, girl!!!
Post # 7
We don’t have this issue at all. We host both families for all major holidays! They can come and spend as much time with us as they want and leave when they please! It’s great and nobody complains! We love it since we got to set the precedent!
Post # 8
@BaileyH- it’s a hard thing!!
@Dolce Bella- good work! So true. Sometimes things just need to be said. I’m just gonna put on the biggirl britches and have a sitdown with the ma’s. How did you deal with the inlaw side of it?
@Banditgirl- love it! how long have you guys been doing that?
Post # 9
Ugh yes, Especially since my moms bday is on christmas, she wants us to spend more time with her and my dad. Its tough
Post # 10
“How did you deal with the inlaw side of it?”
i told my FI to let me know when he was done letting his mama know.
Post # 11
It’s the worst!! Ijust got off the phone with my sister where I had to tell her that I am going to FI’s house on Christmas and won’t be spending it at her house. Both of our parents are remarried and spending Christmas Day with those families, so she is upset and bent out of shape that I won’t be with her and her husband and kids on Christmas Day.
It’s a frigging disaster. FI and I live 6 hours away from my family and 10 away from his. He will come to my house the 21-23, then spend Christmas Eve with his family and I will stay with mine, then I will drive to his house on the 25th to have dinner with his family and stay until the 28th. THEN he will come to my family for New Years and then we will head back home.
No matter what, I can’t win…I stay home with my sister and her family for Christmas, my FI gets mad. I go to his family, my sister gets mad. I am thisclose to saying screw it, we are staying home, and if you want to see us on Christmas, you are more than welcome to make the 6 or 10 hour trip. God forbid anyone inconveninence themselves for us, even though we are expected to drive across MI, OH, and PA to see everyone.
I think I need a drink.
Post # 12
@symphony: since we bought our house 8 years ago! Once we had our house, we knew it was the perfect size to host everyone for the holidays. So we decided to make it the Holiday house! It’s been great and we love doing it that way.
Post # 13
@BanditGirl: that’s what we plan to do once we buy a house. right now we only have one spare bedroom and hosting 12-15 people (we both have a lot of siblings) would be too much for our little apartment.
right now, i just accept that all of our families are going to be pissed off about one thing or another regarding holidays. whatever.
Post # 14
We live far away from both families, and it was made clear pretty early on that there would be no system of “dibs” or trading or whathaveyou because we can’t be sure when we’ll have money to travel.
Obviously, this has limits. My parents would probably be happy to help us pay for tickets to spend Christmas with them, but we saw them last year and my ILs aren’t in a position to make a similar offer, so here we will stay.
It’s natural for parents to want everything to stay the same, but once you get married that just isn’t realistic. If only everyone could be graceful about the process…
Post # 15
I’m sorry the holidays have become such a stressful time for some of you as well!
Here’s how Thanksgiving went. My mom works 12 hour shifts- and four of the days we were there (we were in their state for 8 days) so even if we spent most of the day with everyone else in my family, there were times she wouldn’t see us that day. Also, one of the days she was off, I had to work a clinical since I was working on finishing up a program- which upset her. Apparently I was supposed to plan it on a day she wouldn’t be home- but the only days available to work it were days that she was off. We spent most of Thanksgiving at my parents house, and several of the days there as well. We also went snowboarding on a day she was working- but divied up the time between the houses pretty evenly!
The day before we were leaving, she left for a few hours to go Christmas shopping and then was furious that I didn’t get up and go with her. She didn’t let me know when she was going, hadn’t talked to me at all the night before because she was angry, and then didn’t want to talk to me at home until I packed up and left because I didn’t want to be around that kind of environment.
Later that night, she called and asked if we could go get something to eat and talk for awhile. It turned into “Why do we always get the left overs? Why don’t you ever make an effort to see me? Why didn’t you come see us first when you came, you knew I was working the next day.”
It ended with both of us in tears, and I’m still not sure what to do about Christmas. My husband refuses to sleep at their house- guest sleep in the family room, so everyone is always in there on the fold out couch (which is what we sleep on) to watch tv, leaving old food in there, and there is just no privacy. I know someone’s going to flip a lid over that one for Christmas but I’m done worrying about it!
Post # 16
@symphony: Yikes! Can you guys stay home and have your own Christmas? It may make everyone else mad, but that’s kinda their problem. You and your husband aren’t obligated to spend time with people who make you miserable, even if you are related to them, especially during times when you’re supposed to be celebrating family and togetherness.