Post # 1
I know that many of us in long term relationships feel like it’s never going to happen as you see EVERYONE else around you get engaged/married… hell, pop out a few kids in the time that you and your SO have only been bf/gf… But, have you ever felt defeated in the aspect of the thoughts of why doesn’t he WANT to marry me? You know he loves you, but it just seems like marriage is so far off of thier brains. I had to give him an ultimatum and I feel like I get really upset sometimes thinking about that I had to get to that point, why couldn’t he have just done it on his own? Why are some men so eager to marry and others drag thier feet. Lord, we have been together for 9 years and he has always intended to spend “forever” with me, but marriage is just too much?!? I have felt this way far before I gave him an ultimatum… lord knows I really thought about it before I brought it up, and to be really honest, it was more of a joking one… hey dude, you need to do it before 10 years for real!
funny/sad thing is, my best guy friend told me he would propose to his GF by 3.5 years b/c he refused to put her thru what my guy has done to me! Well, they are married, and i’m still waiting! haha. Boys!
Post # 2
Yup!! I ask myself this question ALOT. He’s been married, divorced, through 3 deployments and never had any woman be as good to him as I have! (Speaking from his father and his sister!)
Soo why isn’t he eager to keep me dammit?!
It’s frustrating- I totally feel your pain girl!
It wasn’t until he caught me mid-break down 3 weeks ago that turned semi-fight for him to realize how hard this is on me and that I won’t WAIT much longer! We finally bought a ring but he still hasn’t proposed!! I’m going crazy…
Post # 3
MandaD: Edited 🙂 Gabrielle713: Bahaha! You’re totally right. I’m sorry! I re-read it and was like, that was totally off-topic and sounded bitchy (even though it wasn’t meant to). I meant to relate but didn’t get my point across. I really meant to say like, I don’t know why some guys take so long to take the plunge, especially when their girls are so awesome. I look at that situation with a lot of my girl friends who are waiting and think it’s so weird because they are basically married (living together, committed, in love etc) buuuut for some reason the guy isn’t there yet. In those cases, I don’t think it’s about the guy not wanting to, I think they do want to, I think that for whatever reason it just takes some guys longer to be ready or mature or whatever. I don’t know. Now I’m rambling because I look like a douche. Either way, good luck ladies.
Post # 4
FutureMRS3lastnames: ummmm yeah I don’t think that helped much. But thanks?
Post # 5
I don’t doubt it is coming… I have expressed the importance of it to me for many reasons and he has been very receptive to it stating he just didn’t know I was in a hurry (9+ yrs… hurry? lol) We are now officially the only unmarried people in our group and have been together the longest. Our relationship is strong and I am grateful, but i’m ready and I fear that he will only do it b/c I told him he had to.
Post # 6
FutureMRS3lastnames: ahahah… I didn’t think you sounded bitchy at all… but now i’m lol.
Post # 7
MandaD: If a guy doesn’t want to get married. And marriage was important to me. That would be the end of us. I need someone who has the same views as me on very important topics. That’s okay that a guy doesn’t want to get married, but that’s when the strong woman has to come out and say “I see where you’re coming from, but I would like…” No compromise? Then fine. I’m not forcing anyone to do anything. Here’s my walking papers. Did that once. Waited around for a guy who “didn’t want to get married.” No… He didn’t want to marry me. There’s a difference. Although yeah, maybe some guys don’t ever end up marrying because they don’t want to. I’m not sticking around to find out. Glad I moved on (worked for me). Found the man who I am suppose to be with, who communicates properly, compromises and shares the same views & goals.
Best of Luck OP. Go with your gut and do what makes you happy. All will happen as it is suppose to.
Post # 8
FutureMRS3lastnames: LOL!! Thank you for the edit!! So much better!That was almost like salt in the wound! The ladies on the bee are awesome here I swear!
MandaD: Our guys are so lucky were patient huh? Our relationship is strong too so I have no doubts. I just don’t understand why he needs the extra push ya know?
Post # 9
It would be great if every guy knew exactly when the right time for their partner was… But that’s not always the case. I just had a conversation with two coworkers about why guys drag their feet, and we agreed that pressure is a big reason; pressure to get the ring right, to get the proposal right, for the timing to be perfect, to be financially stable, etc… I know this isn’t the reason for everyone, but I’m pretty sure it was the reason for my guy. We had a few conversations about it that were pretty rough, emotionally, before I think he understood how important it was to me and how hurtful it had been to wait. I don’t know that I could have waited 10 years… I only went through this uncertainty for about 1 year (we’d been together longer, but it was about a year from when we first SERIOUSLY spoke about engagement, not just flirted with the idea, until we were engaged) and it was hell. I am so sorry you are going through this!
I don’t know if anyone has the answer for somebody else’s relationship, but I am so glad that we had all of the difficult conversations we did. It at least made me feel like he knew how I felt, even when there wa no movement. I had gotten to a point where I was afraid to rock the boat or make him unhappy; I wanted the relationship to be easy so he’d want to be married! But in all honesty, that wasn’t being fair to either of us. I hope that you guys are able to get on the same page! And if you want to stick it out and wait, don’t let anyone feed you any of this “if a guy REALLY wants to be married to you, he’ll move heaven and earth” stuff. I don’t believe it is as simple as all that. I do believe it is important for both partners to be happy with the status of their relationship. Only you can decide if it’s time to move on or if you are happy and want to continue on.
Post # 10
Yeah, i asked myself that a lot. My bf and i have known each other for 20 years and been together for the last 12..we have been to all of his friends and families weddings, after seeing them get together after we did :/
Im not sure if anyone else feels this but i sometimes felt humiliated, like people were looking at us and thinking that there must be something wrong with me that he didnt want to marry me. Over the past 3/4 years ive made it clear how this has made me feel, that its been eating away at my self esteem and making me feel like im not as good as the other wonen who’s guys cant wait to marry them. So cue several painful convos where we have both been in tears.
I actually think a lot of men take a while to come round to the idea of marriage especially when things are made comfortable for them. I know for my bf he kinda needed that time to mature and so did i but it was only when i told him i couldnt live like this that he woke up. So long story short we have picked a beautiful ring, he told me he has the money saved and proposal will be by the end of the month!
So i dont think its neccessarily anything that we do, i just think that men like to have as easy a life as possible and if they dont see any real reason to marry they just might never get round to it.
Post # 11
I wonder whether some guys think marriage = babies as a lot of couples do start trying straight away, so maybe the delay is more to do with not being ready for the whole thing rather than not being ready for marriage specifically.
Post # 12
Whether or not a man wants to get married, has little to do with his girlfriend and everything to do with himself. My two cents. We have the romantic notion that if a man were madly in love with a woman, he’d rush to marriage. But I think he just needs to reach the place in life where he’s ready and that could be 20 or 40. No matter how beautiful or brilliant or kind or funny a woman is, she can’t force a man who doesn’t feel ready to suddenly feel ready.
Post # 13
I was never “waiting” either time I got married. I did not know that was a thing until I came on here after becoming engaged. I am going to tell you what my DH told me when I asked him about this…
There are a few reasons, don’t assume these apply to you. You would have to ask your BF…
1) He does not want to marry you
2) He does not want to marry anyone, ever
3) He is against marriage for specific reasons, but does not want to lose you, so he will just tell you want to hear
4) He thinks marriage will ruin the “good thing” that he has going
5) He is not ready
6) He has poor influences around him (happily divorced family members, friends, etc) and uses them as an excuse
In my situation, my DH said he knew he would not leave me, but he was only sure he wanted to marry me when his mom mentioned it (“Do you love her” he said yes, she said “Why not marry her then?”) His mom is almost perfect in his eyes, so her opinion helped. We were at her church and a random guy there told him that he should marry me also, haha! It helps to hear it from people they care about or random ones. We got engaged after about a year and nine months, lived together after 2 or 3 months of dating. It really depends on the man and what is important to him… Good luck ladies, I hope things work out well for you!
Post # 14
MandaD: I was the first of all of my friends to get married and it failed. And now most are married, having babies and some are now facing divorce. It’s so hard to go to each wedding and snuggle each new baby waiting for SO to be ready.
rubysoho80: SO and I have only been together just over 2 years and I even I feel a little humilaited, also because SO hadn’t taken care of the paper work technically he was still married until recently. Anytime someone asked when it was our turn SO thought it was hilarious to mention techinically I’m his mistress. HA effing HA!
Gabrielle713: I know my SO is scared to do it again because he was married before. He’ll never admit it but I know hes afraid of failing again, or getting his heart broken so I’ve had to be very patient.
I just recently laid down the law. Explained how I felt that he hadn’t bothered to fill out a set of forms to make his divorce official. Told him he needed to get moving because I was tired of waiting. I told him if we’re still buying a house and getting married next year I’d like to be engaged by the end of the year. His response was to meet his ex wife and get his divorce application in.
I dont presume to think that will work with every man, mine just happens to enjoy a swift kick in the ass!
Post # 15
It is really difficult for me to understand. He says he wants to and he loves me, but it hasn’t happened. I can’t help but think it’s my inadequecies or I’m not good enough.