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I definitely do feel bad. Its so awkward for me! I did the same thing, all the girls are wearing the same dress. I did consider the price so its reasonable but I just feel bad mandating them to buy anything at all. Plus the hotel and shoes if they don't have any that will work. Oh, and I have one BM that hasn't bought her dress yet. And while I'm sure it won't be a problem, I can't help but want to ask her to get on it!
I do sometimes, yeah, but all of my friends know it comes with the territory, most have been in weddings before. I bought one of my BMs her dress because I really wanted her to be able to come to the bachelorette party and I knew she wouldn't be able to do both. She is the only one I really feel bad about because I know her and her husband aren't rolling in it right now - he's still in school, she's planning on going back to school when he's done. So, yeah, I feel guilty a little but I've tried to make it easy on them. It's part of the deal, though. You agree to certain costs when you agree to be a BM.
@jennifer: I'm the same way as you! 3 out of 5 BM's took forever to order their dresses. The dealine was first September 1st, then September 30th...and they didn't go until the end of October to get theirs! Ah! But thankfully they all showed up about 1-2 weeks ago at the same time. I was a little biotch to them for a little while because they didn't care at all that there was a deadline, and they weren't letting me know anything about what they were doing about getting the dresses, etc. & they always complained it was $$, but then they would go shopping for their own personal things ALL THE TIME...so yeah, I got kind of upset then...but, I still felt bad :(
I don't feel bad at all. My BM's all new the deal when I asked them. If they weren't able to pay for it, they would have let me know. I was easy on them, they only had to buy a dress and get their hair done. Other than that shoes, makeup, jewlery, etc was up to them.
I feel bad! That worst is that I keep changing my mind!!! My poor MOH already bought the dress and now I am telling them they can choose their own. I would hate me if I were her!!!!
I do, but then I think of what I have been put through. I was just in a wedding where the dress was $250, the shoes were $50 and on top of that we had to have a special bustle that was $150 (including minor alterations). And on the day of the wedding she had makeup artists and hairdressers and we had to get both done and pay for both. That's what pissed me off the most, what if I didn't have an extra $80 in cash for my makeup? So I guess while we feel a little guilty as long as you stop and think of a way you can help your girls then you are doing fine.
i totally feel bad too. rationally, i know they are expecting it, and i know i'm being very accomodating and considerate (like, i'm paying for a portion of the dress for a couple girls, and i asked for a lot of input)...but still...i feel guilty! i just chose the dress options about a week and a half ago, and it took me a couple days to get the nerve up to tell them all about it, it's like i got stage fright right before sending the email!
Oh yeah Lees- my BM's have no real problem with the money since they spend it on random stuff (like expensive NYC dinners), they just happen to be procrastinators by nature. Which I am not so I have a hard time understanding. However, I have yet to freak out on them. I did end up booting a BM though. She said she wasn't going to have the money for the dress because she was buying a house so I was like, "uuuuuuuh, wellllll, that's great, so happy for you, but... I'll still need all my BM's in a dress". Luckily it didn't get ugly!
I do and I don't. I found a reasonably priced bridesmaid dress, which made me feel a lot better ($119) and they can wear whatever shoes they want, so they don't have to buy anything additional. I talked with my girlfriend who got married last summer and she said not to feel bad about things, they are my bridesmaids and wouldn't have said yes if they didn't want to, and couldn't, do it. I know that some brides might go to the extreme ($300 bridesmaid dress), but I think as long as you take them into consideration when making decisions there is nothing to really feel bad about. I actually told my girls that if they can't afford it, since all but one have to travel a long distance, to not get me a gift, them being a part of mine and my FI's day is enough of a gift for us:)
@roxy: Wow, I can't believe you had to pay for all that! I'm currently trying to find a way to help my girls out with alterations so they won't have to pay for that, TOO. But, I can't find someone who's not that expensive!
I don't feel bad because I am making them myself. As for their shoes and jewelry, I purchased their shoes and I made their jewelry. Right now I am leaving them to do their hair, makeup, and nails; however, I will probably take care of those as well, so I guess I did/do feel guilty because I am paying for everything.
@Lees4308- That was only the beginning. The three day bachalorette party, two nights at the hotel, no open bar (which I know isn't a big thing but it would have been nice), and of course a shower and a wedding gift. And our gift were earning that broke the second we started dancing. But I still love the bride, she is just went ignorant to money. I don't think it ever crossed her mind.
After being in the wedding I actually found my $230 dresses for $156. The girls can wear their own shoes, I just want silver and sandals. And I am paying for hair and makeup. I don't want my girls to stress about being able to afford to be part of my day.
I felt bad and I didn't at the same time.
I had only three girls and everyone had such different opinions than each other (and no one liked what I originally wanted), I just told them all (happily) to get whatever dress they wanted in a shade of plum (didn't even care if it matched). They all ended up getting the same BM dress, and it cost $190 with tax and shipping, so they spent more than I wanted them to, but it was their choice.
One girl wore shoes she already had, one girl got hers at Target for 20 bucks, and the other bought brand new shoes for $70, but bought them because she loved them and plans on rewearing them all the time. I also didn't make it mandatory to get their hair/make-up/nails done.
So, I felt bad that they spent more on their dresses, BUT, like I said, it was their choice and their hotels rooms were cheap because they shared. So all in all, they didn't spend that much to be in the wedding.
Yea I totally feel bad but I think you just need to focus on the fact that it's part of the whole thing. You know? These girls shouldn't expect us to pay for their dress either. It totally sucks, but it is the nature of the situation. That is at least what I tell myself so I don't feel bad. I also think I am going to buy the jewelry and maybe let them wear their own shoes? We'll see. But I am with ya. I feel bad every time we talk about it!
I'm letting my girls pick theirs out, and I still feel bad that they have to buy a dress and shoes for it! I mean, the hope is that with them picking it out, they'll get to wear it again. But, thinking honestly about my BMs, most of them don't wear dresses except for special occasions, so most likely they won't get much use out of them.
I just try to remind myself that a) I'm not being crazy with what I'm asking b) I don't expect a gift and c) I was happy to do it for FSIL... it made me feel good to be included, and I hope my friends feel the same!
It sounds like you are great to your ladies, so I don't think you have anything to worry about.
@ Lees: I think it is nice that you are taking into consideration their feelings. I am sure they are happy to oblige.
Quick question: Are you expecting a gift from your bridal party? Although I have given a gift to the couple in any wedding I have been in, as a bride, I wouldn't expect one from my maids. So, I guess this is just a heads up not to be disappointed if you don't get one from all of them.
@heather: I was only expecting a gift at the bridal shower, should I not? You guys tell me what the right thing to do in that is...I'm going to tell them to not worry about the wedding gift.
yes, i had guilt about that, even though i asked them to pick out their own dress or wear something they had. Just know that they're your close friends, and would tell you if they had a big problem. As long as you're not making them buy the most $ dress, shoes, hair and make up and all that nonsense, you're ok.
Well, you may hear on this board not to expect any gift from your bridal party. Especially in this economy. Honestly, I never go to an invited event without something, even if I am in the bridal party. I would say, take clues from your social situation and what has happened at other weddings/showers in your area. Whatever happens, you seem like a classy gal, since you are already being considerate of their feelings. I am sure it'll all work out great!
R & I were both in the wedding party for FSIL, and gave both a shower gift and a wedding gift. They weren't extravagant, but we wanted to do something. They never asked us for them, of course, it was just our choice! Like you, I don't expect anything from my ladies, but I think most of them will get something.
Personally in regards to the wedding gift I just wouldn't bring it up. The correct thing to do whether you are in the wedding or not is to give a wedding gifts. If they can afford to give you a gift they will if they can't they won't. I just wouldn't even discuss it.
Yea well I did feel bad at first but listening to all these stories i feel better although one cancelled out on me via text this morning when my wedding is 107 days away. My dresses i found for $49 but found a coupon 2 of the girls could use which gave them $10 off and shoes were $49 with $3 dying fee. This one particular bride had the coupon never got the shoes and has cancelled after i asked her almost a yr ago and even confronted her 2 months ago before I finalized everything. I am so mad but at the same time I didnt even get everything I wanted but I made myself like it so they could afford things.
I know how you feel! The dresses I am looking at right now are about $250-$300.....I dont think I care about what shoes they wear and I want their hair down for the wedding so they wont have to pay for that (I think I will pay for hair that day anyways). But I already feel guilty and the wedding isnt until May 2011! So I have some time before I have to tell them
I feel bad- which is one reason I'm not having a wedding party. :)
I've spent a lot of time thinking about this and honestly, with my experiences being a BM, I just feel better about asking my sister to stand up, wear what she wants, and to just be there. We're having a nontraditional wedding, so this probably works better in my situation then if we were having a formal or traditional wedding.
i felt horrible telling the girls which dress i wanted them to buy. i could only go try on dresses with my sister, one of my bridesmaids, and my mom and we all agreed that we liked one dress the best out of all and none of the others compared to the one we all liked. however, when i asked the bridesmaids which dresses they liked in an email, they all wrote back liking different styles, so that didn't work. in the end, nobody cared when i told them that i wanted them to wear the one dress. to lessen the blow of the $180 dress, i talked to my mom and we're contributing $50 to each girls dress. i told them that shoes and accessories were up to them!
Yes. Absolutely without a doubt, yes. And no, but mostly yes. That's why I knew going in that they could buy any dress in Navy as long as it fit their budget, looked good on them, and that they'd wear again, and also any shoes, etc. I'm also paying for their hair and make up and buying them a cozy pashmina to stay warm in, so I don't feel bad about asking them to buy all the other stuff!
I bought the dresses for my gals and told them to wear whatever silver shoes they already own. I couldn't care less about what jewelry they wear either. I'm paying for them to get their hair done on the day off and will have MUA onsite if they want to pay to get their make up done.
I dont feel bad... i know how much Bridesmaid dresses can cost.. So I am pitching in to pay for half of the dress of each girl....
I have horrible guilt over this!
I want to be super accomodating to everyone so I'm paying $50 towards the dress and $50 towards their hair and make up. And I'm letting everyone pick their own dress as long as its Mori Lee Tiffany Blue Chiffon. All I care about is the fact that they'll be there along with me on my wedding day - the rest is just details
I do feel bad and that's why I bought their dresses and am going to pay for their hair and makeup. They can purchase whatever shoes so if they want to spend money, it's up to them .. I just remember my MOH complaining for the last wedding she was in and how she went broke for it. I really don't want to be that bride! I figure the price is worth it to have them by my side.
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I know some of you ladies are super helpful with helping the BM's pick their own dresses, whether it be $50.00 or $150.00, which is great. But I did the standard bridal shop BM dress where every girl had to get the same dress & it wound up being about $180.00 & they still have to buy shoes.
& on top of that, get me a gift! I was in 2 of my friends weddings, so I know they understand...but as for the other ladies who basically know nothing about weddings, I feel horrible. I feel bossy a lot of times asking the ladies when to get their shoes & whatnot. My wedding's a month away & none of the ladies have bought their shoes yet which is perfectly fine with me, as long as they're here by the wedding date & they fit right. & some haven't paid for their 2nd part of their dress, which also, is fine but they may have to get alterations.
I'm not going to "tell" them they need to do these things, I'm just going to *hope*. But do you guys ever feel bad like I do?!