Post # 1
When DH and I started ttc about a year ago we agreed I would stay home at least the first year to finish school and spend time with the baby. DH knew this was really important to me . We are financially stable so it’s not unreasonable and I did this with my first child and am so thankful I had that chance. So many things happen that first year and I want to be there and develop that bond.
Our baby is seven weeks old now and since week one my iblaws have been pressuring me about working again. They make me feel like crap. DH always says to take however much time I need and no rush but his family seems to have an issue with this and they think I should have already gone back to work. Apparently I should leave the baby with them to work full time and go to school full time. Every time I see any of them they are asking when I’m going back to work and have a dissappointed looj when I say I’m not ready yet and want to wait a year until she is one and I’m done with school.
They make me feel like a mooch and I feel so selfish for this now. So much that I’ve stopped asking for things I need . Even simple things like deoderant. Every time DH takes me to eat I get a water and the cheapest thing on the menu because I feel so badly. We have the money but everyone is making me feel like I don’t deserve anything (not DH he is pretty oblivious to how I’m feeling and their vibes toward me). Wuth breast feeding my chest has grown and I don’t have a propper fitting bra but DH doesn’t know this. I feel to bad to buy myself anything because I haven’t worked for the money to pay for it. As his family says “well how are you going to earn anything?”
I know I shouldn’t be letting tgem get to me with the commebts and they don’t meab harm by them it’s just their nature. But all the women were stay at home moms until their kids were in high school but I’m being pressured a week after having tge baby. I work my butt off at home taking as much off mt husbands shoulders as possible cleaning for 8+ hours, cooking and taking over 95% of the baby responsibility but I don’t feel like I’m doing enough.
I’ve written a lot of posts about my ILs shedding not su great a light on them. They are honestly good people juat very intense and opinionated. Now I feel bad for yet another post. Welcome to the guilty train, next stop the not good enough station.
I think this guilt stems from the beginning. His parents love that when I came around DH stopped partying and built a relationsgip with them but its no secret that they dislike where I came from and my family doesn’t meet their ideal sons in laws. Its written all over their face that they wish some other girl helped him to straighten up instead of me. My family is full of addicts qith serious mental health issues, I soemehow escaped through the cracks. His family, all successful driven people I strive to be like. Sucks to be judged because of where you came from but not where you are headed.
I mean could you imagine the day you find out you are pregnant, before telling anyone but DH, having your in laws say thry worry about you having any children in the future because they worry about your family screwing the child up? That’s what I heard, and they wonder why we waited two months to tell them we were expecting.
Seriously I feel like I’m living the everybody loves raymond sgow but without the humor, at least none I can see.
Post # 2
Stop being a martyr. Tell your husband to tell his family about the agreement that you both reached, and that it’s none of their business. If your husband and you agreed on the arrangement, why does it matter what his family thinks?
And buy yourself a freaking bra, for christssakes.
Post # 3
Why are you letting these people dictate how you feel about yourself, and the decision you and your partner came to together? It is none of their damn business, and your guy needs to tell them as much. You need to stop acting like a martyr and stand up for yourself. And you need to talk to your partner about supporting you in that. He is your partner: he needs to know how you feel. You are not doing anyone any favors keeping this from him.
I’ve read your posts, and it seems like you really need to set and enforce boundaries with these people. You can’t let them dictate your and your families choices, lifestyle and decisions in regards to childrearing. If they can’t back off then you need to set real consequences and stick to them.
Post # 4
In every post about your in-laws, you reiterate that they mean well and are good people. I think you need to stop giving them such a positive spin in your own mind – people who continue to belittle you and your role within your family, step all over your wishes as a mother and derail you child’s routine, and ignore your explicitly stated rules DO NOT MEAN WELL. Period. Please stop feeling bad, talk to you husband about how you feel, and go buy a bra! You are contributing to your family, just not financially right now. If this is the agreement you came to together, you need to work on getting into the mindset that your finances are shared, your contributions to your family matter, and you deserve nice things just as much as your husband (or anyone else).
Post # 5
Mrslovebug: They don’t sound like very nice people, take nothing of what they say to heart. Tell your husband that their comments are making you feel uncomfortable and they need to stop. You are doing what is best for your family and your child and shame on them for making you feel like you can’t enjoy your life! Your husband needs to know what is going on and put a stop to it.
Also, don’t ignore that this could be rooted in their desire to play mommy and daddy to your child. They want all the control they can get.
Post # 6
Have to agree with sarals24: . OP it seems like you are really olaying the martyr…no deodorant? an ill fitting bra? That’s just ridiculous. What’s next- are you going to start subsisting on easy mac and ramen?You need to talk to your husband and tell him how you’re feeling.
Post # 7
you are giving these people far too much control over your life and your emotions. it seems like almost daily you are posting rants about things they have said and done – so you are also giving them too much of your time. i suggest you speak with your husband about your feelings and the things they’re saying to you. they don’t get a say in how your children are raised and the decision you come to with your husband. you need to STAND THE EFF UP FOR YOURSELF once and for all. If they don’t agree to the boundaries you set, you need to drastically limit the time they are around you/your children.
honestly, if something was consuming my thoughts/feelings & time as much as these people are consuming yours, i would cut them out. the whole thing sounds toxic. and i feel like you really need to invest in some personal counselling in order to learn some better communication skills.
Post # 8
No one gives you the ability to feel inferior except you. I’m agreeing with others. You are allowing this to happen. Its your family, your kids, your decision. You don’t give up basic needs because your in-laws said something that made you feel bad. My mother-in-law has mentioned once or twice her opinion on me staying home and I just smile, nod and move on. They can have all the opinions they want but at the end of the day its my husbands and my decision not only how we figure out our finances but how we raise our children. And I’d be damned before I’d let anyone make me feel bad about our decision. Now please go buy a new bra and get your deodorant. And stop taking everything they say to heart.
Post # 9
These people do NOT mean well, get that through your head. I’m a sahm too and I do feel guilty every now and again, but look at all the work you do throughout the day. It’s a lot and you don’t get break time. You ARE contributing to your family.
talk to your husband and tell him he needs to put his foot down with his parents. you two came to an agreement on how to raise your family and it’s nobody’s business but your own.
And please go buy a damn nursing bra! It’s not good for you to have an ill fitting bra! To take care of your baby you also have to take care of yourself.
Post # 10
“No one can make you feel inferior without your consent”
Quit worrying about what his parents think. Quit feeling bad about spending money (so long as your and your husband and living within your means and your budget). Buy a properly fitting bra. Clue in your guy about how you’re feeling. Take a break from the in-laws. And, ultimately, it sounds like you’re going to need to grow a thicker skin when it comes to your in-laws. The way they’re treating you isn’t right. But you can’t let them make you feel so awful! You can’t control them, but you can control how you react to them. Don’t give them that much power to make you feel so bad!
Post # 11
Firstly, expecting a mother to go back at 7 weeks is really, really early. Remember, the US has maternity leave that is considered a pittance compared to other developed nations, and that is still 12 weeks. Unless there is a specific reason (e.g. ineligable for FMLA and you need to money to buy groceries), then you shouldn’t be going back to work at 7 weeks. And, frankly, the benefits for your child of having a mother who is able to take a year off to be with her are fantastic, regardless of what you in laws think (tbh it sounds mroe like they want to look after/raise a baby again, which isn’t their right to insist in when it isn’t their’s).
<br /><br />You come across as feeling like you are somehow not pulling your weight and so don’t deserve financial support. This is blatantly false and I am sorry they are making you feel this way. You are looking after an infant full time, which, from what I’ve hear (mine is still on the inside) is a full time, around the clock job, let alone throwing all the cooking and cleaning you do into the mix. Becomming a martyr hurts you, which in turn creates an environment that is not good for her.
Lastly, please tell your doctor or a trusted professional how you are feeling. The fact your feeling of worthlessness translate into you not caring for yourself (which, when you can afford it, not buying well-fitting nursing bras and deodarant because you don’t feel you deserve them is a huge example of), could be a sign of PPD, which is extremely common, treatable, and something not to be downplayed. If you do need some help, it will help you become better at all areas of your life in the long run.
Even if you don’t have PPD, look into seeing a therapist. Most insurance policies cover therapy, often for no copay (I pay $20 per month for my therapy with insurance). Becomming a Mum is a huge change in your identity and how you relate to other family members, and a therapist can help you develop tools and strategies for self care and strategies to help you and your husband set boundaries around your ILs and to not take on their cirticisms.<br /><br />And let your DH know how you feel and the extent to which you have taken it to. It may mean he has to talk to his parents, or it might mean that you as a couple will choose not to see them until you are feeling better.
Chin up. You are doing what is best for your family, and you will get through this.
Post # 12
All of you are right in that I cant let these people control my feelings and I see that. These people though I really admire. They are strong independent people who work hard has a close fanIly and do a lot of good. That was the image I saw for myself growing up and what I strive to be. What I have been working toward for as long as I can remember. When they can’t see that I’m not different and look at me as someone who is beneath them it is bothering. DH says he feels like they think that way of him as well. This is something I just have to let go. I probably eont ever live up to their expectations either. Because they see me as someone not as strong or “put together” because of my family, they will probably always do this. I guess its one of the things I have to let go of, the idea that I will fit in with them and be comfortable around them.
I don’t want to cut them out for my kids sake but I will talk to DH and see if we can get together with his parents to discuss issues that arise with the kids and lay down firm rules about them. The rest I will just have yo shrug off.
Post # 13
Oh and I have been to therapy when leaving home and its helped me set boundaries and all of tgis with my own family that’s really toxic, I just didn’t expect to need to use it again with a family I admired and was excited to be a part of.
With therapy I also learned that I have OCD but not the type you see on tv. Mine follows along the lunes of everything really, an extreme all or nothing and the obsessions aren’t on specific things but alternate. As in months phases where I becone obsessed with the news and it eventually changes to obsession about what I’m putting into my body, germs is pretty consistent. Anyways, I think this is the reason I’ve been letting it get to me. When it was every once in a while DH helped me to move past it, ehen it started getting to be frequent I just got lost in it. Time to dig back out and reuse everything I learned 10 years ago
Post # 14
1. Buy a bra, deodorant, and a magazine that you totally don’t need, but just want to read because you DESERVE a little me-time.
2. Discuss these issues with your husband. He loves you, and made the decision with you that it was best for your family to have you stay at home with the baby.
3. Stick up for yourself. Let them know how the things they say are making you feel. I bet they don’t even realize how much of this you are taking to heart. If they are as good as you say they are, they will hopefully realize that they need to be more careful in the way they address you. Remember that you have power here…you are the MOTHER of their grandchild. Not that you would use it, but it might help you to feel that you have more control to realize that the access they have to that child is dictated by you.